Ryusuta
Smash Master
Link to original post: [drupal=3072]MtF - The Transition Story (Part 3: Relationsships and revelations) *LONG YET AGAIN*[/drupal]
I actually had to psyche myself up a bit before I began writing this specific blog entry. It's especially hard for me to get my mind in the game on this specific topic, because there's still a lot of hurt feelings and possibly a little bitterness, as well. For me, possibly, and definitely for others like me. As such, it's very challenging to get myself out of an emo mindset and able to talk about the issue more objectively.
As I talked about in the previous part of this story, transsexuals do have a lot of challenges to overcome in their transition. They chemically alter their bodies, have individual hairs electrocuted, burned, and plucked, and of course, they have to go under the knife, which is always a potential hazard.
However, I would have to say that without a doubt, the most difficult thing a trans person needs to go through is telling their friends, family, and coworkers about who they are and what they're doing.
As I mentioned in the previous part to this story, the only thing predictable about these revelations is their unpredictability. There really is simply no telling how each individual person will react. And this makes a lot of sense, really.
I think one idea that trans people need to get used to right away is the fact that, although they likely knew about themselves for most of their lives, these revelations are the first true knowledge other people are going to have about their situation. Brand new information. This can't be taken lightly, because it can be too much of a shock to take all of the pertinent information all at once for some people (especially loved ones), and it could lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings on both sides.
The interesting thing I've noticed about revelations is that often the less a person knows you as a person, the easier it is for them to accept. This might seem pretty obvious looking at it dead-on like this, but it's very much worth mentioning. The reason I bring this up is because often you can't count on the deep-seated roots of a relationship holding things together when the news is finally learned. From the trans' perspective, they sort of think and hope that their bonds are just too strong to be so easily removed. But if this sort of thing isn't handled carefully, someone could very well get the impression that everything about their past was a total lie. This is ESPECIALLY true of people with whom the person is romantically involved.
However, even this isn't a hard-and-fast rule. And in the end, it will ALWAYS come down to each individual case.
For me, my close friends were, in general, the easiest people for me to talk to about this. All of them were really understanding and supportive.
I didn't really have any romantic entanglements, so that was "good" news.
My family members took the information badly, for the most part. When I told them of my decision, it was back during my stay in Virginia in the early part of 2009. I told them via email, because in my family, it's the only way you can express a complete series of thoughts without interruption and be heard.
One interesting thing about my family's reaction is that - likely since I'm the youngest of my parents' three children - each individual member had their own bizarre theory about why I'm the way I am. My dad thought it was because he used to be gay before he met my mom, my sister thought it was because she dressed me in makeup when I was a baby, and my brother thinks it was because he was never around to hang out with me. My mom thought maybe it was a prenatal thing. I think that hardest thing for me right now... something I'm STILL working on, in fact, is trying to explain to them that this was nobody's fault. Even if in some extremely subtle, Freudian way they managed some effect on me, it couldn't possibly be quantified, predicted, or examined now.
My older brother has been the most understanding of my situation. He's an "out" homosexual, and has been since his mid-teens or so. That, combined with his feelings that he abandoned me when I was a little kid made him feel as though he needs to stick up for me now. I do think he still has these ideas that I'm just a gay person as well, but addressing that particular part isn't a high priority for me. The point is that he has stood by my right to make this decision.
My dad had a very simple rule for me: "Not in this house." He has been pretty much willing to ignore what I'm doing, just so long as I never make any reference to it when I'm under his roof. As of this point, I have obeyed this command. Since I don't live with them and rarely see them anymore, it's fairly easy. I think that under his extreme conservatism, it seems like he's starting to begin to become less harsh on the subject, however, so I might end up talking to him about it again.
My sister... well, I already went over that part. No need to reopen that particular can of worms.
My mother... it's been hard for her, I think. She's an older woman from the cornfields of Nebraska, very much from the time where LGBT was NOT a subject for open conversation or practice. She once told me a story from one of the first jobs she'd ever worked, where one of her coworkers made the announcement to everyone that he was gay. My mom wondered out loud, "Why is he making it such a big deal to tell people he's happy?" It... had to be explained to her.
With my mom, it feels like I'm always taking two steps forward, then two steps back. We would go through a period where we would sporadically discuss the matter. She has expressed interest in attending groups for parents of gay children (this is more of a general group, as there's not one specifically for parents of ******** here). She's even read a book (or SAID she's read it) that my therapist recommended to her called "True Selves," which is a very concise written work on transgenderism.
Then she would just as quickly say she could never possibly accept me as female, and that she thought my therapist was "putting ideas into my head," and even went as far as to call me a freak at one point. With her, and my dad, I've reached a shaky, and certainly temporary truce, where I simply don't talk about it when I'm near them, and I dress in guy drag, as well. They, in turn... well... they make no concessions. They still make it a point to call me "son" and address me with male pronouns, and they essentially act like nothing I've told them had ever taken place. I don't know what will change all of this, nor do I know if the change will be for the better or the worse, but I know this can't possibly last forever.
