WWYP6 - Scores and Comments

• Matt (2.5/5) – I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t get it—until Vic’s explanation of the brain-linked colony. But shortly after this, the narrative structure descends once again into a confusing mess. In the clinical sense, Frank’s meditative disposition reflects that of the average liberal arts student. In the science fiction sense, I think the largeness of your aims didn’t translate too well to a short story. This felt to be mainly an exercise in philosophy (war, existentialism, consciousness) rather than the complex (rather than overly baffling) look into a troubled character that I was hoping for.

• Virgilijus (3.5/5) – Frank was definitely crazy, but it was very vague and honestly, I didn’t know what the hell was going on my first read through.

• Tom (5/5) – This man is bat**** insane, yet you didn't just spurt out nonsense onto the pages. There is actual structure here, and the gruesome story of what he does on the spaceship is driven by his madness and the beast within him. The only problem is that I don't know what the beast inside him is except for an extreme (cannibalistic?) gluttony. Its hard to sift through (but thats not Prompt, thats Style).

• Matt (2.5/5) – I didn’t like it because it’s got spaceships. But seriously, the atmospheric details were bewildering at best. I felt completely disoriented as I was hastily led through nondescript settings filled with faceless people. Only through direct intervention from the narrator (“Oh, we’re in space and it’s the future”) are we given any sense of place. Again, I’ll have to admit my being slow and stupid (I mean, really really stupid), but I’m not even sure about the significance of “Carlisle.” I know you’re capable of writing more clearly than this, so I’ll grant that the confused nature of the story was intentional. And yet, for the purposes of this story, I don’t think it amounted to a particularly inviting story.

• Virgilijus (3/5) – The tone was decent; there was a desolate feel the pervaded the ship and Vic and every one on it, but the story is a little too confusing and it just takes away so much. Every time I think I know what is going on and that Carlisle is the entity, I feel I’m wrong. I know I’m not a stupid reader: make the images of the plot a little more clear. I can Lfeel you had a decent idea going, but it was just lost in translation

• Tom (4/5) – I knew we were on a spaceship, and I knew it was after the (nuclear/apocalyptic) war on Earth. So the setting, although out-there, is down pat. As for characters, Frank is most definitely unique. He shows signs of schizophrenia and a bit of PTSD, and then theres the exposure to the "ghosts'" neruons and the beast inside him. He's a character. The actual dialogue is very one sided -- Vic to Frank, and then Frank to Carlisle and the beast. I really enjoyed the imagery of the dogs tracking Carlisle from the mud on his boots, and his sinking into the mud. The whole tone was very anxious.

• Matt (3/5) – I find myself satisfied by the way you reveal significant plot details. That is, the pacing and timing and roundabout approach to moving the events along is thoughtful and presents a pleasant sort of “ah!” moment. However, little else was engaging or memorable in the story. The conflict of the story was—what, exactly? I know it’s there, somewhere beneath the existential musings, but there is very little dramatic engagement between reader and characters. My mind does not feel exercised, just disinterested in the ho-hum goings on of the story and the bare manner in which they were displayed.

• Virgilijus (5/5) – I love your writing style. Really. Keep it up.

• Tom (4/5) – The spelling and grammar was great. I loved the long, unpunctuated sentences that appeared near the end, while Frank was losing it and succumbing to the beast within him, along with the word salad. The only complaint I have is that its all very confusing and hard to comprehend. As I mentioned earlier, its very hard to sift through and understand. Theres a lot going on: his murderous tendencies, the beast inside him killing the tentacled neruon-consciousness, and the sci-fi setting.

• Matt (3/5) – Frankly, I don’t care for this category, because my impulse towards any challenging piece is to appreciate what it is trying to accomplish and offer it the benefit of any doubts. The problem is that I didn’t enjoy your story, but I want to give you points for being a capable writer, anyway. I do appreciate that you wrote a thoughtful sci-fi piece without descending into laser-beam battles and mean aliens, but that was—at the very least—expected out of a previous contest winner. I just wish I understood the story better. Three points?

• Virgilijus (3.5/5) – I enjoyed it, but it just didn’t make complete sense even though I read it twice. Tweak the end, make it more presentable and clear and you’ll be good.

• Tom (5/5) – Although I'm predicting that the other judges will disagree with me, this was one my favorites of the entries, if not my favorite. Franks problems seep into the structure and the writing, which is something I didn't really see in the other stories. The way he views those with the neurons as ghosts is great, and that they have to drink that fluid is just fascinating. The dark imagery and almost evil statements in Franks head had me completely interested in his character and his disorder. Killing off everyone on this ship, one by one? Interesting. Carlisle is the one who lasted the longest on the last ship he was on, right? And Frank keeps talking to him. Thats crazy! (haha)

• Matt (4.5/5) – Without a doubt, “depression” is the most relevant topic of today’s world, and you keenly recognize that it’s often mishandled. Jasmine is a complicated and troubled individual, not merely a crazy person in need of pills. Nicely done. However, my one complaint is that you were too direct about it.

