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[WWYP RT] Tournament - Revision 1

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SkylerOcon

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Name: Tournament
Word Count: 3,655


He could feel it. A chill crept down his spine the moment just before he got hit by that green car. It wasn’t a feeling of fear, but the icy stare of death. If there was anything that he wanted now, it was to not die. This could not happen to him. He stared down his final moments with a weight of sadness tugging at him. He would die on his wedding day.

With feelings of sorrow, fear, and anger mixed with the kiss of death, the would-be groom, Brian O’ Donnel, was murdered on his wedding day because of a drunk driver. This is not a story of how his bride, Stacy White, felt because of this, but a story of what was happening to him after his untimely death.

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“Ugh…” Brian mumbled as he picked himself up from the dirty asphalt of a city road. As he turned around he saw his body being pulled out of his car by a group of paramedics. “What the hell is happening?”

“Well for starters, I would be acting a bit more pleased if I were you,” started a cocky, male voice. “It’s lucky that you were given a second chance at living.”

Brian, who hadn’t even come to the realization that he was dead, until the nameless man had told him, could only say this: “I’m dead?”

“Well whose body do you think those paramedics are dragging from the burning wreckage of your car crash? Your long lost twin?” retorted the man’s voice.

“So I’m seriously dead.” Brian, who was facing the news of his own death surprisingly calmly, began to speak. “I assume you won’t mind if I ask questions.”

“Mind? I expect it. Every person who ends up in this state wants to ask questions,” replied the man. “So shoot.”

“For starters, what’s your name?” began Brian, “And what’s going on?”

“My name is Valens, the proctor of the Tournoi de la Undead, or the Tournament of the Undead in your own language, to answer your first question. As for your second, that’s a little bit harder. When somebody is killed in completely unfair circumstances, such as yours, it just so happens that if they’re nice enough they can actually become immortal. So, if you want to see your girlfriend again, I suggest you take advantage of that chance!” answered Valens.

“So my death is the ticket to immortality? Ironic,” grinned Brian. “But hurry up and tell me. I want to see Stacy.”

“Fine, fine. Here’s the deal: You’re going to have to take upon a task that few have ever been able to pass.” The strangely light-hearted conversation about the death of Brian changed to a more serious tone.

“And that task would be?” Brian wanted answers. He didn’t particularly like not being able to get married.

“Kill the others who were chosen. It’s that simple.” Valens replied, oddly calm for what the circumstances of revival were.

Brian never really liked killing, and he definitely hated physical movement. He wasn’t fat, in fact he was rather skinny, but that didn’t change his opinions on doing work. “So you’re telling me that I’m going to have to kill people – people who have never done anything to me – just to live again?”

“Well it’s not like they aren’t dead already. Mind you, they’re in the same situation as you are. This is their shot to get back the life that they lost,” Valens explained.

“When does the fighting begin then?” Brian asked, “I want to be prepared.”

“Honestly?” Valens began as a smile cracked on his face, “Now.”

Darkness began to swallow the inner city road where Brian met death. An icy chill replaced the warm summer air, to Brian’s chagrin.

Suddenly, a figure came out of the ground. “Is it a man?” Brian thought to himself, “No, it isn’t a man. Or at least, I think it isn’t. It’s the shape of one, but it’s just white. Like a giant lump of snow.”

The featureless figure soon took color as it began to morph into a more defined shape. The figure turned into a Middle-Eastern looking man. Tall, and with a build that made him look like he belonged in a body building championship, Brian was horribly outmatched. The man, not wanting to let Brian get an advantage, began to charge through the dreary black landscape, right at him.

The man was closing in and fast, as his hand balled up in a fist. Brian, who was horribly intimidated at the very prospect of fighting somebody who appeared so ready to kill him, was near frozen in his place.

“I have to move!” Brian thought. But his legs simply wouldn’t comply in time. A fierce blow struck his cheek and knocked him to the ground.

“Dammit!” cursed Brian. He looked back towards where he fell from and saw his opponent gearing up for another charge. Brian’s legs were definitely moving now.

