A note to Scav: Please find it in your heart to bestow the prizes to their respective participants. They are: to Crimson King, Writer's group admission; to McCloud, Writer's group admission and a custom title; to Jam Stunna, a custom title.
A little note to Virgilijus: Sticky this and check my math, please. Sigh five!
Hey, the Scores!:
[1] “The Perfect Shave” by Crimson King [52.5/80]
[2] “Tagged” by McCloud [51.5/80]
[3] “Into The Darkness” by Jam Stunna [51/80]
[4] “Tournament” by SkylerOcon [45.5/80]
Critiques by Jam Stunna are in orange.
Critiques by Tom are in lime.
Critiques by McCloud are in pink.
Critiques by Crimson King are in red.
Critiques by Skylerocon are in yellow.
Crimson King would like you to know that if you want a evaluated/corrected story from him, he has it. Just PM him.
1st. “The Perfect Shave” by Crimson King [52.5/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [13.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I suppose that the passing down of shaving techniques qualifies, although the character has not given future generations anything that they can’t look up in a book on their own.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: There’s nothing really important to say here. CK did what he was supposed to.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Adherence to prompt here can be stretched, but I don't feel like this story suits the prompt in any particularly strong fashion. A hint of the idea is there, but I can't justify full credit for a hint. And at any rate, the rest of the story leads me to believe that the hint is not the author's full intention.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: The first generation mother and second generation father both receive a sort of immortality through sharing their shaving tips and applications – right? Does the father even teach his daughter how to shave, or does he simply narrate his knowledge while shaving his own head? Like McCloud’s sort of immortality, this knowledge is short-lived, presumably passing on only to this next generation.
2) Tone [13.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: The sections about shaving were well done, and actually pretty informative. The characters were consistent in their actions, although those actions were, at times, a little unbelievable. The narrator’s voice remains objective and factual, and I like that a lot about this piece.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It stays pretty much perfect the entire time. At a few parts it felt like it was going of a bit, but it quickly returns to the feel of the rest of the piece.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: To be honest, I found the tone overly dry. I understand that it was your intention and part of the character's personality to be dry and septic, but the way the story was presented didn't engage me tonally. There is no contrast to highlight dryness and I think that would have added to the dynamic of the characters and their situation.
Tom’s Score: 3/5
Tom’s Comments: Consistency is key when it comes to tone, and everything stayed fluid and in the same manner right until the end. Everything about the last few paragraphs seemed a bit off – I would have liked a different approach concerning the story’s main “ah-ha” revelation of the cancer. While the characters were consistent with their actions, I found Mom, Dad, and daughter as flatly “bottling emotion in a balloon,” “wife beater,” and “cancer patient.”
3) Style [14/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I like how you tied together the plot with the shaving instruction, that was well done. The areas that really hurt you were the character reactions and the ending. I have a hard time buying a lot of what “Mom” did as reactions to her husband’s infidelity, and the ending threw me through a loop the first time I read it. You fixed some of the more outstanding issues with the ending, but it still feels tacked on for added emotional effect.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: A very unique style. It seems halfway between a story that a sobbing mother would be telling on Oprah and a guide on how to shave your legs.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I think Matt hit the nail on the head here. The story's leitmotif is rather jarring and it disrupts the flow of the story. The jumps between the overarching theme and the discussion feels rather like an critical analysis essay rather than a story.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I don’t share Matt’s almost disgusted attitude on leitmotif. I took off a point because the ending, while acceptable and suitable, made me pause for the wrong reasons. My “ah ha” experience was tainted by the feeling that the ending was a bit of a last minute addition. Whether it was or it wasn’t, a quick revision of the transition into the end and the end would be great.
4) Enjoyment [11.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 2/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: This is the part that hurts. There’s nothing wrong with this story, I just didn’t like it very much. I felt no connection to “Dad”, he’s just a faceless evil-doer. “Mom” comes across as barely deserving any sympathy due to her own lack of character, and the ending still remains as one of the more confusing aspects of the story to me. I suppose that giving a character cancer gives you a way to tie up the ending with shaving, but it ends up distracting more than it gives closure.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: Good. It kept me entertained through the whole piece.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I do like the premise, but I think that the story could be more complex than it is. There is a certain lack of subtlety to this story that leaves me emotionally detached.