• Virgilijus (4/5) – Jasmine is depressed, no doubt about it. She is also a very sympathetic character not just in her actions, but in her despair and hopelessness looking at the entire situation. There were a few moments where she seemed a little off kilter (the dream talk was a little cliché) but overall very good.

• Tom (4.5/5) – Jasmine's heavy depression and onset 'voices' seemed realistic in that she sought for escape both consciously in her drunken sexcapades and subconsciously in her dream with the golden skies. I do feel odd giving you a perfect score on Adherence though, as your story suffered from the same flaw most did in that the story was about and surrounded the disorder so much that it was hard to separate the disorder's influence from the prompt.

• Matt (4/5) – There’s (literally) a very real sense of time and place, and the sort of acute insight you offer into this specific setting in today’s world is valuable not because of your accuracy; the value lies in your take on an aspect of human nature (depression and the cure) that will resonate for all times and all places. These are the sorts of stories that live on for future generations. Praise aside, again I must caution you away from handling the subject so directly (and abruptly). A greater emphasis on atmospheric details and introspection (and not merely through large blocks of dialogue) would have benefited the story greatly.

• Virgilijus (4.5/5) – Loved the tone. The bad parts made you wince, which is supposed to happen. The dialogue between Jasmine and the doctor were also filled with tension which really helped create a sense of urgency.

• Tom (5/5) – The setting changed often but was always well defined and vividly explained. The characters were realistic and fun. They worked with the dialogue, making both very deep and well done. The whole story had a depressingly realistic tone... which is good, considering the prompt.

• Matt (4/5) – Engaging. At no point did I want to stop reading, and I believe that has most to do with your pacing (it’s fast!). I wish you’d slowed down a bit and reveled in certain key moments (because the story is basically told in real-time and not in flashbacks, we ought to experience more than just impressions). Structurally, I really like what’s going on. Jasmine ends up in the same boat she started in, further painting her as a complicated character and allowing for a more realistic “ending” (as if real-life has endings besides death, eh?). You surely have a good amount of short story knowledge under your belt, and it shows in your handling of the drama. I’m undecided, however, if I would have preferred something more than an implication for the ending. Something more dramatic (and drawn out) may have been better suited.

• Virgilijus (4.5/5) – I was really impressed with your style, Cort. A couple of times you had a misfit sentence here or there (“The grating sound of growled lyrics thumped steadily throughout the concert hall” is just an ugly, jagged sentence) but overall very good.

• Tom (4/5) – Spelling looks good. Grammar looks good. Organization is kind of off, though, because we see a lot happen in the first half, but we hear and learn a lot in the second half. We see Jasmine's depressed state in action in the beginning, but then when we learn why, its all dialogue. Seems like an easy way out, but I cant really punish you for it too much, because it works with the story (the doctor has to case study Jasmine, so we do too!).

• Matt (5/5) – Nothing stood out like a sore thumb. Yes, what a busted compliment. Anyway, I think the five speaks for itself. Well done.

• Virgilijus (4.5/5) – Another one of the stories that I enjoyed all the way through. It ended a little abruptly, but still good none the less.

• Tom (4/5) – The story fit the prompt perfectly and was very realistic and enjoyable, but the ending is a bit disappointing. The static ending of Jasmine's returning to her old self made the whole hospital visit worthless. But she does keep the card! Hope for the future? The story makes me doubt it. It also sort of cuts off at the end, making me wish you had gone back and fleshed out the escape-the-hospital scene. If that’s how you're going to end the story, it would have been more satisfying that way.

• Matt (2.5/5) – I get it! I just wish there was more of it to get. I may be at an advantage compared to the average reader (being an English major and having seen American Psycho), so I have to wonder about all the others reading this. The handling of the condition is scant and could have been remedied with just a moment or two of comparisons or contrasts. That is, the style of the piece (an abstract montage?) could have used greater balance for the sake of the reader’s understanding (and to better show the duality of the narrator).

• Virgilijus (3/5) – Yes, the guy had insomnia, but I really couldn’t empathize with him. The story was too short to really drag out how painful his constant waking is. He also seemed a little too laid back for a bank robber that can’t sleep…not that I have any to compare to.

• Tom (4/5) – Nic is an insomniac, and he is crazy. His actions are absurd and against the law. Okay, I'll buy that. But his insomnia really doesn't drive the plot or affect those around him at all. We can obviously see how it affects him and the organization of the story, but thats wasn't everything the prompt was looking for.

