MtF - The Transition Story (Part 4: Full-time and loving life.)

REPOSTED:

Hi again, everybody! It's been a little while, but I'm back.

The last part of my blog was a bit of a downer, so I wanted to talk about things as they are now, which is a much happier subject for me.

Not all has been perfectly well. I'm still looking for a job, I'm worried about an upcoming court case over a dumb ticket I got back in January (see part 1), and I worry about trying to keep my figure trim. My belly has become noticeably softer, and although that's entirely because of the estrogen rather than anything I'm doing wrong, it still worries me.

So... the big announcement for this blog is that I'm pretty much full-time now. For those of you that read part 2, full-time is the position in which you never revert back into guy mode for anything. The only two exceptions are A: visiting my parents, and B: this upcoming court deally. I've been full-time for a couple of weeks so far, and it's been some of the most wonderful time in my life.

I also think I've gotten better at taking constructive criticisms from people I know on my looks, while not just immediately deciding I look absolutely hideous. Because it's only been fairly recently that I realized that I'm NOT hideous. I'm... well... somehow, I become kind of cute. (O_O)

I'll tell you an interesting story... the story that lent itself to my decision to start becoming full-time. I was helping my friends move, because they had gotten evicted from their apartment. I decided that I'd go in girl mode, because I'd been doing that more often lately and couldn't think of a reason not to.

Well, because I was the only one of the three of us that had a license AND insurance, I went ahead and agreed to check out the moving truck for them (don't worry, it didn't cost me anything). However, when I was on my way to pick Ariel up, I realized that I'd have to show them my license, which still has my "guy" photo because I haven't yet updated it.

Well, I've gotten used to explaining my "situation" to people (see part 3), so I just kind of shrugged it off. When I got to the storage place to pick up the moving van, though, something very amusing happened. I handed the guy my license after talking to him and the lady at the counter for a bit. As I handed him my license, I immediately said "Yes, that IS me in that picture" before he even got a chance to look at it and ask.

When he DID look at it, his eyes went extremely wide. He looked at the picture, looked at me, looked back at the picture, looked at me again. He did a full TRIPLE-take before he finally reacted. He was very cool and understanding about it, saying that he could hardly believe that picture could possibly be me. In short, an awesome thing.

What happened to me a couple of days later, though, when the three of us were wandering around a Target, had an even BIGGER impact on my decision. The store was getting close to closing time, and I had wandered off from Ned and Ariel to go look at something. Well, I decided that I should go find them again so that we could leave.

I looked around the store, and as I did so, I saw a pretty cute girl standing off to my side. I turned in her direction, and what do you suppose I saw?

It was me... looking back at myself from a reflection on a tall body mirror.

I can't describe to you just how surreal that moment was. As I think would be the case with anyone, I had gotten used to picturing myself a certain way. Seeing for the first time at a glance and then really looking on at how things have changed for me since I've been on hormone replacement and working on transitioning has been absolutely staggering. I knew that people said it would be the case going in, but I swear I didn't notice any of the differences as they were happening.

But suffice it to say that that's when I started to arrive at the conclusion that I was getting finished with boy mode. What finally sealed it in my mind was when I went back temporarily that Sunday. Previously, I would swap back and forth between boy and girl modes, and would traditionally be in "boy" mode the day before my electrolysis (since, as mentioned in part 2, facial hair needs to be grown out a bit for that). But I realized throughout that entire day that I was miserable being in boy mode. I didn't want to get out of bed and I definitely didn't want to leave the house.

That was when, for better or worse, I made my decision. If I seem a tiny bit off to some people once in awhile... ah, well. Them's the breaks. But so far, it's been nothing short of wonderful, and no one seems to have noticed anything strange about me.

Anyway... before recently, I was extremely self-conscious about my pictures, and took criticism too harshly. I'm going to change that now. Included in this blog entry are a couple of shots of my "old" self, before I started transitioning, how I look now, and a small video of me so you get the full idea. Feel free to comment on them in any way you like. Love 'em, great. Hate 'em, that's cool, too. It's a free-for-all, so don't be shy. And so, without further ado...

MY OLD BOY PICTURES:




HOW I LOOK NOW:




A YOUTUBE VID:
(Note: This is just some random shout-outs to a message board I go to that I did because I was bored. ^^; )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdR98RnAdmE

So, that's about it. Catch you guys next time!