Tom’s Score: 3/5
Tom’s Comments: I enjoyed reading this story, but near the end my understanding and therefore enjoyment faltered.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: I read the comments that others made about this story before the contest ended. While they had some legitimate points, I think they overstated the problems it faces. For me, this was a well-written, well-executed piece, but it’s not my cup of tea. You’re obviously talented, and I look forward to more of your writing.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: Publish your short stories.
Tom’s Overall comments: I enjoyed the story and I hope you understand my concerns about the end.
2nd (tied). “Tagged” by McCloud [51/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [11.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: You did pretty well in adhering to the prompt. I have some issues with how you incorporated immortality into the ending, and I explain those issues with greater detail in the Tone section.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 2.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: They’re immortal as long as their wall of graffiti stays there. But, we don’t know for how long.
Crimson King’s Score: 1/5
Crimson King’s Comments: If it was there, I didn't see it. I gave you a point for the fact you hinted on two ideas at immortality - graffiti and thusly art and being famous. The idea wasn't defined enough and felt like an after thought.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: The immortality of their art self-admittedly lasts only until another punk comes by and tags over their perfection.
2) Tone [15.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: In general, the tone is natural and fits the story, but it gets stretched in a few areas, most notably the ending. I feel that a more subtle way of expressing David and Michael’s feelings about the wrong path their lives took would have matched the overall mood of the story better, as opposed to them blurting out “This is how we’ll be remembered”. Keep your audience in mind: we all know the prompt, so subtlety wouldn’t really hurt you.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It feels very on the edge, but sometimes in the wrong places.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The characters felt real and three-dimensional and the location of the piece felt realistic and authentic. I would have liked more in the imagery department, but you made up for that with the others.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I enjoyed the characters and the fluid feel of the story.
3) Style [12/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: There are a few areas where the writing gets a little cluttered, like the paragraph where you describe the main character’s wife. Cut some stuff from there, and it would be perfect. Also, I didn’t like that you didn’t really know who was talking at any given time until they had finished. Just one or two “David said”s can fix that. Finally, I think the story would benefit from a past tense point of view. It sounds like someone is telling the story as it happens, but from the third person. That always comes across as strange to me, as I think that present tense works best for first person narratives.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It feels like you were writing a play at sometimes, and an short story for English class at others. Though I wish it did, the mix doesn’t go together well for me.
Crimson King’s Score: 2/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I really advise reading some grammar books and rules. Commas were missing, word choice was poor at times, and clarity wasn't there. Also, at least two times you switch to Shakespearean language for no reason whatsoever. "Exeunt" and "Thus" are not common terms for people, especially vandals. "Thus, I'm here with you" sounds so artificial and fake.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: Some dialogue was out of place, but I would expect an educated yet hesitant-to-grow-up protagonist to validate his life as an experience worth watching – I approve of the drama jargon. Just next time, proofread for grammar errors, commas, etc.
4) Enjoyment [12.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I really enjoyed reading this, and there were some genuinely well done moments, such as the “Golf” note. I felt that the part about immortality was a little too blatantly stated, and I take off .5 for that. This was a fun read though.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It had plenty of potential, but dialogue feels forced and you abuse profanities. I did get a good laugh at the “Weren’t we supposed to grow out of the “I like to mess things up” phase at some point in college?” line though.
Crimson King’s Score: 1.5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I'm sorry, but I really didn't enjoy this piece. You have some good characters, with occasionally good dialogue, but the story goes nowhere. It feels like nothing of interest happens. I don't get at all why his wife left because they had a small fight. If there was past fights, you should show at least one.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I liked reading this piece. I never stopped mid-story to think about something previous or irrelevant.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: This was a very well-written piece. There are a couple of weak areas, but they don’t hold back the piece much. I enjoyed it a lot.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: This could have been really good. But, you cursed to much and David and Michael’s immorality could be short lived based on the city clean up crew or other taggers.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: Maybe if I were into graffiti, I could enjoy this piece more. However, I am not so I feel this doesn't have much universal appeal. You have the ability to write, just your focus was all over the place.