• Matt (3/5) – I really like the tone that runs throughout this piece. Unfortunately, this is not well suited for a short story and is much closer in form to an essay or a prose poem. We hardly get the sense of tedium and “giving-up” that is needed when characterizing an otherwise clearly conflicted narrator. Otherwise, the atmospheric details panned out nicely, and this made the goings on very easy to picture.

• Virgilijus (2.5/5) – By switching between scenes so quickly, you give a rushed feeling to the story. But the protagonist is a sleep deprived, what-the-hell-is-going-on guy who I can’t help but feel is incredibly sluggish and this tends to conflict with the illness you want to evince. Same thing for the incredibly quick changes in setting: even though it shows him randomly “coming to” from his sleep deprivation, they are too abrupt. The bank robbery part and showdown at the end also weren’t very suspenseful; while vagueness is good, too little description doesn’t give that “oomph” to the reader when some one gets shot or the like.

• Tom (3.5/5) – The setting flipped around here and there, aligned with the disorganization that characterized Nic's craziness... but even then, I didn't feel acquainted with the surroundings. The characterization was a bit more than minimal -- I can tell that he is crazy, and that he likes music. If he robs banks purely for the thrill, and is usually peaceful about it, then why did kill people in the bank? I can only assume thats what you meant by 'shoot up the place' and 'normally above the violence'. Why does he not feel anything when his partners die? Because they're math majors and end sentences with prepositions? I could only grasp the character.

• Matt (4/5) – Again, most everything about the structure and the approach does not exactly add up to a short story, but you’re clearly competent enough in your writing ability to be praised for having a respectable style, anyway. And, given the nature of the prompt, I can’t fault you much for taking the story in the abstract direction that you took it. You melded the two worlds together very competently, and you didn’t pull a fast one on us at the end (that is, “Haha! It was all a dream.”). Well done, Mr. McCloud.

• Virgilijus (2.5/5) – You have a decent style. I know my sister wrote you some critiques that are probably more grammar focused than anything I can say, but I would say don’t break up the paragraphs so often. Many times, the second you get the flow of what you are writing about down, you break it off and start a completely new thought. For example: the radio keeps breaking in through Nic’s thoughts. Quoting a half minute of radio talk that doesn’t really add anything to the story just detracts from it. Wouldn’t the second the radio goes off, Nic get pissed and think to himself about not sleeping, instead of listening to the DJ? I know you really like that quick interruption, but as Paracelsus said “Poison is Jin the dose” and I think you gave us a little too much

• Tom (3.5/5) – The imagery wasn't really there. His actions like his obsession with the music, and his spinning his revolver (little things like that) were a nice touch, but other than those actions, there wasn't much to work with. You did well with his insomnia, but there was little uniqueness in the story outside of his insomnia.

• Matt (4.5/5) – Splendidly consistent. Despite the jumptastic nature, the story comes together in a way that’s not only surprisingly easy to follow but enjoyable as well. Though this is more like a lyrical mosaic than a short story, I really appreciate the boldness and the successful execution.

• Virgilijus (2.5/5) – I enjoyed it, but it was way too short and the ending was too quick, too vague, and too cliché.

• Tom (3.5/5) – I know the disorganization was to go along with his insomnia, but it kind of pushed the limit. I think the story should have been more organized, and the influence from the insomnia should creep its way into the story. That way, not only is the reader able to realize that its going on, and grasp the insomnia in a new way, but then the story is also easier to follow. I don't really feel like anything happened in the story, and the husband bank-teller getting his revenge doesn't seem to fit. Vigilante justice, okay. But a bank teller following them to the warehouse, killing the other two by setting of explosions, catching up to a killer and killing him? Didn't really seem viable to me, seeing as he had spun his revolver and was at the ready.

• Matt (1/5) – Awful. We’re only given this voyeuristic look from a cardboard character into the high school angst of another cardboard character. I see what you were attempting, but there’s simply nothing here worthy of the topic you pursued. Take two shots of The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides and call me in the morning.

• Virgilijus (2/5) – Yes, park was depressed, but it wasn’t very believable. You have to be subtle with this character development: at some points you said things like “I am depressed” which both seem like something a depressed person wouldn’t boldly admit out loud to people she doesn’t know and it walks the reader through the story (which should always be avoided).

• Tom (4/5) – Park's depression definitely affected John and the story as a whole. At the same time, though, I don't feel like anything happened in your story. If it weren't for the investigation done by John and John, I would have thought there was nothing to this story at all.

• Matt (1/5) – As already stated, your characters are vapid and uninteresting. This is the same sort of hackneyed thinly veiled autobiographical MySpace entry that I keep on ranting about. This approach is extremely short-sighted, and your story is no exception. We are given absolutely nothing worth remembering both in the characters and in the drama. Your dialogue is just plain terrible. This is just so bad that I can only tell you, at your stage, to keep (start?) reading.