I only have a few really close friends. Out of all of them, my closest friend was one of the last people I told.
You remember how I said that in most cases, the longer you've known a person, the harder the revelation is to accept for them? My friend (I'll give him the pseudonym "Ned" for the purposes of this blog) was the biggest exception in my case. I have known Ned for literally all my life. Our parents had been friends before our moms were pregnant with us, and he was born 6 months before I was. It's not a stretch that I consider him to this day to be an adopted brother.
But unlike my biological family, Ned was very understanding and sympathetic of what I've been going through. He has never once acted ashamed or uncomfortable to be around me, even when I was first starting out.
Even better, Ned has a wife and three kids; all of which have also been very supportive of my decision. If anything, my revelation and subsequent visits have actually made me and Ariel (pseudonym for his wife) really good friends. The kids (3, 8, and 10, if I'm not mistaken), all pretty much get the picture, too. The 3-year-old calls me both Kat and Adam on occasion, which is only to be expected, hehe.
I think it might have been a bit strange for the older kids at first, but before long... actually, in the same visit, they were chatting it up with me, the same as always; and acting as rambunctious as usual. Kids are... well... adaptable that way.
So, those are pretty much my personal experiences with the matter. From those experiences, here are some of the things I know about the actual moment of revelation.
First, I think the best approach is to just spill it. Don't hem and haw, or look for the exact right words, because first, it will make them more anxious of the news before you get to it, and second, it will be taken as a sign that you're still unsure of your decision. Which you could very well be, but that knowledge won't be helpful to them in any way. Just get to the point, simply and plainly. If they understand it, they understand it, and if not, they won't.
Of equal importance, I would say that it's important not to make a big deal about the subject. This might sound odd coming from someone that's writing these massive texts on the subject, but the point is... don't go acting like you deserve any special attention just because you're a trans. You make your point, you tell them, you move on. Don't dwell on it any longer than the people listening are willing to. Yes, this is your chance to show yourself to be a unique snowflake, blah, blah, blah... but there's a certain point some people reach when they're just rubbing people's noses in it.
Make it a statement of fact. You are this. It's not a big deal. It might BE a big deal to you, but it's not. You are just you, and you're letting yourself do that, same as any other person.
For romantic relationships... man... I don't think there's any possible way to make it easier. I really don't. Because the worst part about this is that no matter what happens at the point of your revelation, it will automatically become an issue of sexuality. Both for you and the loved one. Because not only are they going to reexamine you as a person and wonder if your love was genuine, but even worse, they'll begin to question themselves. "If I love her, does that mean I love a woman, or a man? She's not going to have the same body parts, and standard conception is right out." It's... not easy.
To get off on a little tangent here (and I mean that in a relative sense, since NONE of my tangents are little), this is one of the reasons I find sexuality to be just a little bit arbitrary. Although you can have certain sexual tastes and desires it seems kind of silly to think "I will NOT be attracted to this half of the population, because I'm straight (or gay)." Maybe I'm missing something here, but consider that there are so many different variations to people even within the same sex, I think it makes a hell of a lot more sense to just take it on an individual basis, and see if you fall in love with a certain person, regardless of perceived sexuality. Okay, enough with that editorial.
I would say even more than immediate family, romantic relationships are definitely the worst possible cases for revelation. And if you're married, that's just another log to throw into the fire. Even WORSE, because of most states' perception on sexuality and gender, even if your relationship with your spouse managed to withstand this revelation, they would require you to divorce them before getting SRS and changing your gender marker.
If there are children in the marriage, there are actually a couple of different schools of thought regarding children. Some people insist that you wait to tell your kids until they get past the ages of 12-16 or even 12-18. This is because there's a fear that this could have an impact on their perceived sexuality and gender for themselves. Personally, I think this stance is pretty idiotic. If we could simply gauge what will influence sexuality or gender identity, we'd have a much easier time with it.
Even more so, I think tell a child young is the BEST thing to do. It's well-documented that childrens' minds are on average a LOT more adaptable and capable to coming to terms with new ideas and perspectives. Making the subject taboo will do nothing but force ignorance on them, which is a TERRIBLE idea. Even worse, if a parent waits four or five years to tell their kid about themselves, what is the child going to think about their relationship, that they were willing to hide this from them for so long. I think children are NEVER given enough credit for what they're capable of knowing or understanding. But as I said, every relationship is different...
...And come to think of it, that "full-circle" remark seems like a good point to end part 3. My back is hurting again, but I got Trine for 5 bucks on Steam, so it's time to see how it runs on my laptop. I look forward to hearing from you all, and I'll catch you guys next time!