I'll read it if you put it back up. The other three entries were really well written.

I did in fact read it I just didn't have the time to post in at the time. And well out of sight out of mind.

Sorry also I'd like to say the you in the old pictures and the you in the new ones look nothing alike. I would have never thought that you were at one time the one in the old picture.

You kinda look like my aunt when she was that age. Those are nice pictures ^^

Good luck on the rest of your way.

I read this and really liked it, as well as all of the other parts. I just have a habit of not commenting on anything if I don't feel like I have anything particularly substantial to add to the discussion.

I am glad that this is working out so well for you!

Fly_Amanita said:

I read this and really liked it, as well as all of the other parts. I just have a habit of not commenting on anything if I don't feel like I have anything particularly substantial to add to the discussion.

I am glad that this is working out so well for you!

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I'm on the same page as this guy.

I enjoyed reading your transition blogs, very well written, insightful and informative.

Similar to the above posters, I had nothing to add and didn't really want to just post 'good luck' etc.

Fly_Amanita said:

I read this and really liked it, as well as all of the other parts. I just have a habit of not commenting on anything if I don't feel like I have anything particularly substantial to add to the discussion.

I am glad that this is working out so well for you!

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same story here.

I'm going to sort-of do the quote-comment-quote thing for commentary, since that's my favorite style of replying to blogs.

"Hi again, everybody! It's been a little while, but I'm back."

Welcome back!

"The last part of my blog was a bit of a downer, so I wanted to talk about things as they are now, which is a much happier subject for me."

It's important to state the good and the bad to get the full picture of a transitional life process.

"Not all has been perfectly well. I'm still looking for a job, I'm worried about an upcoming court case over a dumb ticket I got back in January (see part 1), and I worry about trying to keep my figure trim. My belly has become noticeably softer, and although that's entirely because of the estrogen rather than anything I'm doing wrong, it still worries me."

Oh aren't we all looking for (or clinging desperately onto) jobs in this god-forsaken economy . I know that no employer can discriminate based upon gender identity, sexual orientation, race, or any number of other things (Staples refused to hire me because I'm too awesome for them), but they sometimes do, so I wish you luck on your search. As for the court thing, believe me, they've seen everything. Going to jury duty enlightened me about that. I think you'll be fine.

"So... the big announcement for this blog is that I'm pretty much full-time now. For those of you that read part 2, full-time is the position in which you never revert back into guy mode for anything. The only two exceptions are A: visiting my parents, and B: this upcoming court deally. I've been full-time for a couple of weeks so far, and it's been some of the most wonderful time in my life."

It's good to hear that this has been liberating, as I'm sure it is for multitudes of people growing weary of traditional gender constraints. Considering my love of facial hair, penchant for scratching inappropriate places in public, and adoration of being able to pee three feet away from the toilet, I think I'm pretty firmly in man land. The big thing is that I've always had terrible upper-body strength and you get no end of sh*t for that when you're a guy. I just wish people would care less about those things .

"I also think I've gotten better at taking constructive criticisms from people I know on my looks, while not just immediately deciding I look absolutely hideous. Because it's only been fairly recently that I realized that I'm NOT hideous. I'm... well... somehow, I become kind of cute. (O_O)"

*whistles inappropriately*

"I'll tell you an interesting story... the story that lent itself to my decision to start becoming full-time. I was helping my friends move, because they had gotten evicted from their apartment. I decided that I'd go in girl mode, because I'd been doing that more often lately and couldn't think of a reason not to.

Well, because I was the only one of the three of us that had a license AND insurance, I went ahead and agreed to check out the moving truck for them (don't worry, it didn't cost me anything). However, when I was on my way to pick Ariel up, I realized that I'd have to show them my license, which still has my "guy" photo because I haven't yet updated it.

Well, I've gotten used to explaining my "situation" to people (see part 3), so I just kind of shrugged it off. When I got to the storage place to pick up the moving van, though, something very amusing happened. I handed the guy my license after talking to him and the lady at the counter for a bit. As I handed him my license, I immediately said "Yes, that IS me in that picture" before he even got a chance to look at it and ask.