• Virgilijus (1/5) – In all of your stories, I would say you need to work on this the most. The characters and dialogue just aren’t believable. Read over whatever you write and think “Can I see a normal person saying this in everyday conversation? Is this too exaggerated or ludicrous?” As much as I could see where you wanted to go, you just never got there. Also, the soliloquy at the end was very cheesy and did nothing for me. Practice thinking through the eyes of your character and get used to speaking for them; it will help a lot.

• Tom (2.5/5) – The frame of high-school life and the MySpace craze definitely helped characterize your story. The dialogue was interesting as well. Though what hurt you in this category was the real lack of imagery and detail in your story. You were descriptive in that there were random tidbits of chatter going on, but there was no engaging imagery which really would have brought my interest into the story. I understand that a lot of it was dialogue, but there was no vivid description of the surroundings; I really had no setting to work with besides "school", "home", and "mall." There was also a lack of unique thought. Every character seemed the same except for Park, who was depressed.

• Matt (1.5/5) – I give you a generous .5 because at least there was structural variety to help alleviate the painful sting of this awful attempt. Otherwise, there’s nothing that constitutes good story-telling here. There’s no notable climax, no situation in which a character is faced with a decision outside of his comfort zone, no rising action, nothing at all to satisfy storytelling’s basic needs. Your style is barely readable.

• Virgilijus (1.5/5) – Your style was very plain and really left the story yearning for more. The entire story, I had no idea what any character looked like except for Park, who I imagined was an Asian girl. The thing is, the setting is so important for setting the mood of the story; tell us why the mall was so dreary or why no one liked the cheesy old film noir posters in the back of French class. Get a rhythm when you write: “After school, I asked my friend, John, to come to my house. Oh, and my name is also John” is just a stagnant, uninteresting, unrealistic sentence. No one speaks like that unless they are Morgan Freeman and they are narrating a movie.

• Tom (3/5) – There were dramatic telephone conversations and enigmatic blogs set apart from the narration that made things more interesting. The fun little dialogue bits do help in this category though, as I did get a good feel of 9th grade conversation and maturity.

• Matt (1/5) – I hated it.

• Virgilijus (1/5) – I really didn’t enjoy it; it had no hook. No something that made me want to keep reading. So Park is depressed? Okay. Why should I really care? John is stalking her MySpace. Okay. Why is this very important? While I get the feeling the story is personal to you, you have to work hard to make sure that those feelings translate to a complete stranger. How badly does John care for Park? Show us. Make us feel as though Park not being at school really is a reason for us to finish the story just to see what happens to her and if she’s all right.

• Tom (3/5) – I wasn't really pulled into the story. It's a first person recount of how Park's depression intrigued John, but I had no idea why John was retelling it. It seemed like diary entries about the past, and before the story was over, I had thought Park committed suicide and John was explaining to the Police what had happened previously. See what I mean? Why is this being retold? It also lacked closure. Even though Park is able to move on and fix her life by switching schools and starting anew, she isn't the only character. How does her decision affect John?

• Matt (5/5) – Obsessive collector’s disorder? Call it whatever, but I’ll call your handling of it splendid. There’s no doubt that this problem is the vehicle that drives the main character and thus the story, and you present it in a plausible fashion.

• Virgilijus (4.5/5) – Abrams was crazy and you did a good job showing it. Some of his lines were a little unbelievable for a fumbling mad man, so I’ll have to take off a little.

• Tom (5/5) – Abram's huge obsession, paranoia, and delusions of grandeur absolutely fit as a disorder. I wouldn't necessarily claim him to be a schizophrenic, but he would certainly fit as a basket case. I appreciate how his actions spoke for his problems, and not dialogue or your own telling.

• Matt (4/5) – One of the things I love about your writing is that it feels timeless. Well, that’s not entirely the case, as baseball is less than 150 years old, but the fact that you don’t mention iPods or cell phones or even cars is a strength of yours, I’d argue. The emphasis on characterization provides for a pensive and fascinating tone, the likes of which lends itself to a memorable story. However, an otherwise believable situation turns unlikely when a mother suddenly stabs the antagonist with an umbrella. Considering these events at the end happen in the span of about 10 seconds, her action seems like a hasty way to end the story, as if you just got tired of it.

• Virgilijus (3.5/5) – While the story was short, you get a grasp of Abrams world. However, towards the end of the story it becomes a little unbelievable: Abrams happens to see a boy with the ball going to school and the parents don’t question how a fully grown man knows about their son finding the baseball? Small points in the long run but still points none the less.