Tom’s Overall comments: You don’t get overall comments because you didn’t give them to anyone else. How do you like them apples?
2nd (tied).“Into The Darkness” by Jam Stunna [51/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [6/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 0/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: No proof of anybody or anything becoming immortal, whether it be figurative or literal.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I can kind of see where you're going with this, but it needs more work in order to be a strong story about immortality, or lack thereof.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I originally gave it a 5 in adherence, but I think I might have let it slid too much because I enjoyed this piece so much. He doesn't really gain immortality, he just comes to terms with his life in a great way. I loved it, regardless.
Tom’s Score: 0/5
Tom’s Comments: I’m sorry, but after two read-throughs I cannot understand what is becoming immortal in either a literal or figurative sense. The protagonist seems to regain an appreciation of life, but that sort of revelation is limited to your lifespan.
2) Tone [15.5/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: Good. It remained the same throughout
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Consistent tone. The narration gives me a sense of urgency and anxiety that should come with a fear of the dark. However, it also leaves me wanting for more than was in the story.
Crimson King’s Score: 4.5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: Wow. The imagery in this story was simply some of the best I have read in a long time from an (presumably) unpublished author. When the darkness is moving around, I really feel the sensations. Great stuff. My only problem was following the setting a bit. I think he was just in his house and neighborhood, but I may be completely off.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: The tone of the story was exceptionally fitting to the sort of experience the protagonist was going through.
3) Style [14/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It felt a lot like drabble, but I’m not sure that’s what you were going for. Nevertheless, it worked.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Your syntax was a little odd with this one, Jam. You used a lot of 3 noun structures (blank, blank, and blank) repeatedly. In the end it made it a bit difficult to plow through. Also, I know that 22 times for you to use the word darkness out of 2109 words isn't a lot, but reading it, it felt like it was a lot more. (Not being mean, but I thought this was related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ACO1g-SCDg ) Synonyms and perhaps a limited use of the word would help emphasize the power of darkness and the fear it inspires.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: Grammar and commas hurt you the most. I find a lot of oddly placed commas or absent commas, which for me, shakes me a bit. Also, I'd avoid the constant repetition like "alone in the darkness, in the eternal night" constructions like that kill the imagery. Sol Stein uses the formula "1+1 = 1/2" in that every time you use an image more than once, you reduce it's strength to 1/2. It would also help cut down on wordiness.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: The story was great, but my understanding of it was limited by the ambiguity what was actually happening. I also share in some of the other readers’ concerns over repetition.
4) Enjoyment [15.5/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It was very well written and it was an interesting read. I’m not sure if it’s a true story or not, but it was good either way.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I don't think this was your strongest work, Jam. It's a bit repetitive and drawn out and the imagery isn't strong enough because it's repeated all too often. However, I think with some more editing this would be a really good story.
Crimson King’s Score: 5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was a fun piece to read. I am a horror writer, viewer, and enthusiast and you tapped into it without effort.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: Although it took me a while to realize what was going on, which isn’t a killer but it’s not exactly great for your reader either – the problem was that after a second read-through, the ambiguity didn’t dissolve. Despite the understanding problem, I really enjoyed reading this even though I couldn’t really connect it to the prompt.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: Very good. Just follow the prompt next time.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: This is a great piece that I enjoyed thoroughly. A good clean revision or two will make this story so much better. I loved it.
Tom’s Overall comments: Good stuff. Follow the prompt next time, huh?
4th. “Tournament” by SkylerOcon [45.5/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [20/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 5/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: It’s very clear and spelled out. You’re the only entrant who actually used the prompt literally.
McCloud’s Score: 5/5
McCloud’s Comments: I can't really knock off points here. The story is about immortality.
Crimson King’s Score: 5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was the only piece in WWYP that explicitly hit the prompt dead-on and explored the dangers of it.