Brian had an advantage in speed, thanks to good running instructions from his high school track coach, but the other man was obviously much more powerful. The battle was between a scrawny white boy and somebody who could very well have been trained to kill some of his friends that were overseas serving in Iraq.

“For now, just run,” Brian though to himself. “Just run until you can think of a way to defeat him.”

The ceaseless pattern of the lumbering foreigner charging and the small white boy dodging his attacks was having effects on both parties. Several minutes went by and neither of the two men were going to be able to keep up the game of cat and mouse for much longer.

That’s when it struck Brian. This flawed plan was his best – and only – bet. The man came charging once more, and Brian stood his ground. Counting the seconds that went by in his head, Brian jumped out of the way right before the other man hit him. Before the middle-easterner had a chance to turn around, Brian flung himself onto the former’s back and began to strangle the man.

Farsi curses echoed through the blank fighting arena as Brian hung on for dear life whilst the other man was swinging his body around in an attempt to prevent himself from being strangled.

In the end, all of the Farsi speaker’s efforts were in vain, as Brian slowly took the last drop of life from his body. He had never killed anybody before and his only consolation was Valens’ words that kept on echoing through his head: “Well, it’s not like they aren’t dead already.”

The black surrounding turned back to where he was before. The scene of Brian’s accident was now surrounded by tow trucks instead of the ambulances that were there before he had begun to fight. Strangely, the most familiar scene in this thing was Valens.

“I thought you were a goner for sure,” joked Valens. “That man could’ve snapped your spine had you given him the chance.”

“Why are you joking like this? I just killed somebody!” Brian was nearly in tears, though he knew the truth. They were already dead and this was merely a contest to see who would earn the right to live once more.

“You want to see your would-be-wife again, don’t you?” started Valens. “This is your only shot at it.”

Brian, who hadn’t even thought of Stacy lately, began to cry at the thought of what she might be going through. He was causing so many people pain! What must have happened to that Middle-Eastern man to make him achieve the same chance that he had, Brian did not know. All he did know was that he was hurting people right now, and though unintentional, this was what was happening -- and he didn’t like it one bit.

“You have two hours to rest,” explained Valens, “and after that you fight again. If you lose, you’re gone forever. If you win, well, you get to be immortal.”

“And how many fights will it take for me to win?” asked Brian.

“Well, you’ve already won one. So that leaves about another three,” informed Valens.

“Ugh…” Brian mumbled a string of curses under his breath. “I don’t really like fighting.”

“Think of it this way – you’re fending off the living dead!” Valens tried to cheer Brian up, but to no avail.

“What, the living dead fighting the living dead?” Brian joked. “Makes so much sense!”

“Whoever said that this made sense?” questioned the proctor. “Mind you, you’re pretty much breaking the laws of the universe right now so I wouldn’t be too picky if I were you.”

Brian sighed. “Well, do you have any food?”

“Follow me,” commanded Valens.

The pair began to venture towards the inside of the city. They arrived at what looked like the type of old, beaten-up warehouses where drug dealers meet at in movies. The inside was no different. Graffiti was everywhere and the only thing that could possibly be its saving grace was the fact that it had food, and Brian was hungry after his fight.

The food was a bit out of place for where it was being cooked however. The smell of fish and steak meat was obviously being cooked with the combatants of the Tournoi de la Undead in mind.

Towards the back of the warehouse, there was a full buffet line, as well as a few tables. Mostly, people sat by themselves, but some choose to sit together. Brian was sure to pick up some of the healthiest food that there was and proceeded to scan the room for an empty table. To his dismay, there were none. He chose to sit at a table where a woman and a teenager sat, both talking as if they were old friends.

Brian gave an awkward hello as he sat down and began eating.

“What’s up?” asked the teenager. “What’re you in for?”

Brian was slightly annoyed that the other guy could look at an event such as this with such lightheartedness grew angry. He began to speak: “What do you mean ‘what’re you in for’? Are you kidding me? We’re dead! And we might have to kill each other! And you’re acting like its some prison cell?”