• Tom (4/5) – The setting was well established, and the characters were great. I loved how George Adams, rookie unknown soldier, ended up making his big break. The imagery and attitudes in the story were wonderful, but not perfect. I had no problems with the spelling or grammar. The organization of the whole story was great.

• Matt (4.5/5) – Beautiful. In one other word: cinematic. I would have to be extremely nitpicky to fault your style, and that’s simply not my style. The couple of typos and somewhat sloppy handling of the ending prevent me from giving you a perfect score, however.

• Virgilijus (3.5/5) – You have a very good style. Every once in a while there is a sentence or so that makes me think “Eh…I might change the syntax of that” but that’s just a personal preference. The main problem I had was the pace of the story; Abrams gets the bat, goes home and sees the news story, searches, finds the kid, dies. You could have really shown his mental state or what he was really thinking in the time he was searching for the ball, but because your story was so short you couldn’t do that. I don’t know if it was time restraints or what, but stretching that out would have helped a lot in my opinion. To show him constantly struggling and worrying throughout every desperate minute would have shown him in a more insane light.

• Tom (4.5/5) – The subtleties were great, but sometimes overplayed. For example, his coat that had gotten too tight on the midsection. That gave the reader a bit of an "ah-ha" moment -- they could read into the character and see that he was so obsessed that he wasn't watching his own health. But then afterwards, you stressed that same point, which the reader could have made on his own. It seemed to ruin the tiny moment of enjoyment.

• Matt (5/5) – You really have a wonderful handle on great storytelling. It was very enjoyable and, honestly, not unlike greats such as Joyce Carol Oats and Flannery O’Connor. I name them in particular, because of their interest in showcasing dark (yet, true-to-life) characters and even darker circumstances, and you know you do this well.

• Virgilijus (3.5/5) – I liked the story, but as I said before the ending was a little brief and unbelievable. Whenever you have to rely on the final paragraph to straighten everything out is not a good thing.

• Tom (5/5) – I did enjoy the story very much, thank you. I liked Fever Pitch the movie and read the memoir... if you haven't seen the movie at least, you might want to. It takes what obsession you're working with right now, and instead of taking it town the dark, schizophrenic path, it takes it down the lighter, love of girl v. love of baseball sort of way.

• Matt (0/5) – I’d like to think that I have a pretty good imagination, but I can’t imagine what you’ve done here to showcase a character with a mental disorder of some kind. I can’t give you a single point here.

• Virgilijus (.5/5) – This story really had nothing to do with the prompt. At first I thought “Maybe Carmen is crazy and hallucinating it all”, but she wasn’t. Yes, she has a phobia of needles but that isn’t key to the story at all, just something said in passing towards the end. I don’t feel you did it intentionally, but still…there is no great psychological trauma that really makes the story what it is. I can see how if you had a fear of needles it might be compelling, but it isn’t translated to the audience.

• Tom (2/5) – Although I do classify a phobia as a disorder, Carmen's really didn't fit the prompt. It had to be a good part of the story, which hers wasn't. But it was a disorder, and I did see how the aliens worked off of it to hurt her.

• Matt (1.5/5) – Everything about this is poorly handled. For starters, there are certain obligations that must be filled when writing in the first person. Atmosphere and personality and a dual-narrative are among them; a sudden lapse into a childhood memory doesn’t suffice. For being in such alien settings (literally?), the atmospheric details were awful and uninteresting. Your characters were meant to be raw and real, but your presentation of them is really affected.

• Virgilijus (1.5/5) – You were going for a sense of dread and fear with the story, but it missed the mark. Chad, T-Lo and Grandma all died before the story ended and it really had no affect on me. You have to really build a character up so that when you take them down we know something is missing. T-Lo was just a vulgar guy, Chad just had sex with Carmen and died; why should I be attached to them? Also, don’t tell us everything that happens, “I did this and I did that”. Show us what they’re thinking. Why did you do this and that? What was the motive? What made you pause before you did it? What did it remind you of? Stuff like that. Stories are thought and action: too much of one is for all intents and purposes a bad thing.

• Tom (2.5/5) – We had a setting of sorts, but the characters weren't as fleshed out as I had hoped. Carmen had a husband and a phobia, her husband was sort of a cliche protector, and there was a token black guy. =/ There was no real descriptive imagery to help the story along, and the dialogue did not strike me as realistic.

• Matt (2/5) – Competent at times, but merely that. The opening is way too showy, and it doesn’t get any better from there. This has remnants of the ending scenes in 1984, but the difference is that Orwell’s story had structure and characterization and urgency. I can’t figure out what in the heck is going on in your story or why I should care.