I actually had to psyche myself up a bit before I began writing this specific blog entry. It's especially hard for me to get my mind in the game on this specific topic, because there's still a lot of hurt feelings and possibly a little bitterness, as well. For me, possibly, and definitely for others like me. As such, it's very challenging to get myself out of an emo mindset and able to talk about the issue more objectively.
As I talked about in the previous part of this story, transsexuals do have a lot of challenges to overcome in their transition. They chemically alter their bodies, have individual hairs electrocuted, burned, and plucked, and of course, they have to go under the knife, which is always a potential hazard.
However, I would have to say that without a doubt, the most difficult thing a trans person needs to go through is telling their friends, family, and coworkers about who they are and what they're doing.
As I mentioned in the previous part to this story, the only thing predictable about these revelations is their unpredictability. There really is simply no telling how each individual person will react. And this makes a lot of sense, really.
I think one idea that trans people need to get used to right away is the fact that, although they likely knew about themselves for most of their lives, these revelations are the first true knowledge other people are going to have about their situation. Brand new information. This can't be taken lightly, because it can be too much of a shock to take all of the pertinent information all at once for some people (especially loved ones), and it could lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings on both sides.
The interesting thing I've noticed about revelations is that often the less a person knows you as a person, the easier it is for them to accept. This might seem pretty obvious looking at it dead-on like this, but it's very much worth mentioning. The reason I bring this up is because often you can't count on the deep-seated roots of a relationship holding things together when the news is finally learned. From the trans' perspective, they sort of think and hope that their bonds are just too strong to be so easily removed. But if this sort of thing isn't handled carefully, someone could very well get the impression that everything about their past was a total lie. This is ESPECIALLY true of people with whom the person is romantically involved.
However, even this isn't a hard-and-fast rule. And in the end, it will ALWAYS come down to each individual case.
For me, my close friends were, in general, the easiest people for me to talk to about this. All of them were really understanding and supportive.
I didn't really have any romantic entanglements, so that was "good" news.
My family members took the information badly, for the most part. When I told them of my decision, it was back during my stay in Virginia in the early part of 2009. I told them via email, because in my family, it's the only way you can express a complete series of thoughts without interruption and be heard.
One interesting thing about my family's reaction is that - likely since I'm the youngest of my parents' three children - each individual member had their own bizarre theory about why I'm the way I am. My dad thought it was because he used to be gay before he met my mom, my sister thought it was because she dressed me in makeup when I was a baby, and my brother thinks it was because he was never around to hang out with me. My mom thought maybe it was a prenatal thing. I think that hardest thing for me right now... something I'm STILL working on, in fact, is trying to explain to them that this was nobody's fault. Even if in some extremely subtle, Freudian way they managed some effect on me, it couldn't possibly be quantified, predicted, or examined now.
My older brother has been the most understanding of my situation. He's an "out" homosexual, and has been since his mid-teens or so. That, combined with his feelings that he abandoned me when I was a little kid made him feel as though he needs to stick up for me now. I do think he still has these ideas that I'm just a gay person as well, but addressing that particular part isn't a high priority for me. The point is that he has stood by my right to make this decision.
My dad had a very simple rule for me: "Not in this house." He has been pretty much willing to ignore what I'm doing, just so long as I never make any reference to it when I'm under his roof. As of this point, I have obeyed this command. Since I don't live with them and rarely see them anymore, it's fairly easy. I think that under his extreme conservatism, it seems like he's starting to begin to become less harsh on the subject, however, so I might end up talking to him about it again.
My sister... well, I already went over that part. No need to reopen that particular can of worms.
My mother... it's been hard for her, I think. She's an older woman from the cornfields of Nebraska, very much from the time where LGBT was NOT a subject for open conversation or practice. She once told me a story from one of the first jobs she'd ever worked, where one of her coworkers made the announcement to everyone that he was gay. My mom wondered out loud, "Why is he making it such a big deal to tell people he's happy?" It... had to be explained to her.
With my mom, it feels like I'm always taking two steps forward, then two steps back. We would go through a period where we would sporadically discuss the matter. She has expressed interest in attending groups for parents of gay children (this is more of a general group, as there's not one specifically for parents of ******** here). She's even read a book (or SAID she's read it) that my therapist recommended to her called "True Selves," which is a very concise written work on transgenderism.
Then she would just as quickly say she could never possibly accept me as female, and that she thought my therapist was "putting ideas into my head," and even went as far as to call me a freak at one point. With her, and my dad, I've reached a shaky, and certainly temporary truce, where I simply don't talk about it when I'm near them, and I dress in guy drag, as well. They, in turn... well... they make no concessions. They still make it a point to call me "son" and address me with male pronouns, and they essentially act like nothing I've told them had ever taken place. I don't know what will change all of this, nor do I know if the change will be for the better or the worse, but I know this can't possibly last forever.
