DISCLAIMER: Any attempts to move this thread to the social thread or close it will be met with Gonorrhea. SEVERE Gonorrhea. It represents a sincere discussion of an issue closely related to the Meta-metagame of ssb 64.
Greetings, fellow smashers. I have spent a good deal of time recently pondering the continued survival of our community, and have come to the conclusion that one thing and one thing only is preventing Smash 64 from becoming the predominant pastime the world over:
Marriage.
That's right, marriage. Thus far, we have lost three smashers that we know of to this institution. To the best of my knowledge, Dylan_Tnga, Marioreincarnate and (this guy's somewhat less well-known, but most of you ought to remember him) Unholyweapon have been married, and shortly thereafter stopped playing, more or less. No-one that I know of who still plays seriously is happily wed. Marriage, therefore, is a disease that has a 100% fatality rate. How many smashers or potential smashers that we don't know of have been lost to marriage? Well, assuming that only dudes play smash (this is the case) there are at least a million married dudes in the world. Since about 1% of the people I know play smash, we'll say that one out of a hundred of those people would play smash if not for their marriages. That leaves us with TEN THOUSAND smashers lost to marriage. That's right. Our community would be huge; larger, in terms of dedicated, competitive smashers, than Brawl's.
How can we fix this? I'm glad you asked. First off, we'll all take a sacred pledge never to get married. In fact, just to be on the safe side, we'll promise to never have sex. Any of us. Ever. Not even with other guys (looking at you, Kuz). With our celibate legion of smash, we will then go on to destroy the sacrament of marriage. How? Simple. We in America know that if we allow Gay marriage, we'll be on our way down a slippery slope that will lead to the word "marriage" becoming devoid of all real meaning, a toothless dog that will no longer be able to hurt innocent Smashers. So, we here on smashboards need to take whatever steps are necessary to make sure that Gays receive the right to marry. This may be difficult for those of us who routinely call each other "******s" and use "Gay" as a synonym for "lame," but that's actually our strength- we'll be the first chapter of a new movement- HGM (Homophobes for Gay Marriage). Soon enough, our community will be blossoming once more, and we'll enter a utopian golden age of Super Smash Brothers innovation and play.
Your prophet and leader,
Battlecow.
Greetings, fellow smashers. I have spent a good deal of time recently pondering the continued survival of our community, and have come to the conclusion that one thing and one thing only is preventing Smash 64 from becoming the predominant pastime the world over:
Marriage.
That's right, marriage. Thus far, we have lost three smashers that we know of to this institution. To the best of my knowledge, Dylan_Tnga, Marioreincarnate and (this guy's somewhat less well-known, but most of you ought to remember him) Unholyweapon have been married, and shortly thereafter stopped playing, more or less. No-one that I know of who still plays seriously is happily wed. Marriage, therefore, is a disease that has a 100% fatality rate. How many smashers or potential smashers that we don't know of have been lost to marriage? Well, assuming that only dudes play smash (this is the case) there are at least a million married dudes in the world. Since about 1% of the people I know play smash, we'll say that one out of a hundred of those people would play smash if not for their marriages. That leaves us with TEN THOUSAND smashers lost to marriage. That's right. Our community would be huge; larger, in terms of dedicated, competitive smashers, than Brawl's.
How can we fix this? I'm glad you asked. First off, we'll all take a sacred pledge never to get married. In fact, just to be on the safe side, we'll promise to never have sex. Any of us. Ever. Not even with other guys (looking at you, Kuz). With our celibate legion of smash, we will then go on to destroy the sacrament of marriage. How? Simple. We in America know that if we allow Gay marriage, we'll be on our way down a slippery slope that will lead to the word "marriage" becoming devoid of all real meaning, a toothless dog that will no longer be able to hurt innocent Smashers. So, we here on smashboards need to take whatever steps are necessary to make sure that Gays receive the right to marry. This may be difficult for those of us who routinely call each other "******s" and use "Gay" as a synonym for "lame," but that's actually our strength- we'll be the first chapter of a new movement- HGM (Homophobes for Gay Marriage). Soon enough, our community will be blossoming once more, and we'll enter a utopian golden age of Super Smash Brothers innovation and play.
Your prophet and leader,
Battlecow.