• Virgilijus (1/5) – Give your words aLI kind of got into style in the Tone section: sorry flow: would people really say this? Would a reader see what I see when they read it? If there is any doubt in these things, go back and change them. Show me the slums and the unkept beard on T-Lo. I want to see it; show me.

• Tom (2.5/5) – I thought the aliens were disgusted with how the humans were killing themselves? Wasn't that the reason they were killing the humans? Then why did the aliens torture the humans by feeding off their fears? A lot of things didn't add up. Why did T-Lo know that he was going to be let go if he endured all the torture without showing any sign of fear? The reader is left with a lot of questions, but not in a satisfying way, because they can't come up with the answers with clues you might have left.

• Matt (1/5) – I would like to forget this story.

• Virgilijus (1/5) – Honestly, the story was pretty out there and unrealistic which in science fiction stories is a must for me (realistic being relative in terms of technology and the like). Who was the guy in the Bill Clinton mask? Why was he wearing it? Too many loose ends that weren’t even close to solved and no real attachment to the characters. However, the only way to fix this is…you guessed it, write more!

• Tom (3/5) – The idea of separate sentient life coming to earth to cleanse the humans of their ways is a good idea, and you can work with it. But with all the questions left unanswered and the reader confused about what had been going on, it was hard to work through.

• Matt (2/5) – After reading your warning in the beginning, I expected no adherence to prompt, and I was prepared to dock you appropriately. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find at least some instance of schizophrenia, even if it was simply a matter of mystical desert magic. Hmm. I’m compelled to grant you some credit in keeping the mysticism frequent and in offering a decent contrast in the two personalities of The Desperado, but I was looking for something not so otherworldly and inexplicable.

• Virgilijus (2/5) – Jimmy/James definitely has a split personality, but it just wasn’t very convincing. On the verge of death, the Archer just talks to him and he switches without any problems. I am no doctor, but I don’t think personalities turn off and on like a switch.

• Tom (5/5) – I understand that The Desperado is a split personality. I liked the play on the name between Jimmy Farms and Jimmy Farmer, and I'm glad that his disorder wasn't the only plot drive of the story.

• Matt (3/5) – I must admit that this wasn’t a bad read, despite my distaste for the genre. But the ideas and presentation are often no less impressive than similar stories in print (The Gunslinger, for instance). The setting is well established, and the characters are given a personality (multiple, as it were). However, this clearly belongs in a larger work, and certain important details are baffling at best. The pursuit (the green creatures?), the setting (some planet?), and the situation (an escape from prison?) don’t stand alone as well as they should, but it almost didn’t matter, because your handling of the characters was exceptional.

• Virgilijus (4/5) – I liked the tone. It was an action adventure story and it had a fast paced action and adventure tone. The desert wasn’t described in full, but you could feel it there in the background (where it should be, on the back of your neck). You did a good job…however, the naming of people and things gave it a cheesy sci-fi feel: the Desperado, the Archer, the Orange Creatures. Try to avoid that next time?

• Tom (4/5) – The setting was great. I enjoyed the descriptions of the sand dunes and the horrible sun that beat down on the two (three? hehe) men. The characters didn't seem very well... characterized, but I guess thats because this is a piece from a greater collection. Stuff like why the Desperado has two guns when he can't shoot with his left hand, and how the Archer can have no hard feelings for the horrible pain the Desperado causes him by shooting him through his good hand... it wasn't well explained. Probably for the same reason of being explained in an earlier piece of the collection. But you did take this piece and make sure the prompt fit for it.

• Matt (3.5/5) – I was compelled to keep reading, and this certainly had much to do with the mystery of the story, and the overarching tension between the two characters mounting to a well-written fight scene. The smart word choices and overall terseness allowed for a tight style free of glaring errors. However, again I must fault you for the simple error of not allowing this piece enough room to breathe. It’s not a must that every question must be answered, but the urgency is certainly lackluster when the reader doesn’t get the whole picture. Also, typos. Yuck.

• Virgilijus (/5) – You have a good writing style; descriptive but not too intense. Occasionally you go on an adjective spree and really overdo a sentence (“He dusted the gray desert sand his from grizzly face and fixed his black, tattered fedora” for example). Also, the cheesy lines when they are fighting (“Looks like I’m the new sheriff in town, partna.”) we can do without.

• Tom (4/5) – The spelling and grammar were both fine. It seems like they would have found a name for the Orange Creatures by now, seeing as how they were captured by them, are on their planet, and are on the run from them. There was also no emotion when they tripped the alarm and were surrounded by their captors. Did they know they were going to trip the alarm? It seemed like they did, as they quickly chose fight over flight. There were so many sci-fi stories this time around! Haha I can't penalize you for that though. =)

• Matt (3.5/5) – As before stated, this isn’t my cup of tea, genre-wise. Nevertheless, I do see potential here not only with these characters but with your talent in general. I encourage you to keep writing. I think you could write a pretty compelling short story if you started from scratch.