I only have a few really close friends. Out of all of them, my closest friend was one of the last people I told.
You remember how I said that in most cases, the longer you've known a person, the harder the revelation is to accept for them? My friend (I'll give him the pseudonym "Ned" for the purposes of this blog) was the biggest exception in my case. I have known Ned for literally all my life. Our parents had been friends before our moms were pregnant with us, and he was born 6 months before I was. It's not a stretch that I consider him to this day to be an adopted brother.
But unlike my biological family, Ned was very understanding and sympathetic of what I've been going through. He has never once acted ashamed or uncomfortable to be around me, even when I was first starting out.
Even better, Ned has a wife and three kids; all of which have also been very supportive of my decision. If anything, my revelation and subsequent visits have actually made me and Ariel (pseudonym for his wife) really good friends. The kids (3, 8, and 10, if I'm not mistaken), all pretty much get the picture, too. The 3-year-old calls me both Kat and Adam on occasion, which is only to be expected, hehe.
I think it might have been a bit strange for the older kids at first, but before long... actually, in the same visit, they were chatting it up with me, the same as always; and acting as rambunctious as usual. Kids are... well... adaptable that way.
So, those are pretty much my personal experiences with the matter. From those experiences, here are some of the things I know about the actual moment of revelation.
First, I think the best approach is to just spill it. Don't hem and haw, or look for the exact right words, because first, it will make them more anxious of the news before you get to it, and second, it will be taken as a sign that you're still unsure of your decision. Which you could very well be, but that knowledge won't be helpful to them in any way. Just get to the point, simply and plainly. If they understand it, they understand it, and if not, they won't.
Of equal importance, I would say that it's important not to make a big deal about the subject. This might sound odd coming from someone that's writing these massive texts on the subject, but the point is... don't go acting like you deserve any special attention just because you're a trans. You make your point, you tell them, you move on. Don't dwell on it any longer than the people listening are willing to. Yes, this is your chance to show yourself to be a unique snowflake, blah, blah, blah... but there's a certain point some people reach when they're just rubbing people's noses in it.
Make it a statement of fact. You are this. It's not a big deal. It might BE a big deal to you, but it's not. You are just you, and you're letting yourself do that, same as any other person.
For romantic relationships... man... I don't think there's any possible way to make it easier. I really don't. Because the worst part about this is that no matter what happens at the point of your revelation, it will automatically become an issue of sexuality. Both for you and the loved one. Because not only are they going to reexamine you as a person and wonder if your love was genuine, but even worse, they'll begin to question themselves. "If I love her, does that mean I love a woman, or a man? She's not going to have the same body parts, and standard conception is right out." It's... not easy.
To get off on a little tangent here (and I mean that in a relative sense, since NONE of my tangents are little), this is one of the reasons I find sexuality to be just a little bit arbitrary. Although you can have certain sexual tastes and desires it seems kind of silly to think "I will NOT be attracted to this half of the population, because I'm straight (or gay)." Maybe I'm missing something here, but consider that there are so many different variations to people even within the same sex, I think it makes a hell of a lot more sense to just take it on an individual basis, and see if you fall in love with a certain person, regardless of perceived sexuality. Okay, enough with that editorial.
I would say even more than immediate family, romantic relationships are definitely the worst possible cases for revelation. And if you're married, that's just another log to throw into the fire. Even WORSE, because of most states' perception on sexuality and gender, even if your relationship with your spouse managed to withstand this revelation, they would require you to divorce them before getting SRS and changing your gender marker.
If there are children in the marriage, there are actually a couple of different schools of thought regarding children. Some people insist that you wait to tell your kids until they get past the ages of 12-16 or even 12-18. This is because there's a fear that this could have an impact on their perceived sexuality and gender for themselves. Personally, I think this stance is pretty idiotic. If we could simply gauge what will influence sexuality or gender identity, we'd have a much easier time with it.
Even more so, I think tell a child young is the BEST thing to do. It's well-documented that childrens' minds are on average a LOT more adaptable and capable to coming to terms with new ideas and perspectives. Making the subject taboo will do nothing but force ignorance on them, which is a TERRIBLE idea. Even worse, if a parent waits four or five years to tell their kid about themselves, what is the child going to think about their relationship, that they were willing to hide this from them for so long. I think children are NEVER given enough credit for what they're capable of knowing or understanding. But as I said, every relationship is different...
...And come to think of it, that "full-circle" remark seems like a good point to end part 3. My back is hurting again, but I got Trine for 5 bucks on Steam, so it's time to see how it runs on my laptop. I look forward to hearing from you all, and I'll catch you guys next time!