Tom’s Score: 5/5
Tom’s Comments: Literal immortality.
2) Tone [9/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 2/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I felt like I was reading an anime novelization in some areas, especially when your main character was explaining what he was going to do or what he was facing in his dialog. It’s been said a thousand times, but I’ll say it again: Show, don’t tell.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Consistent tone throughout the piece, which is nice. There should be much stronger emotional overtones, especially for a man who has just died on his wedding day.
Crimson King’s Score: 3/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The characters were pretty much hit or miss. Percy felt human and organic; Brian felt like a machine. In fact, Alicia, who takes over as main character for no reason whatsoever, felt deeper than Brian did. The imagery of the locale was pretty good so I'll give you points there.
Tom’s Score: 2/5
Tom’s Comments: “Show, don’t tell” applies to too many moments in your story. I would have liked to see more characterization in the protagonist’s newfound yet short-lived companions.
3) Style [7/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 1/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: There was an extreme tendency for you to over-explain things. That really dragged this story down. There are tons of examples of it, and you should definitely watch out for that in the future. Also, some of the writing came across as just plain odd, like when Brian guesses that the woman he’s fighting is a 5th degree black belt, then he actually faces a 5th degree black belt, and makes a verbal note of the situation. Things like that seem small, but they add up to detract a lot from the story.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: A bit of cliche structures here and there really hurt this story for me. I didn't imagine anything new when I read it. We honestly get no real emotional depth or insight into the characters throughout most of the story. The emotion is the same: fight and get out, up until close to the very end.
Crimson King’s Score: 3/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The writing is clean, but there are some issues. Please don't point out Irony. I counted at least two times of this. It's better to say something ironic, and let us figure it out. Comma issues were pretty bad on some parts, but overall it was fine. Dialogue felt so mechanical, and if you'd like me to go more in-depth with it, I can do that, just PM me.
Tom’s Score: 1/5
Tom’s Comments: There were a large number of misplaced modifiers, or expressions that should have applied to one character/place but instead applied to a different due to sentence structure. A large portion of explanation in the story would have been better realized through description and action than in dialogue or commentary. The dialogue did not seem realistic, even at the level of a man fighting for his life in this sort of fashion.
4) Enjoyment [9.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 1/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I’m sorry, but as I was reading this, I kept thinking to myself, “When will this end?”
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: It's not a bad story, but certain things hinder it. Namely the lack of characterization of the characters. You had a nice opportunity to dive right into the background of the characters but chose instead to summarize with a sentence or two and go into another fight scene.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was a cool piece to read because of how the character went from death to combat pretty quickly. Some transitions were too fast and some too slow, but that'll come with time.
Tom’s Score: 2.5/5
Tom’s Comments: I appreciate the literal interpretation of the prompt and your story in general, but finding mistakes as I read does not help me enjoy the story. An original personification of Death and more character personality would have enhanced this score greatly.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: You had a very interesting premise, and I was somewhat partial to it because of a certain game I’ve been playing lately. But, the writing style and tone were just so poorly done that it destroyed any sense of enjoyment I could derive from the story. All that aside, what you’re doing is basically making a lot of new writer mistakes, and that’s perfectly fine. Keep writing, and most importantly, keep reading, and you’ll definitely see improvements.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: I liked this piece a lot, but grammar and some other logical issues hindered it from getting top place. Rewrite this piece in chapter format next time. You may have a novel.
Tom’s Overall comments: I agree with Crimson King’s comments to a certain degree. I believe that this sort of story would be better extended into a longer format, like the novel, but if you were to pursue that you would need to greatly develop your characters and work on the dialogue.
A little note to Virgilijus: Sticky this and check my math, please. Sigh five!
Thank you all for your help in making this a success. We only had one participant disqualified, which is... well, still a success in my book. A few of the scores you all sent me were ties, so its not surprising to me that we had a tie for second place. Out of the spirit of friendly competition, I'm going to request that both 2nd place entrants recieve the 2nd place prizes. And as an added bonus, because custom avatars are no longer a perk here at Smash World Forums, I would like to announce that the 1st place entrant is now a Modera... wait... like to announce that the 1st place entrant is now a SUPER Modera... hmm...
