Do you know why the BRoom continues to taunt Hylian? Because we fear him. I submit to you: the truth about Hylian.
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Yesterday, I was walking down the street one day, when I heard the fire siren go off. Soon, there were police cars and firetrucks blazing by me, headed towards the old well. Little Timmy was climbing a tree, when a freak bolt of lightning out of the clear blue sky struck, setting the tree ablaze and knocking poor little Timmy into the well, plunging him 200 feet below the surface.
I watched as the first responders raced to the scene, but I did a double-take when I looked at the front of the column of emergency vehicles. There it was, a blur of purple text and immaculate Smash opinion, leading the rescue charge.
"It's Hylian!" I declared excitedly. I'd never seen him before, but I knew it in my heart. There was only one man who would put aside the Smash, the girls and the DDR to help his fellow man.
"Sorry I'm late guys, I was at the Children's Hospital curing cancer with the power of my ear wax," he said, his smile glistening in the afternoon light and blinding the firefighters with joy. "What seems to be the problem here?"
"Hylian, thank God you're here! Timmy fell in the well, but the city council cut our budget! We had to cut three rungs off the ladder to save money, and now we only have a 195 foot ladder! What shall we do?"
Hylian's brow scrunched in thought. By now, I had caught up with the rest of them. From where I was standing, the tree burned directly behind Hylian, encasing him in an aura of golden light and flame. It was as if the angels of the Old Testament had come down to save Timmy. He's beautiful, I thought, immediately questioning my sexuality, but deciding it was okay to think Hylian was beautiful, because he was.
Suddenly Hylian's face brightened. An idea had formed. "You may want to stand back," he said. He turned towards the city, and opened his mouth to yell. But no sound came out. The firefighters and cops looked at each other, puzzled. Hylian flashed his award-winning smile again. "Like I said, you may want to step back."
It started as a low rumble. Then the earth began to shake, a thunderous roar rolling towards us. I fought to steady myself, and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw the cause of the commotion.
Kittens. Hundreds of them. An army of kittens marched in lockstep towards us. They jumped to the mouth of the well and grabbed each other, paw in paw, extending further and further into the dark abyss. They were forming a kitten ladder! It was the greatest thing I had ever seen in my life, but even that feat couldn't prepare me for what was to come.
"Timmy!" An incredibly hot woman in a revealing dress screamed, running over to grab the boy as he finally emerged from the well on the backs of the kittens. She hugged the boy, then bounced over to Hylian, burying his face in her ample bosom. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said, finally releasing him and twirling her hair. "If there's anything I can ever do for you..."
"Perhaps ma'am," Hylian said, "But my job is not done here yet. I still have a fire to put out."
"We don't give a ****, let the mother burn!" one of the firefighters yelled.
"No! This is not the roof on fire, sir. Mother Nature must be protected." he snapped. What a hero, I thought. Hylian reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a perfectly folded DDR pad. I counted the folds as he unfurled it. 8! He'd broken the 7-fold limit! He lay it down in the street, taking his place in center pad. "Music, please."
I was glad I'd decided to bring my boom box with me that day. I nervously flipped the tape over to side B, hitting the fast-forward button. The winding of the tape seemed like an eternity, until I finally heard the telltale click. I flipped the tape again, and pressed the play button. Soon, the sounds of Joe Esposito and The Karate Kid soundtrack blasted forth.
Hylian began to sway with the beat, and soon, his legs began moving. Forward, back, left, left, forward, right. We all watched in awe as he picked up speed, moving faster and faster. He danced, he danced like a maniac. The Asians began to gather around, searching for some mistake, some looseness in his form to criticize, but there was none. He was perfect. He truly was the best around.
His legs were a blur now, creating a tornado of coolness and flair. The tornado spun and hopped across the earth in tune with the music, dancing around the flaming tree as if it were it's silent partner. The tornado overtook the tree, spinning and gyrating as Hylian broke it down even further. The flames whipped in the wind, battling vainly against the superior style. They winked out, one by one, until all that remained was the charred remains of the tree. The crowd erupted in applause, and even the Asians grudgingly acknowledged his skill.
"I must go no to others in need. Peace be with you, and ban Metaknight," he said. Before he left, he passed by me and smiled. "Thanks for you help." I reached out to shake his extended hand, and the power overwhelmed me. I blacked out.
I never saw him again, but I read in the newspaper the next day that after he'd finished with us, he'd called an emergency meeting of the town council, and balanced the budget by turning the donuts there into gold. The firefighters were going to get a new 200-foot ladder. But I knew that if we ever needed one that was 205-feet tall, he would return.