“Well sorry!” began the younger man. “I was just curious y’know. I don’t exactly like that I’m dead either.”

Brian mumbled, “Sorry… I… I died in a car crash on the way to my wedding.”

“Beats mine,” shrugged the guy. “Turns out that the girl I was about to lose it to
was a murderer. Fun, isn’t it?”

“That’s not good,” started Brian. Then, looking towards the girl he spoke, “What about you?”

“There was a fire at the office where I work. I pushed my friend out of the way of a falling support beam, but in the process I got killed.” Brian thanked God as she was the first person he had talked to since his death to not be sarcastic or joking about this whole fiasco.

“My name’s Percy Armstrong,” grinned the teenager, “What’re your names?”

“Mine’s Alicia Lokhart,” replied the woman.

“Brian O’ Donnel. Nice to meet you all.”

The three got to talking and formed something that resembled friendship. Somewhat out of a need to retain sanity and somewhat just because it turned out that way, this was definitely something that they did not mind.

After a while Valens walked up and began to talk, “Hey. Your next match is going to start in about five seconds. Get ready.”

“Gah! Couldn’t you have given me a bit more warning?” Brian’s protests went unheard, however, as the black battle arena made its return. This time the opponents white outline was clearly female. As the figure began to take shape, it looked like the type of person you would see in a McDonald’s commercial. She was in good shape, had good hair, and had nice clothes. However, there was one subtle difference between her being in a commercial and this situation – she was going to try and kill Brian.

“Ready to die?” she smirked. She then began to walk towards Brian, her hands curling into fists.

“You seem sure of yourself,” muttered Brian. Not sure of any particular fighting style, he just stood his ground and prepared himself to move his hands in any direction that his opponent may strike.

As the woman got closer, she began to run faster and faster. And she was fast.

“Crap! She’s really fast!” Brian thought. “There’s no way I can outrun her! Maybe I can overpower her?”

There was a loud thump and Brian kneeled over on the ground. “Okay… maybe not overpower her either.”

The woman, who now seemed less like she was from a McDonald’s commercial and more like she was a fifth degree black belt, wasn’t done yet. She moved her leg up to
kick Brian, but Brian caught it and flipped her onto the ground.

“Yeah, like I was going to let you break my ribs,” he said sarcastically. He then jumped on top of her elbows, knelt down, and began to hit her in the stomach as hard as he could. She flailed like crazy, but the pressure on her arms was incredibly painful. She was going to do something about it and do it fast.

Instead of taking the abuse, she got up and head butted Brian in the crotch.

“Ow! God dammit!” Brian fell over on the floor, “That’s just not fair!”

“And what, nearly breaking my elbows was?” returned the woman.

Brian, who still couldn’t feel his crotch, got up and threw a punch. It was caught by the girl who returned fire. Brian knocked it away and quickly attacked again. This swapping of punches lasted for a while, when Brian lifted up his leg and kicked her hard in the stomach, knocking her to the ground.

Not one to miss a good chance, Brian followed up with a kick to the jaw. With her abdomen and jaw in pain, the woman could barely move.

Brian began to kick her ribs as hard as he could. He heard a few cracks and then cried, “I’m sorry,” and began to strangle the weakened girl.

He had killed another person, and in the process lost another part of himself. The same words were going though his head as the ones after his last victory. “It’s not like they weren’t dead already.”

As a sign of his assured victory, the black battleground turned back to where he was before.

“Congrats,” grinned Valens. “You’re the second to finish.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Brian murmured. “I still don’t like having to kill people.”

“You’re not killing them. You can think of it more as reassuring their death,” improvised Valens.

“Whatever,” Brian said nonchalantly. He sat down and decided that all he could do was wait, both for his next match and his new friends.

They appeared, Alicia first, then Percy. The three nodded in recognition and sat down with each other.

“I really, really hate this,” Brian said, “I don’t care if they’re already dead, but I’m still killing them.”