Hey, the Scores!:
[1] “The Perfect Shave” by Crimson King [52.5/80]
[2] “Tagged” by McCloud [51.5/80]
[3] “Into The Darkness” by Jam Stunna [51/80]
[4] “Tournament” by SkylerOcon [45.5/80]
Critiques by Jam Stunna are in orange.
Critiques by Tom are in lime.
Critiques by McCloud are in pink.
Critiques by Crimson King are in red.
Critiques by Skylerocon are in yellow.
Crimson King would like you to know that if you want a evaluated/corrected story from him, he has it. Just PM him.
1st. “The Perfect Shave” by Crimson King [52.5/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [13.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I suppose that the passing down of shaving techniques qualifies, although the character has not given future generations anything that they can’t look up in a book on their own.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: There’s nothing really important to say here. CK did what he was supposed to.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Adherence to prompt here can be stretched, but I don't feel like this story suits the prompt in any particularly strong fashion. A hint of the idea is there, but I can't justify full credit for a hint. And at any rate, the rest of the story leads me to believe that the hint is not the author's full intention.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: The first generation mother and second generation father both receive a sort of immortality through sharing their shaving tips and applications – right? Does the father even teach his daughter how to shave, or does he simply narrate his knowledge while shaving his own head? Like McCloud’s sort of immortality, this knowledge is short-lived, presumably passing on only to this next generation.
2) Tone [13.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: The sections about shaving were well done, and actually pretty informative. The characters were consistent in their actions, although those actions were, at times, a little unbelievable. The narrator’s voice remains objective and factual, and I like that a lot about this piece.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It stays pretty much perfect the entire time. At a few parts it felt like it was going of a bit, but it quickly returns to the feel of the rest of the piece.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: To be honest, I found the tone overly dry. I understand that it was your intention and part of the character's personality to be dry and septic, but the way the story was presented didn't engage me tonally. There is no contrast to highlight dryness and I think that would have added to the dynamic of the characters and their situation.
Tom’s Score: 3/5
Tom’s Comments: Consistency is key when it comes to tone, and everything stayed fluid and in the same manner right until the end. Everything about the last few paragraphs seemed a bit off – I would have liked a different approach concerning the story’s main “ah-ha” revelation of the cancer. While the characters were consistent with their actions, I found Mom, Dad, and daughter as flatly “bottling emotion in a balloon,” “wife beater,” and “cancer patient.”
3) Style [14/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I like how you tied together the plot with the shaving instruction, that was well done. The areas that really hurt you were the character reactions and the ending. I have a hard time buying a lot of what “Mom” did as reactions to her husband’s infidelity, and the ending threw me through a loop the first time I read it. You fixed some of the more outstanding issues with the ending, but it still feels tacked on for added emotional effect.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: A very unique style. It seems halfway between a story that a sobbing mother would be telling on Oprah and a guide on how to shave your legs.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I think Matt hit the nail on the head here. The story's leitmotif is rather jarring and it disrupts the flow of the story. The jumps between the overarching theme and the discussion feels rather like an critical analysis essay rather than a story.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I don’t share Matt’s almost disgusted attitude on leitmotif. I took off a point because the ending, while acceptable and suitable, made me pause for the wrong reasons. My “ah ha” experience was tainted by the feeling that the ending was a bit of a last minute addition. Whether it was or it wasn’t, a quick revision of the transition into the end and the end would be great.
4) Enjoyment [11.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 2/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: This is the part that hurts. There’s nothing wrong with this story, I just didn’t like it very much. I felt no connection to “Dad”, he’s just a faceless evil-doer. “Mom” comes across as barely deserving any sympathy due to her own lack of character, and the ending still remains as one of the more confusing aspects of the story to me. I suppose that giving a character cancer gives you a way to tie up the ending with shaving, but it ends up distracting more than it gives closure.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: Good. It kept me entertained through the whole piece.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I do like the premise, but I think that the story could be more complex than it is. There is a certain lack of subtlety to this story that leaves me emotionally detached.
