[WWYP RT] The Pefect Shave

Holy****. If this isn't first place caliber at least, ****ing shoot me.

The bar has been raised high guys, either quit or become an hero.

Very good use of parallels. Extremely smooth read, no pun intended. I'm buying your first book, like I told you.

We could sure learn a thing or two based on your diction. And I bet they won't see Ashley coming! Man, had me guessing until' the very end almost. I've seen that tactic in books a lot, and you sure did it just as good. Young Conrad you..

Since I haven't seen any other stories, 10/10.

Although I doubt it would drop more than 1.

Very engaging story!

Ok Crimson King, I 've finished reading your piece and it was good, but I have some issues with it.

First, in the beginning your character says all the main character wanted for his/her 13th birthday is to learn to shave, but then you say the manin character is's 17 later on, so my confusion draws from trying to understand whether the main character is 13 telling the story a little after his 13th birthday or is the main character is 17 drawing on the past. If the latter of the two is correct, why at 17 is the main character recalling this story? Also you then state later the main character is about 6 years old when the father goes into his period of yelling and getting angry, while the mother just goes with the grain, so to speak. That does not seem to follow chronologically with your story if the main character is 13 or 17.

Second, ok i understand the chronologically now, but it appears that it could become an issue, since you throw age around alot, be careful with that.

Third, you've got a lot of negative words in there (never, no, couldn't wouldn't, etc.) and I would recommend trying to make those positive words. For example:

YOU WROTE:
She never cared when they called to report my misbehaving because to her, I was flawless

I SUGGEST:
She appeared unconcerned when the school reported my misbehavings. To my mother, I was flawless.

Normally I wouldn't break it into two sentences but you get the idea. The Elements of Style suggests that this suggestion I made is proper practice and makes for a smoother read.

Fourth, write out the numbers in words, dont switch between the actual numbers and words, just use words.

Fifth, this sentence: "Her mother’s last wisdom would perhaps survive another generation. " needs to be rewritten.

The parallels between shaving and the relationship of the parents are very good and original, but at times I feel it was slightly forced, but I thought it was very original. Rather than "The Perfect Shave" for a title, I recommend perhaps, "A Clean Shave" or "Cleanly Shaven". That is up to you though. I was expecting a different ending, something like the main character takes the steps for a proper shave to slice her wrists due to being emotionally scarred by her parents relationship or something along those lines, but the ending was a surprise, I am not sure if it was the best ending for the tale, I feel like it lacked significance.

Don't get me wrong, the ending is beautiful and very appealing and pulls on the heart strings, but I just think it would better in a different piece. Actually, its not some much the ending as it is the tone of the story. The tone of the story reads as something sad, depressing and perhaps at times anger filled, but then this very sweet ending comes out of no where, I dont know, maybe I'm wrong but I just dont think it works well. In my mind, if the tone is sad it should be reflected all the way through.

If the ending was meant to shock me, I am sorry to say it did not.

I think you really have something here with the parallels of shaving and the family, and that alone makes this piece very well written, outside of the other things I pointed out. I guess my major critiques are the chronology, which does at first seem confusing and the ending. I like the ending, but I don't think it fits the story that well, though you did work it in there very nicely.

Good work Crimson King, I'll have my actually scores for you when the judging process beings.

I'll post a revision on Friday or Saturday. Minor stuff, really. I haven't looked at this piece in over a month, and I missed some awkward structures.

That's simply amazing how you can write like that. I love "slow progression into insanity" stories, like "Silent Snow Secret Snow" by Conrad Aiken. And, the twist ending brings it all home. Incredibly clever.

I only have a few issues.

-I keep staring at the last paragraph, and I can't tell who's who. I'm thinking that it's Claire telling Ashley about her (Claire's) mother who went insane. Tell me if I'm right or not.

-What happens to Dad? Or Should I care what happened to Dad? I understand that the focus of the story was on the mother, but the Dad achieves no end, he's simply kicked out and never heard from again.


Otherwise, it's hard critiquing this story because it's so good. I'm hoping I can get to this point one day.

To clarify:

Claire is the narrator of the story. Her mother taught her to shave in a way that was flawless, so that she could teach her son of if she had one. (explanation for that line.) Clarie's mother had a breakdown because she tried to present a picture perfect life for her daughter, but in the end, it all fell apart.

Claire's father is an *******. He cheated on his wife and neglected his family. Keep in mind, Claire idolizes her mother. There will be some spin to the story. With the fact that "Dad" was as such an awful father and husband, was he kicked out or did he leave? I kind of wanted that left for the reader.

Thanks for the praise. I really appreciate any help at all. Please feel free to post your story. If you want to see the kind of progression I made search "Breaking Tradition" (from around 2004-2005) and "Apocalytica" (from WWYP 2) for some of my worse creations. As I become more comfortable writing and more accepting of criticism, I will probably reevaluate those two pieces. Just give it a try; it really doesn't hurt.

Pretty good. First time in a while that I've actually been worried than being worse than another writer on the internet.

Look forward to whatever it is that you throw out next.

I just decided to read this randomly. I'm so glad I did. Excellent from start to finish.

My only problems are ones mentioned before: figuring out how old Claire was and identifying who's who in the end was a little confusing. Other than that, you get a standing ovation from me. Please write more.

All that really matters is that Claire is older than 18 and has a daughter who is 13. Other than that, it's irrelevant.

As for who's who, Claire is talking to her daughter about her mother, hence the quotes throughout.