• Virgilijus (1/5) – I can tell that you really like the action sequences (which were decent), but otherwise there was really nothing to the story; no significant character development or thinking or intense conflict/thought other than Orange Creatures are chasing them. It was all eye candy, not a real meal.

• Tom (3/5) – Fight scenes are hard to write. I think you did an ok job, but I became distracted in some of the lengthy descriptions. I also think that it was a bit uncharacterized, and it was sort of obvious that it was part of some larger collection.

• Matt (4/5) – There was clearly a conscious effort to incorporate the prompt’s theme into the story. My one beef is that it was too clear, standing out at times as an obligation. The irony of the sudden robbery is a bit much, and her quick admittance of the source of her problem (which she’s very self-conscious about?) is unlikely given the behavior of her character.

• Virgilijus (2.5/5) – Abby did have a mental illness, though I think it was evinced better in her paranoia and childishness than her actual phonophobia. Still, it seemed more like a normal personality trait than a mental illness and for that I’m going to have to take off.

• Tom (5/5) – Abby's phobia is a disorder, although I don't know what the other judges will rule on this. Some people classify disorders and phobias separately, but I've taken three semesters of psychology and I don't see why.

• Matt (3.5/5) – Respectable. There’s no doubt much improvement in your writing abilities, and I have to nod approvingly at your relative skill in crafting believable dialogue. Nevertheless, the tone you take (and, strangely, decide to end on) is akin to an offhanded rant which detracts from your otherwise thoughtful characterizations. This piece feels rushed, but it does have potential.

• Virgilijus (2.5/5) – It was kind of hard for me to believe Abby at most points in the story: I don’t think some one with such a mistrust of Soren (in terms of awkwardness) would reveal that her mother was killed by a gun man 5 minutes after meeting him. Also, the random gun man bursting into the restaurant right after Abby’s past is revealed gave the story a rather unrealistic tone. Honestly, I just couldn’t really feel the story or get any tangible grasp of it. Try being more vivid and perceiving in your descriptions or comments; mirror what the reader would think if he was in the story.

• Tom (3/5) – The setting was well defined, there was enough imagery to draw me into the story, and the dialogue was mostly realistic. The real big problem I had with the story is that even though Dr. Soren starts out as a great doctor, by the end of the story his characterization has completely reversed into a child's. The story was completely fascinating until after the robber had left with the cash. Before this point, Abby was breaking down because of her phobia, the two-named lady at the register was freaking out, and the doctor had handled the situation like an adult. Even before had, when diagnosing and almost simultaneously having to treat Abby's phobia, Soren acted like a respectable doctor and adult. But then the complete swap, when Dr. Soren becomes a complete baby (which doesn't fit his characterization at all!). He complains about Abby's leaving him, even though he should understand what he is going through, because he has gone through medial school and observed and studied situations like hers. And then he freaks out on the register lady, demanding thanks and appreciation, even though he gave the money to the robber with good intentions. He did it because it was the greatest way to solve the problem, and his thinking quickly and dissolving the situation should be reward enough for him. I greatly encourage you to go back, but some more time into it, and rework the ending. In my point of view, Abby should still run and leave, but Frank should understand that she is a broken person, come back into the diner, and just sit down and recollect/observe all that just happened.

• Matt (3.5/5) – Sometimes it seems that you think your metaphors are doing more work than they’re actually doing. Especially in the weak opening, our introduction to the story is distancing and a bit confusing. Also, you must split up dialogue into individual paragraphs when the speakers change. And I hate to repeat the cliché, but there were cases where I’d rather have been shown than been told, especially in recounting environmental/atmospheric details.

• Virgilijus (2/5) – Your words really didn’t flow; there were no lines or paragraphs that made me think to myself, “Wow, that was nicely done.” Try going over each paragraph or dialogue and see if you are overusing a word or are telling more than showing or if it just feels off or bland. Each paragraph has to have some amount of hold on your interest to keep you reading, whether it is a great comparison, description, or dialogue that so perfectly captures a character. It’s a difficult thing to pull off and the only way to get it write is to practice and write more stories!

• Tom (3/5) – There were some mistakes, but I saw a large amount of improvement in this story from Mixed Signals, your last submitted work. This is great to see! (I appreciated the broken streetlight reference, and even naming Gabranth. I thought that was a very smooth touch.) But some of the details need to be looked after, and there was one in particular. The broken down car that made the gun-shot sounds was an anomaly. You said that they were both caught up in the conversation so that they didn't notice the car, but then you went into detail about the car's make, model, and bad condition. That didn't really hit well with me. I think if you spent a bit more time on this story, it would be absolutely great.