Tom’s Score: 3/5
Tom’s Comments: I enjoyed reading this story, but near the end my understanding and therefore enjoyment faltered.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: I read the comments that others made about this story before the contest ended. While they had some legitimate points, I think they overstated the problems it faces. For me, this was a well-written, well-executed piece, but it’s not my cup of tea. You’re obviously talented, and I look forward to more of your writing.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: Publish your short stories.
Tom’s Overall comments: I enjoyed the story and I hope you understand my concerns about the end.
2nd (tied). “Tagged” by McCloud [51/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [11.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: You did pretty well in adhering to the prompt. I have some issues with how you incorporated immortality into the ending, and I explain those issues with greater detail in the Tone section.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 2.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: They’re immortal as long as their wall of graffiti stays there. But, we don’t know for how long.
Crimson King’s Score: 1/5
Crimson King’s Comments: If it was there, I didn't see it. I gave you a point for the fact you hinted on two ideas at immortality - graffiti and thusly art and being famous. The idea wasn't defined enough and felt like an after thought.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: The immortality of their art self-admittedly lasts only until another punk comes by and tags over their perfection.
2) Tone [15.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: In general, the tone is natural and fits the story, but it gets stretched in a few areas, most notably the ending. I feel that a more subtle way of expressing David and Michael’s feelings about the wrong path their lives took would have matched the overall mood of the story better, as opposed to them blurting out “This is how we’ll be remembered”. Keep your audience in mind: we all know the prompt, so subtlety wouldn’t really hurt you.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It feels very on the edge, but sometimes in the wrong places.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The characters felt real and three-dimensional and the location of the piece felt realistic and authentic. I would have liked more in the imagery department, but you made up for that with the others.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I enjoyed the characters and the fluid feel of the story.
3) Style [12/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 3/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: There are a few areas where the writing gets a little cluttered, like the paragraph where you describe the main character’s wife. Cut some stuff from there, and it would be perfect. Also, I didn’t like that you didn’t really know who was talking at any given time until they had finished. Just one or two “David said”s can fix that. Finally, I think the story would benefit from a past tense point of view. It sounds like someone is telling the story as it happens, but from the third person. That always comes across as strange to me, as I think that present tense works best for first person narratives.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It feels like you were writing a play at sometimes, and an short story for English class at others. Though I wish it did, the mix doesn’t go together well for me.
Crimson King’s Score: 2/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I really advise reading some grammar books and rules. Commas were missing, word choice was poor at times, and clarity wasn't there. Also, at least two times you switch to Shakespearean language for no reason whatsoever. "Exeunt" and "Thus" are not common terms for people, especially vandals. "Thus, I'm here with you" sounds so artificial and fake.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: Some dialogue was out of place, but I would expect an educated yet hesitant-to-grow-up protagonist to validate his life as an experience worth watching – I approve of the drama jargon. Just next time, proofread for grammar errors, commas, etc.
4) Enjoyment [12.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 4/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I really enjoyed reading this, and there were some genuinely well done moments, such as the “Golf” note. I felt that the part about immortality was a little too blatantly stated, and I take off .5 for that. This was a fun read though.
SkylerOcon’s Score: 3/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It had plenty of potential, but dialogue feels forced and you abuse profanities. I did get a good laugh at the “Weren’t we supposed to grow out of the “I like to mess things up” phase at some point in college?” line though.
Crimson King’s Score: 1.5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I'm sorry, but I really didn't enjoy this piece. You have some good characters, with occasionally good dialogue, but the story goes nowhere. It feels like nothing of interest happens. I don't get at all why his wife left because they had a small fight. If there was past fights, you should show at least one.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: I liked reading this piece. I never stopped mid-story to think about something previous or irrelevant.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: This was a very well-written piece. There are a couple of weak areas, but they don’t hold back the piece much. I enjoyed it a lot.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: This could have been really good. But, you cursed to much and David and Michael’s immorality could be short lived based on the city clean up crew or other taggers.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: Maybe if I were into graffiti, I could enjoy this piece more. However, I am not so I feel this doesn't have much universal appeal. You have the ability to write, just your focus was all over the place.