When he DID look at it, his eyes went extremely wide. He looked at the picture, looked at me, looked back at the picture, looked at me again. He did a full TRIPLE-take before he finally reacted. He was very cool and understanding about it, saying that he could hardly believe that picture could possibly be me. In short, an awesome thing."

*looks at pictures at bottom* I...can hardly believe it myself. If you look closely, there's a facial resemblance, but you do look quite different. The dimples on your face look feminine and you have a clean, lovely smile. You looked like a fairly masculine guy too, so I have to admit that the change is staggering.

"What happened to me a couple of days later, though, when the three of us were wandering around a Target, had an even BIGGER impact on my decision. The store was getting close to closing time, and I had wandered off from Ned and Ariel to go look at something. Well, I decided that I should go find them again so that we could leave.

I looked around the store, and as I did so, I saw a pretty cute girl standing off to my side. I turned in her direction, and what do you suppose I saw?

It was me... looking back at myself from a reflection on a tall body mirror.

I can't describe to you just how surreal that moment was. As I think would be the case with anyone, I had gotten used to picturing myself a certain way. Seeing for the first time at a glance and then really looking on at how things have changed for me since I've been on hormone replacement and working on transitioning has been absolutely staggering. I knew that people said it would be the case going in, but I swear I didn't notice any of the differences as they were happening."

I can hardly imagine being pleased with seeing the person in the mirror, as I look like something that a ferocious bear dragged out of the Germanic forests. It does raise interesting questions about multiple selves within our person, but I'm not really smart enough to elaborate on that . Ah, I think I have an appropriate video video link! Sorry, I'm not trying to be silly, I'm sure it must have been a moment of... elated self-actualization. The only comparable thing I have is when I realized that I was getting tall...I love being tall!

"But suffice it to say that that's when I started to arrive at the conclusion that I was getting finished with boy mode. What finally sealed it in my mind was when I went back temporarily that Sunday. Previously, I would swap back and forth between boy and girl modes, and would traditionally be in "boy" mode the day before my electrolysis (since, as mentioned in part 2, facial hair needs to be grown out a bit for that). But I realized throughout that entire day that I was miserable being in boy mode. I didn't want to get out of bed and I definitely didn't want to leave the house.

That was when, for better or worse, I made my decision. If I seem a tiny bit off to some people once in awhile... ah, well. Them's the breaks. But so far, it's been nothing short of wonderful, and no one seems to have noticed anything strange about me."

Don't look back. Anything that would make me that happy would be well worth any consequences. There's so much sh*t in life that you may as well embrace something that makes your life better. I hope your parents can come to understand someday as well, but even if they don't, don't look back.

"Anyway... before recently, I was extremely self-conscious about my pictures, and took criticism too harshly. I'm going to change that now. Included in this blog entry are a couple of shots of my "old" self, before I started transitioning, how I look now, and a small video of me so you get the full idea. Feel free to comment on them in any way you like. Love 'em, great. Hate 'em, that's cool, too. It's a free-for-all, so don't be shy. And so, without further ado..."

You look great both ways IMO. There's no one way to be a man or a woman, so i really can't help you out too much here other than to say that you look very natural as a woman. Never underestimate the importance of clothing in striking the right mood for the right situation and for god sakes, don't cake yourself with make-up, I think women look better without it .

Wow! I didn't realize that this blog had been replied to! Sorry for the long silence, everyone! (O_O)

Omis said:

I'll read it if you put it back up. The other three entries were really well written.

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Thanks! It's reposted now.

Manfred von Karma said:

There was just a swarm of blogs recently so you probably got pushed down. You should put it back up though it's a shame, I was going to feature the series when you finished it. :/

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I'm honored! If you'd still like to feature it, by all means feel free to do so, and I'll keep writing!

Super_Sonic8677 said:

I'd like to say the you in the old pictures and the you in the new ones look nothing alike. I would have never thought that you were at one time the one in the old picture.

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Geez, really? I can still easily see me in those all shots, heh. But then, I've known me for quite awhilem, heh.

Honestly, though, that was a very, VERY sweet thing of you to say. Thanks!

Fly_Amanita said:

I read this and really liked it, as well as all of the other parts. I just have a habit of not commenting on anything if I don't feel like I have anything particularly substantial to add to the discussion.

I am glad that this is working out so well for you!

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Thanks!