“Dude, you’re dead too. I’m pretty sure that everybody that you’ve fought has thought that it didn’t matter because you were just as dead as they were and just as lucky to get a second chance. Don’t think that you’re doing some criminal act just because you want to live again,” Percy reminded.

“Yeah, but this isn’t just a second shot at life. I mean, if what they’re saying is true; that the winner becomes immortal! It’s nothing like just living again at all!” Brian complained.

“Yeah, but were you immortal before this happened?” questioned Alicia. “I thought not. The fact remains that we’re all dead. All of us. We can’t deny that, because I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen the scenes of our final minutes. You’re not making them lose anything. You’re just fighting to gain something for yourself.”

“I guess when you put it that way, it doesn’t seem so bad,” Brian sighed, “I still don’t like it though.”

So, once more the three were talking until the proctor came up and told them that they had about five seconds until they fought again and the trio departed to there respective fights once more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I killed him! I killed Percy!” cried Alicia.

“What? Are you kidding me?” Brian was aghast at this. It never occurred to them that Alicia or Percy would be defeated, much less because of one of the pair’s doing.

“No! Would I joke about this?” Alicia began. “It’s just… Not good… I mean, we didn’t know each other before this, but you and him were what kept me from losing it. I mean, I am dead after all.”

Brian had just returned from his fight to see Alicia there once more, but not Percy. Initially, Brian assumed that Percy just wasn’t done fighting. He didn’t even think that either Alicia or Percy would die. However, he knew that he should have expected this, because only one was allowed to achieve immortality. He had thought many times that he was death-bound, but never had he thought that somebody he was close to could die.

“That… sucks…” Brian said, unsure of what else to say.

“You think?” Alicia said irately. “I just killed a friend!”

“You know, I don’t like killing anybody. The only thing that’s kept me somewhat tem sane during this whole ordeal is the fact that everybody’s already dead. Not to say that it’s a good thing that they are, but you’re not really killing anybody when this happens,” Brian explained.

“But I could feel it! I drained every last drop of life – or whatever it is we are now – from his dying body!” Alicia cried. “I took away what he had of getting a second chance!”

“I know I sound like a jerk here, but now you yourself have a possibility of a second chance. So it’s not like Percy’s death was in vain!” Brian explained, hoping to calm Alicia down.

“You’re right… I just don’t want to have the displeasure of killing somebody whose keeping me sane again,” Alicia laughed awkwardly.

“Unfortunately, you’ll have that displeasure,” Valens started. “The final round starts now.”

“The final round? That means you and I are the last two to alive, Alicia!” Brian exclaimed. The inside of the warehouse turned into the same black arena that he had seen three times before, but Alicia was nowhere in sight. “Alicia?”

It was then that the figure of Alicia began to take shape from another one of the lifeless white outlines. The same Alicia he knew, but he knew he couldn’t hurt her. She was human. It’s always harder to kill a friend, because of the pure and simple fact that you know them. You can kill a random enemy in war because they aren’t made out to be human. They’re made out to be lifeless evil souls whose only purpose is to kill you. But Brian knew that Alicia wasn’t that.

“Brian… one of us will die here,” Alicia started. “So let’s just get this over with, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just wish that we didn’t have to fight in the first place,” Brian sighed.

“Just to warn you before we start… I’m a fifth degree blackbelt,” Alicia stated.

“Are you kidding me? I have to fight a real fifth degree blackbelt this time? And I thought the other chick was bad enough!” Brian ranted. However, he realized that Alicia didn’t exactly want to wait for Brian to finish his complaints. She was already charging at him.

Before Brian could even think of doing anything in defense, Alicia landed a roundhouse kick to his face, which knocked him down onto the ground. She then grabbed his arm and flipped him over her shoulder.

“I can’t fight her! Who am I kidding?” Brian thought. He looked up and rolled out of the way of a nasty kick that Alicia was about to land on him. “Wait a second… is she crying?”