Tom’s Overall comments: You don’t get overall comments because you didn’t give them to anyone else. How do you like them apples?
2nd (tied).“Into The Darkness” by Jam Stunna [51/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [6/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 0/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: No proof of anybody or anything becoming immortal, whether it be figurative or literal.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I can kind of see where you're going with this, but it needs more work in order to be a strong story about immortality, or lack thereof.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: I originally gave it a 5 in adherence, but I think I might have let it slid too much because I enjoyed this piece so much. He doesn't really gain immortality, he just comes to terms with his life in a great way. I loved it, regardless.
Tom’s Score: 0/5
Tom’s Comments: I’m sorry, but after two read-throughs I cannot understand what is becoming immortal in either a literal or figurative sense. The protagonist seems to regain an appreciation of life, but that sort of revelation is limited to your lifespan.
2) Tone [15.5/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: Good. It remained the same throughout
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Consistent tone. The narration gives me a sense of urgency and anxiety that should come with a fear of the dark. However, it also leaves me wanting for more than was in the story.
Crimson King’s Score: 4.5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: Wow. The imagery in this story was simply some of the best I have read in a long time from an (presumably) unpublished author. When the darkness is moving around, I really feel the sensations. Great stuff. My only problem was following the setting a bit. I think he was just in his house and neighborhood, but I may be completely off.
Tom’s Score: 4/5
Tom’s Comments: The tone of the story was exceptionally fitting to the sort of experience the protagonist was going through.
3) Style [14/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 4.5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It felt a lot like drabble, but I’m not sure that’s what you were going for. Nevertheless, it worked.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Your syntax was a little odd with this one, Jam. You used a lot of 3 noun structures (blank, blank, and blank) repeatedly. In the end it made it a bit difficult to plow through. Also, I know that 22 times for you to use the word darkness out of 2109 words isn't a lot, but reading it, it felt like it was a lot more. (Not being mean, but I thought this was related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ACO1g-SCDg ) Synonyms and perhaps a limited use of the word would help emphasize the power of darkness and the fear it inspires.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: Grammar and commas hurt you the most. I find a lot of oddly placed commas or absent commas, which for me, shakes me a bit. Also, I'd avoid the constant repetition like "alone in the darkness, in the eternal night" constructions like that kill the imagery. Sol Stein uses the formula "1+1 = 1/2" in that every time you use an image more than once, you reduce it's strength to 1/2. It would also help cut down on wordiness.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: The story was great, but my understanding of it was limited by the ambiguity what was actually happening. I also share in some of the other readers’ concerns over repetition.
4) Enjoyment [15.5/20]
SkylerOcon’s Score: 5/5
SkylerOcon’s Comments: It was very well written and it was an interesting read. I’m not sure if it’s a true story or not, but it was good either way.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: I don't think this was your strongest work, Jam. It's a bit repetitive and drawn out and the imagery isn't strong enough because it's repeated all too often. However, I think with some more editing this would be a really good story.
Crimson King’s Score: 5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was a fun piece to read. I am a horror writer, viewer, and enthusiast and you tapped into it without effort.
Tom’s Score: 3.5/5
Tom’s Comments: Although it took me a while to realize what was going on, which isn’t a killer but it’s not exactly great for your reader either – the problem was that after a second read-through, the ambiguity didn’t dissolve. Despite the understanding problem, I really enjoyed reading this even though I couldn’t really connect it to the prompt.
SkylerOcon’s Overall comments: Very good. Just follow the prompt next time.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: This is a great piece that I enjoyed thoroughly. A good clean revision or two will make this story so much better. I loved it.
Tom’s Overall comments: Good stuff. Follow the prompt next time, huh?
4th. “Tournament” by SkylerOcon [45.5/80]
1) Adherence to Prompt [20/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 5/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: It’s very clear and spelled out. You’re the only entrant who actually used the prompt literally.
McCloud’s Score: 5/5
McCloud’s Comments: I can't really knock off points here. The story is about immortality.