• Matt (3/5) – You’ve come a long way from that awful Melee piece, but you’ve still got a ways to go in crafting a truly compelling story, free of unlikelihood and ranting and sloppy metaphors.

• Virgilijus (2/5) – It didn’t really enthrall me. Abby was crazy and she left while Soren realizes life can suck. I know you didn’t finish the story, but it still seemed half composed after getting only a couple of paragraphs in. Finish it all next time, edits included. I would also like to point out that kilohertz don’t affect how loud something is: the amplitude does. Hertz affect how high or low the sound is pitched. Sorry, but being an engineer I have to point that stuff out :-P

• Tom (4/5) – All said, I did enjoy the story. This was an example of a story that really proves phobias as a disorder. I know that you said you didn't think you were going to do well, because the story was rushed. I can see the signs that it was rushed, but I also see a great improvement from Mixed Signals -- an improvement that I really appreciate. I encourage you to enter in the next contest, and really take your time with it. Write it, then revise it, then work out all the kinks.

• Matt (5/5) – Despite knowing that this wasn’t written specifically for the contest, it fit perfectly. I think it works as a strength to the story that the disorder isn’t exactly identifiable, because in that way we can’t bring our prejudgments to the story and we’re compelled to understand the character rather than diagnose him. Excellent!

• Virgilijus (5/5) – The narration reminded me of Flowers for Algernon, with a mentally impaired person writing about how they see things in their very simplistic, blunt way. He definitely wasn’t all there and you could see it from the very beginning. Good job Wobbles.

• Tom (5/5) – Daniel's problem fits the prompt as it drives the story but isn't everything the story is about. It also affects everyone around him. Its interesting, because it isn't a phobia or damage that came psychologically, but because of physical harm. Still, it fits the mold because it provided permanent psychological damage.

• Matt (4.5/5) – My only beef with the tone is the gratuitous gruesome mood that’s reveled in for just a bit too long. Despite his mental troubles, the main character himself didn’t want to recall the graphic details, but the writer did? I find it be overkill (pun intended!), but I must admit that you provided good reason for it in showcasing the protagonist’s incapability of caring. Even his reason for shooting Melody (hey, an allegorical name!) is thought out well.

• Virgilijus (4/5) – The tone was sympathetic in a very good way: it was a simple town with kind hearted people and a mentally impaired person not really knowing why he committed such a horrible deed. You really see the small town and the neighbors that have known each other for years. However, my one main qualm is when Daniel begins quoting some one: the man is impaired, he can’t recite verbatim conversations. He would probably summarize whatever was said in a sentence or two. Other than that, you really hit what you were aiming for.

• Tom (5/5) – I really enjoyed how you set the setting in an understanding manner. The characters were very dynamic, from the doctor, to Junior, to Daniel himself.

• Matt (4.5/5) – This is just a minor complaint, but I think the story would have been even better had it been addressed to “you.” That is, since the protagonist is writing for his psychiatrist, he should have addressed it to him (e.g., “You told me to write this down because you said it would help me”). Otherwise, I like the way the story opens up, how one detailed memory melts seamlessly into another. You, sir, are a good storyteller.

• Virgilijus (4/5) – It was a simplistic style; diary of a child-like patient. But it got the story across very well. Every once in a while I’d see a line that just kind of stood out or went against the flow of the paragraph, but there were a few. Overall, very good.

• Tom (4/5) – The reader knows why the narrator is writing, which is a big plus. Everything is explained in a manner that is easy to understand, even for Daniel. I really do enjoy the ending, because even though Daniel doesn't know why he is incurable, the reader does. The problem I had was that even though Daniel didn't even know why killing the people in the store felt good, and he kept doing it, he was able to comprehend that shooting the Pianist's hands first would do more damage to her. It is very gruesome, but didn't seem characteristic.

• Matt (4.5/5) – I really enjoyed this. I’d have preferred it ending right before the final break, however. Had there been a little more open-endedness for the reader about the fate of the narrator, the story would have been more memorable. It’s a better idea in short stories to end on the question “Can the main character change?” rather than to decisively answer it.

• Virgilijus (4.5/5) – This was one of the few stories I enjoyed all the way through. The only problem is Wobbling was banned during this WWYP and you’ll have to …actually, the story was just lacking that extraLforfeit half a point little umph that hits you and makes you really think about it after you’re done.

• Tom (4.5/5) – I enjoyed the story a lot. There really wasn't much to critique on it, because it was extremely well written. The characters were all well developed, even through the narration of the brain-damaged. I hope you keep entering the contests.

Jam Stunna said:

Is there any way to revamp the judging process, so that judges can actually enter?

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Cort said:

So.. when do I get my pretty orange name? =D

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