Indeed, Alicia was crying. The pain of having to kill somebody she knew who had no hope of victory was insanely difficult on her. The least she could do was make it fast and painless.

Instead of dragging out the fight and leaving him bloody and lifeless, Alicia karate chopped the back of Brian’s neck, right on the pressure point. He was knocked out cold.

Alicia then began to choke Brian, which was an ironic end for somebody who had killed many others in the same fashion. She couldn’t stop crying as the life slowly began to escape from Brian.

Soon, the black arena turned back into the warehouse background.

“Congratulations. You’ve won, Alicia Lokhart,” Valens congratulated. “Enjoy eternity.”

“What happens when you lose, Valens?” Alicia asked.

“You go on to heaven or hell. Take your pick. I’m pretty sure both of your friends went to the former, so you won’t have to worry. Just don’t beat yourself up to hard over this – he was already dead. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Valens answered.

“I just wish it didn’t have to be this way,” Alicia sighed.

“Do you?” Valens asked.

“Yeah.” Alicia began to cry, “I’ll miss them both. I never really knew them, but they were at least the people who kept me sane through this.”

Valens simply nodded in agreement. “Good luck back in the real world.”

A falling sensation overtook Alicia. She could feel herself rushing back towards where she was supposed to be.

Alicia Lokhart awoke in a hospital bed with nothing except for herself. She would never be gone, and she would have to make the best of it. A small blood stain on her hand was a reminder of a few lost friends and an impossible reality. She knew know that she would never experience the heaven that Brian and Percy knew.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Not a lot of time to respond as my battery is dead and my charger is at work, but I'll edit this for a bigger reply later.

Note: "congratulations"

Edit:

All right. The story is really good, just some issues bog it down. Not sure how adherence to the prompt went, but prompts are meant to get you a basis for writing and not limit you so it was good enough.

Your biggest issue is grammatical and spelling errors. I don't want to go completely line-by-line and fix all these errors because I believe you are more than capable of that, so I won't insult you. Some errors to look out for are commas, semicolons, and one vs. two word issues. Commas separate two clauses or a list of three or more. Commas do not separate phrases. Just adding a conjunction does not make it a complete clause and again, is crucial grammatical issue. For one vs. two word issues, "bodybuilder" vs. "body builder"; "**** it" vs. "****it/dammit"; and most importantly, "all right" vs. "alright." These errors make the reader, whoever it may be, think you cannot spell.

Wordiness severely hurts this story. "He said sarcastically," is less strong than saying "'[something sarcastic]' he said." Adding those little extras to "said" really make the idea that what you said wasn't clear enough. That was a bad example, but usually you can get away with "sarcastically."

SkylarOcon said:
Brian had just returned from his fight to see Alicia there once more, but not Percy. Initially, Brian assumed that Percy just wasn’t done fighting. He hadn’t even thought that Percy would die. He didn’t even think that either Alicia or Percy would die. However, he knew that he should have expected this, because only one was allowed to achieve immortality, but the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind that a friend would die. Mind you, he had thought many times that he was death-bound, but never had he though that somebody he was close too could die.
In here, you repeated the bold ideas, when it works better with just the second sentence. The underline portions FURTHER repeat this idea again. Chop this down to one sentence to keep the image strong. Remember 1+1=1/2, meaning the more you use an image; the more it's strength is reduced.

Another nit-picky thing: no parenthesis. Commas work better as a side note compared to parenthesis.

Finally, and most crucially, the ending wasn't good, at all. The main reason I didn't like it was it focused on a character that wasn't introduced until the middle of the story. This can work in a novel, but a short story must center around the main character. Alicia can win, but the last two paragraphs follow her to her end. I wanted to end with what happened with Brian. Also, Brian seemed way too at ease about his death. He knows he died on his wedding, and I felt he should be a lot more angry and upset.

As a side note: I highly advise changing all thoughts to words in italics. After the first one, you don't need to "he thought" etc. "That man is such a ****, but he's my only way out. he thought," works strongly, and afterwards, I can get away with just italics.