Crimson King’s Score: 5/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was the only piece in WWYP that explicitly hit the prompt dead-on and explored the dangers of it.
Tom’s Score: 5/5
Tom’s Comments: Literal immortality.
2) Tone [9/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 2/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I felt like I was reading an anime novelization in some areas, especially when your main character was explaining what he was going to do or what he was facing in his dialog. It’s been said a thousand times, but I’ll say it again: Show, don’t tell.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: Consistent tone throughout the piece, which is nice. There should be much stronger emotional overtones, especially for a man who has just died on his wedding day.
Crimson King’s Score: 3/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The characters were pretty much hit or miss. Percy felt human and organic; Brian felt like a machine. In fact, Alicia, who takes over as main character for no reason whatsoever, felt deeper than Brian did. The imagery of the locale was pretty good so I'll give you points there.
Tom’s Score: 2/5
Tom’s Comments: “Show, don’t tell” applies to too many moments in your story. I would have liked to see more characterization in the protagonist’s newfound yet short-lived companions.
3) Style [7/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 1/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: There was an extreme tendency for you to over-explain things. That really dragged this story down. There are tons of examples of it, and you should definitely watch out for that in the future. Also, some of the writing came across as just plain odd, like when Brian guesses that the woman he’s fighting is a 5th degree black belt, then he actually faces a 5th degree black belt, and makes a verbal note of the situation. Things like that seem small, but they add up to detract a lot from the story.
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: A bit of cliche structures here and there really hurt this story for me. I didn't imagine anything new when I read it. We honestly get no real emotional depth or insight into the characters throughout most of the story. The emotion is the same: fight and get out, up until close to the very end.
Crimson King’s Score: 3/5
Crimson King’s Comments: The writing is clean, but there are some issues. Please don't point out Irony. I counted at least two times of this. It's better to say something ironic, and let us figure it out. Comma issues were pretty bad on some parts, but overall it was fine. Dialogue felt so mechanical, and if you'd like me to go more in-depth with it, I can do that, just PM me.
Tom’s Score: 1/5
Tom’s Comments: There were a large number of misplaced modifiers, or expressions that should have applied to one character/place but instead applied to a different due to sentence structure. A large portion of explanation in the story would have been better realized through description and action than in dialogue or commentary. The dialogue did not seem realistic, even at the level of a man fighting for his life in this sort of fashion.
4) Enjoyment [9.5/20]
Jam Stunna’s Score: 1/5
Jam Stunna’s Comments: I’m sorry, but as I was reading this, I kept thinking to myself, “When will this end?”
McCloud’s Score: 2/5
McCloud’s Comments: It's not a bad story, but certain things hinder it. Namely the lack of characterization of the characters. You had a nice opportunity to dive right into the background of the characters but chose instead to summarize with a sentence or two and go into another fight scene.
Crimson King’s Score: 4/5
Crimson King’s Comments: This was a cool piece to read because of how the character went from death to combat pretty quickly. Some transitions were too fast and some too slow, but that'll come with time.
Tom’s Score: 2.5/5
Tom’s Comments: I appreciate the literal interpretation of the prompt and your story in general, but finding mistakes as I read does not help me enjoy the story. An original personification of Death and more character personality would have enhanced this score greatly.
Jam Stunna’s Overall comments: You had a very interesting premise, and I was somewhat partial to it because of a certain game I’ve been playing lately. But, the writing style and tone were just so poorly done that it destroyed any sense of enjoyment I could derive from the story. All that aside, what you’re doing is basically making a lot of new writer mistakes, and that’s perfectly fine. Keep writing, and most importantly, keep reading, and you’ll definitely see improvements.
Crimson King’s Overall comments: I liked this piece a lot, but grammar and some other logical issues hindered it from getting top place. Rewrite this piece in chapter format next time. You may have a novel.
Tom’s Overall comments: I agree with Crimson King’s comments to a certain degree. I believe that this sort of story would be better extended into a longer format, like the novel, but if you were to pursue that you would need to greatly develop your characters and work on the dialogue.