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Yesterday, I was walking down the street one day, when I heard the fire siren go off. Soon, there were police cars and firetrucks blazing by me, headed towards the old well. Little Timmy was climbing a tree, when a freak bolt of lightning out of the clear blue sky struck, setting the tree ablaze and knocking poor little Timmy into the well, plunging him 200 feet below the surface.
I watched as the first responders raced to the scene, but I did a double-take when I looked at the front of the column of emergency vehicles. There it was, a blur of purple text and immaculate Smash opinion, leading the rescue charge.
"It's Hylian!" I declared excitedly. I'd never seen him before, but I knew it in my heart. There was only one man who would put aside the Smash, the girls and the DDR to help his fellow man.
"Sorry I'm late guys, I was at the Children's Hospital curing cancer with the power of my ear wax," he said, his smile glistening in the afternoon light and blinding the firefighters with joy. "What seems to be the problem here?"
"Hylian, thank God you're here! Timmy fell in the well, but the city council cut our budget! We had to cut three rungs off the ladder to save money, and now we only have a 195 foot ladder! What shall we do?"
Hylian's brow scrunched in thought. By now, I had caught up with the rest of them. From where I was standing, the tree burned directly behind Hylian, encasing him in an aura of golden light and flame. It was as if the angels of the Old Testament had come down to save Timmy. He's beautiful, I thought, immediately questioning my sexuality, but deciding it was okay to think Hylian was beautiful, because he was.
Suddenly Hylian's face brightened. An idea had formed. "You may want to stand back," he said. He turned towards the city, and opened his mouth to yell. But no sound came out. The firefighters and cops looked at each other, puzzled. Hylian flashed his award-winning smile again. "Like I said, you may want to step back."
It started as a low rumble. Then the earth began to shake, a thunderous roar rolling towards us. I fought to steady myself, and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw the cause of the commotion.
Kittens. Hundreds of them. An army of kittens marched in lockstep towards us. They jumped to the mouth of the well and grabbed each other, paw in paw, extending further and further into the dark abyss. They were forming a kitten ladder! It was the greatest thing I had ever seen in my life, but even that feat couldn't prepare me for what was to come.
"Timmy!" An incredibly hot woman in a revealing dress screamed, running over to grab the boy as he finally emerged from the well on the backs of the kittens. She hugged the boy, then bounced over to Hylian, burying his face in her ample bosom. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said, finally releasing him and twirling her hair. "If there's anything I can ever do for you..."
"Perhaps ma'am," Hylian said, "But my job is not done here yet. I still have a fire to put out."
"We don't give a ****, let the mother burn!" one of the firefighters yelled.
"No! This is not the roof on fire, sir. Mother Nature must be protected." he snapped. What a hero, I thought. Hylian reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a perfectly folded DDR pad. I counted the folds as he unfurled it. 8! He'd broken the 7-fold limit! He lay it down in the street, taking his place in center pad. "Music, please."
I was glad I'd decided to bring my boom box with me that day. I nervously flipped the tape over to side B, hitting the fast-forward button. The winding of the tape seemed like an eternity, until I finally heard the telltale click. I flipped the tape again, and pressed the play button. Soon, the sounds of Joe Esposito and The Karate Kid soundtrack blasted forth.
Hylian began to sway with the beat, and soon, his legs began moving. Forward, back, left, left, forward, right. We all watched in awe as he picked up speed, moving faster and faster. He danced, he danced like a maniac. The Asians began to gather around, searching for some mistake, some looseness in his form to criticize, but there was none. He was perfect. He truly was the best around.
His legs were a blur now, creating a tornado of coolness and flair. The tornado spun and hopped across the earth in tune with the music, dancing around the flaming tree as if it were it's silent partner. The tornado overtook the tree, spinning and gyrating as Hylian broke it down even further. The flames whipped in the wind, battling vainly against the superior style. They winked out, one by one, until all that remained was the charred remains of the tree. The crowd erupted in applause, and even the Asians grudgingly acknowledged his skill.
"I must go no to others in need. Peace be with you, and ban Metaknight," he said. Before he left, he passed by me and smiled. "Thanks for you help." I reached out to shake his extended hand, and the power overwhelmed me. I blacked out.
I never saw him again, but I read in the newspaper the next day that after he'd finished with us, he'd called an emergency meeting of the town council, and balanced the budget by turning the donuts there into gold. The firefighters were going to get a new 200-foot ladder. But I knew that if we ever needed one that was 205-feet tall, he would return.