Mota said:

I enjoyed reading your transition blogs, very well written, insightful and informative.

Similar to the above posters, I had nothing to add and didn't really want to just post 'good luck' etc.

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Not a problem. I'm extremely happy that the subject is still worth reading on.

Manfred von Karma said:

I guess the transition added the emotional sensitivity of a girl too.

Modern techniques really do wonders!

Haha just playin'. <3

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Actually, you're not too far off, really. ^^;

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't like angry or anything when I thought no one was interested. It was more that I kinda shrugged, sighed, and decided that the subject had worn itself out. I'm very happy that it's not the case!

jivegamer said:

Welcome back!

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It's not After M*A*S*H, but I'll take it!

It's important to state the good and the bad to get the full picture of a transitional life process.[/color]

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Thanks.

Oh aren't we all looking for (or clinging desperately onto) jobs in this god-forsaken economy . I know that no employer can discriminate based upon gender identity, sexual orientation, race, or any number of other things (Staples refused to hire me because I'm too awesome for them), but they sometimes do, so I wish you luck on your search. As for the court thing, believe me, they've seen everything. Going to jury duty enlightened me about that. I think you'll be fine.

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Meh... I took care of all my fines. Said "To heck with it" and paid them off.

It's good to hear that this has been liberating, as I'm sure it is for multitudes of people growing weary of traditional gender constraints. Considering my love of facial hair, penchant for scratching inappropriate places in public, and adoration of being able to pee three feet away from the toilet, I think I'm pretty firmly in man land.

Click to expand...

You'd be surprised. One thing I've found out about birth-girls is that what a LOT of them seem to wonder most about being a guy is what it'd be like to pee standinhg up. That one kind of came a shocker to me.

The big thing is that I've always had terrible upper-body strength and you get no end of sh*t for that when you're a guy. I just wish people would care less about those things .

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I understand completely.

*whistles inappropriately*

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I...

But, you...

...Nice.

*looks at pictures at bottom* I...can hardly believe it myself. If you look closely, there's a facial resemblance, but you do look quite different. The dimples on your face look feminine and you have a clean, lovely smile. You looked like a fairly masculine guy too, so I have to admit that the change is staggering.

Click to expand...

That's the really, REALLY strange thing for me. I mean, to me... I've always kind of looked like me, so it's a bit strange gettingf used to the idea that I look different, now. It's strange how our minds work that way.

I can hardly imagine being pleased with seeing the person in the mirror, as I look like something that a ferocious bear dragged out of the Germanic forests. It does raise interesting questions about multiple selves within our person, but I'm not really smart enough to elaborate on that . Ah, I think I have an appropriate video video link! Sorry, I'm not trying to be silly, I'm sure it must have been a moment of... elated self-actualization. The only comparable thing I have is when I realized that I was getting tall...I love being tall!

Click to expand...

Ah, yes... the teenage growth spurts. I think that's quite an appropriate comparison, really.

Don't look back. Anything that would make me that happy would be well worth any consequences. There's so much sh*t in life that you may as well embrace something that makes your life better. I hope your parents can come to understand someday as well, but even if they don't, don't look back.

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That will likely be a topic I graze upon on my next blog entry. I'm psyching myself up for a gran face-off with my parents. We've been at a standstill for far too long, and I'm drawing up battle plans to finally get to the main point with them. I want them to see and acknowledge me as a girl, because I'm NOT going back anymore, even for them.

You look great both ways IMO. There's no one way to be a man or a woman, so i really can't help you out too much here other than to say that you look very natural as a woman. Never underestimate the importance of clothing in striking the right mood for the right situation and for god sakes, don't cake yourself with make-up, I think women look better without it .[/color]

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Erm... I still have to be careful about that. I'm getting electrolysis and it's helping like you wouldn't believe, but I still have just the TINIEST bit of goatee shadow if I don't use a proper concealer. I, too, enjoy the natural look for girls that can pull it off, though!

As you said, I don't think I was especially UN-attractive as a guy (even though you could obviously tell I put a lot less thought into my dress and appearance), but that was never the point, as I'm sure you can imagine.

At any rate, my back is KILLING me, and I still have a PM to answer, so I'll wrap it up here. Thanks again, everyone, from the more sincere depths of my heart for all of your continued interest in my tale! See you around in part 5!