It was a nice read, but I think the mother said moments got a bit repetitive. It's kind of like hearing someone who is borderline insane saying "Mother says I'm a good little boy." Switching it up gives it much more of a conversational tone that you would be taking with a 13 year old.

That being said, I'm not gonna bother saying it doesn't follow the prompt because you were merely looking for criticism.

What I will say, however, is that the mother having a mental breakdown and killing an elderly couple seems out of place to me. I've personally had my mother break down in front of me to disastrous results which I won't go into here, but she would most likely attack someone who had some sort of connection with the pain that she felt. As insane as people are, their actions are motivated usually by some act of vengeance and it seems that killing an elderly couple would not coincide with the mother's intellect. This could be easily rectified by establishing a connection between the elderly couple and the father.

This story is good though. Struck a cord with me but then again I guess I'm in a different boat. Just look for weird sentence structure and wordiness for the next edit, and focus on making the dialogue to the child more like dialogue that would really transpire between an adult and her child, no matter how honest the mother wishes to be with the child. A suggestion would be adding sugarcoating or something. Not to the actions themselves, but a reflowering of the dialogue.

You cannot judge all people's reactions to an event based on your own life. That part where the woman had a breakdown while driving and drove her car into a house is factual. I found it on a random news site. Adding the part of an elderly couple being inside was to create more impact for the collision.

As for the dialogue, Claire has been conditioned her whole life to be completely frank, honest, and upfront with her daughter, especially her daughter who is dying of cancer. If you have ever seen a parent whose child has cancer, and the relationship is good, they speak to each other like equals.

Also, can you give me examples of wordiness and sentence structure?

Edit: The septic tone of voice is entirely intentional to show her insensitivity to the actions around her. I also forgot to edit the daughter's age to 16.

Oh whoops, I missed the car through the house part when I read it. My bad. I thought she just went on a killing spree. I was like what V_V

There's no examples of wordiness or sentence structure grammatically, I meant it in the sense that it seemed odd that a mother would speak to her child like that, and in that sense the words are chosen oddly. But your point is taken.

I got a call in the middle of my first day of class saying my mom had had another nervous breakdown and driven her car through a house. She killed an elderly couple. She later pled criminally insane and was placed in New Dawn for the remainder of her life.

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Ok, good, I didn't forget the car part! When I read your comment, I wasn't sure if that was in another edit or not.

Does changing her daughter's age fix the awkwardness any?

Eric, your story brought back memories of two other unpublished works I've encountered: Vyse's "Scrambling An Egg" and a former classmate's personal essay. I don't want for that to sting too bad, but it is definitely meant to be a criticism.

When faced with the decision of what sort of vaguely relevant leitmotif to overtly weave into your work--don't. Your leitmotifs should be neither vaguely relevant nor overt. Bear in mind that this criticism comes from a self-proclaimed Style-Whore, so I'm not condemning the use of metaphor or repeated imagery. I'm condemning your execution of it.

Thank God you didn't include numbered and bold section headings to introduce the steps of your leitmotif (and for that matter, thank God you didn't draw your own terrible fan art for the story), but it's still very much jutting out like Chewbacca at a ****** convention. On that note, the thing I remember most about my former classmate's essay was her clumsy attempt at integrating fire imagery into her work. It was rarely apt for the subject matter (sibling rivalry), and just didn't blend smoothly into the narrative whatsoever. It was always a departure, a distraction, and hardly resonant.

I see what you were trying to achieve by juxtaposing artificiality and beauty as a cover-up, but there could have been much much more done to create that contrast. What else about the mother's lifestyle are indicative of her denial, other than her fixation on perfect shaving and her fake smiles? You have an opportunity for some truly interesting characterization on the part of the mother, but she's presented as a one-dimensional mess in her lack of traits and sudden psychopathy. Show us that there's more at work here. Give us more, poignant examples that open up the occasion to a greater criticism of the way most people in the world cope with their troubles: denial and distractions. Just the shaving alone is weak sauce, man.

And the ending is really awful, I think. I especially groaned when you explicitly revealed the moral: "be honest and open with your child." (My bias against morals being in short stories aside) If you MUST include one, don't spell it out so blatantly for the reader. Also, about the ending, it really tips the entire work into the realm of sentimentality. My favorite teacher once said that "sentimentality is the death of art." I dare say it's more than that: it's the death of culture.

The style overall was just really lackluster for me. The "dialog as expository" does not lend itself well to compelling story-telling, but I feel that you could overcome that barrier a little more, anyway. The dialog as is feels very bland and just serves as a vehicle for a solitary leitmotif that is, as before stated, weak sauce.

And for the morbid-expose style of writing that you have a fascination with: The bar has been set very high by Flannery O'Connor, Joyce Carol Oates, and James Joyce. More reading. More practice. More power.

Per advice, I changed the ending to be first person, though I am personally not a fan of first person stories, and I made it clear from the first that the narrator was female.

Please tell me what you think. I have an alternate ending in mind that does involve suicide and a completely androgynous narrator, but I didn't have time to see what people thought first.

Crimson King said:

Per advice, I changed the ending to be first person, though I am personally not a fan of first person stories, and I made it clear from the first that the narrator was female.

Please tell me what you think. I have an alternate ending in mind that does involve suicide and a completely androgynous narrator, but I didn't have time to see what people thought first.

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Character death is always a plus for me. While your ending isn't exactly 'zomg happy' right now, I think that the sadder that stories get, the better they get.

But that's not exactly a common opinion, so I would take that advice with a grain of salt.