Sorry to come off a bit critical, but I see a lot of potential with this story, and I think you just need to really polish it to have a real winner. Best of luck!
 

SkylerOcon

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Thanks. I always have trouble with grammar and stuff, so thanks for pointing out specifically what I was doing wrong with this piece.

Personally, I like the ending, but I'll try to change it a bit as you had a point. I'll change it up a little bit (but still keep it essentially the same).
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Best way to hit grammar: Print your paper out, triple spaced, and read through it sentence by sentence. Is the sentence your reading important as the one before it?

The ending is a personal preference thing and a direction thing. Having Alicia win makes logical sense, but the ending should show what happens to Brian in a direct way OR have more of her in the narrative throughout, ie show her fighting. Just be sure to keep perspective in the right eyes. I have a horrible tendency to jump around illogically.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Was it localized revisions or overall? I don't have time to read the whole thing now before bed, but if it's just certain parts I can probably comment now.
 

SkylerOcon

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I changed some stuff around. Nothing major, just cleaning up grammar issues and I changed the ending. So if you don't have time to read through the whole thing, just read the ending.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Great ending. I really can see how Alicia took the focus of the story and went off into her own, while keeping our thoughts on Brian. One little bit of advice, when doing thoughts, use Italics. It distinguishes between what is said and unsaid. There may be other nitpicky things for you personally, but I think the ending is much stronger. Great job.
 

SkylerOcon

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Thanks. And I have them italicized in the word document I have it saved under, but I'm just to lazy to do it here.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Gotcha. That is quickly becoming the standard for writing - thoughts = italicized.

Hopefully, other people actually enter the contest and leave feedback...
 

McCloud

je suis l'agent du chaos.
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"So foul and f-air a day I have not seen.&quo
Hmm. I have mixed feelings about this story. In my constructive criticism I mostly point out negative aspects because well, no praise is sung for the general who performs his duty.

One the one hand it is nicely done and completed and I enjoyed the overarching themes and premise. On the other hand it's goofy with cliched wordings and premise. I accept the premise of a tournament for the dead, but a person dies like every 3 seconds. You kind of get out of it with the whole "died for a good cause or was a good person" thing, but even then there's got to be a hell of a lot of people.

This story could benefit from more background. What are they talking about to become good friends? This not only adds character to your protagonist and Alicia, it makes their ultimate confrontation more dynamic.

That being said, your "main" character doesn't really go through anything other than "man it sucks to kill people." Which is fine, but if you're only going to deal with one topic, then extend it and make it much more personalized.

Other background information should answer the question of " Who is the mysterious dude who organizes a tournament for dead people? How does he have the power to choose who achieves immortality? Is he God's bloodthirsty doppleganger?" etc

And as always, editing for wordiness and sentence structure helps.

Strong entry and good luck to you!
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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I disagree. Valens does not matter directly to the story. He is obviously a man of great power and intelligence and has the ability to save people's lives. Anything added other than that will take the narrative away from the main character.
 

SkylerOcon

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I see where he's coming from. But with short stories, it's better not to give full-fledged backgrounds to each of the characters. Not even the main character usually gets one unless it's important to the story (I think CK's entry would be a good example of this).

And yeah. I'm still going through it correcting stuff. Expect one or two more revisions before judging begins.
 

McCloud

je suis l'agent du chaos.
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"So foul and f-air a day I have not seen.&quo
Understandable, but I think not having at least "conversations" between the three characters (i.e. the places where you just "say" that they talked) really weakens the character's ties to each other.


A final note I would say look at your intro.

He could feel it. A chill crept down his spine the moment just before he got hit by that green car. It wasn’t a feeling of fear, but the icy stare of death. If there was anything that he wanted now, it was to not die. This could not happen to him. He stared down his final moments with a weight of sadness tugging at him. He would die on his wedding day.
Chills down spines, icy death stares, weight of sadness. Try to think of a better way to describe death in general. We all know the way death has been presented to us. Make it your own like the rest of the story does with death.
 
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