ZTD | TECHnology
Developing New TECHnology
Link to original post: [drupal=5424]Committed to Life - A Blog for Struggling Gay Men/Women[/drupal]
So I suppose the point of this blog is to share some details about my life that I really never shared before. I guess I am getting some stuff off of my chest by doing this. My past is something that I spent a long time trying to avoid and hide. At the same time, I realize it is those experiences that made me the person I am today. And I'm a pretty good guy if I say so myself. At the same time, this is also for those who may be struggling out there with being gay. It's really not something that's easily dealt with if you have to do this battle by yourself. And many young gay/bi/transgender people attempt suicide. Many go off down the dark path and get into drugs and risky lifestyle choices.
I've done it all. I've witnessed and experienced the "Darker" side of humanity and living. So by making this blog, I hope that I can convince at least one person who may be struggling that is does get better if you want it to. (Note: I don't go too far into detail about specific things just because its Smashboards..lol
)
Anyway, I'll try not to make this into a full autobiography but you should know a bit about me. Today I am a 24 year old, gay, proud and out black man. I had always known this but never pieced it together until about 14 or so. At that point, I became really depressed because of how I witnessed the world treated gay people. My parents are very homophobic and old school. My dad refers to gay men as "Sissies" and "Fairies". And my mom is Catholic. When I realized I was gay, I felt like I had been hand selected by God to be ****ed in the *** by life. I felt like it was unfair. And so I went on hiding that fact about me as adamantly as I could. But when I was 17 by parents found out that I had gay porn stashed on my computer. My dad beat the **** out me and would continue to beat the **** out of me for the next 9 months until I was kicked out on my 18th birthday. My mom said "You're going to get AIDS just like my brother" (she has a gay younger brother). It was a beyond terrible experience. I was completely blindsided by it and one of the worst possible outcomes of this scenario has actually played out. But that was really just the beginning.
On my 18th birthday, my present was to get the hell out my parents house. For the next year, I would wander around and bounce between friends places. Being able to stay one place for a few months and moving on to the next. I lived with Jehovah's Witnesses, rednecks, and everything in between. My life was far from stable. I eventually stayed at a friend's place for almost two years. It was the closest thing I ever had to a home at that time. But I was far from stable. I tried going to college but it didn't work out. I had no actual drive for school. So I skipped most of my classes and failed almost all of them. I was developing a drinking habit at this time. I figured, I was finally free from my parents' clutches. Might as well do what the hell I want. I drank, I partied, I did drugs and I had a lot of sex in the next few years. I used sex a as a way to lower myself and at the same time escape my current reality. I wasn't doing it for my own enjoyment. I felt like I was nothing. And so I carried myself as such. And in order to sustain myself I would do odd jobs here and there but I never had a stable job at that time. But it was during this time that I had officially given up any commitment to life. I honestly did not care about what would happen to me at this point. I figured that I was damned from the very start and might as well go out with a bang.
Anyway during all of this, I was still hanging out with my best friends growing up. I had known almost all of them since middle school. Some earlier than that. They had no clue about me being gay. I made sure of it. But after a a year or so or just partying, smoking weed, and drinking we decided to get a house together in the hood of Detroit. It was incredibly cheap and we had enough money between 6 of us to get rent. (It was a hugggggge house, historical home). Once this finally went down, it was as if my life was just getting more out of control. I had no car and no real way to get back into the suburbs. It was as if I were trapped. None of us had a job except for one person. All we did was do drugs, drink and play video games. This was back in late 2008 into 2009. I was playing Brawl a lot and really enjoying it. I remember wanting to get into the competitive scene at this time. But that was really just my existence. And as time went on, the magical party house we had became a nightmare. It was always filthy, smelled like drugs (and as time went on I tried more and more) all the time and everyone was always complaining about how there was no food. But we spent all of our money on drugs and alcohol. It was a house full of addiction. And to survive, I did what I had to do. I did some things that I am not proud of in order to sustain my existence. I sold drugs, I sold more than drugs. I stole. I did a lot things just to exist. I couldn't help but think why I was still clinging on to life ever so barely. I think I knew that I could do better than what I was doing. I had a really good friend I had met during this time, who gave me some hope. He was once in the same condition and state of life that I was living in at that time. And he seemed happy. I wanted that.
But one day in that house, we had all done mushrooms. And I experienced a revelation during them. I had realized that sexuality just did not matter. I realized that it was absolutely stupid to just beat myself up over something that I have no control over and that a bunch of idiots decided was wrong. In that same night, I came out to everyone. All of my friends. I was done with hiding. And I just wanted more out of life.
Soon after a friend of mine, left that house and started our lives over again. I got a ****ty but stable job. I was working and supporting myself. I was doing better than I was before. I moved into a nice neighborhood and I was proud. I had a boyfriend and things were looking good. I was also playing competitive Smash again as well. I was going to try to make some of my dreams happen. But on Valentine's Day of 2010, I was arrested for something I didn't do. Selling drugs to an undercover police officer. I remember sitting in jail like it was yesterday. When you sit in a cell, you have nothing but time. Just you and your thoughts. I did a lot of thinking about how I ****ed up my life in the past. Freedom....is something that you can't really appreciate until you've had it taken away from you honestly. But I really hope that none of you experience that. But it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity but I had to take a plea deal because I would have had to testify against 4 racist police officers. If I lost the trial...I would have had two felonies on my record and my life was officially over. So I took a hit and went on probation and two misdemanors. If I completed my probation, then it would be off my record. .And my life went back to square one. After months of twice a week drug testing, I developed a pill addiction. It was the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I really hated life at this point. I really just wanted everything to stop. It seemed like once I had finally made progress, life just came back to remind me that I am nothing and that I can't have anything.
But once I moved in with my current roommate things got better. He helped get me back on the path I need to be. He saw something in me and put a lot of time and money into helping me achieve my goals. Even my goals for Smash bros. He recognized that Smash was perhaps the only thing that I actually enjoyed. So be bought me a Wii, Brawl , paid for some of my trips out of state and told me to chase me dreams. He's older, gay and been through a lot of the same things I had. And now he makes 150,000 bucks a year. Yes, that's a lot of money. 6 years ago, he was worse off than I was. And he too, brought his life around. And it's thanks to him that I am where I am today. I'm in school now, and doing everything I've wanted because of him. I live in a good neighborhood, make decent money, destroying my classes at school and have a reason to live because of him. I am doing better than I ever had before period. I feel good about life finally. I have a purpose and I have drive. And one day, I would like to help a young gay man the way I've been helped. Because honestly, I never saw myself living to 24. I was convinced I would be dead by now. But here I am.
So any of you who might know me in person are probably shocked by a few of the things you just read in this blog. Well, that's me. That's my past. But I use that terrible experience of the past 7 years or so to actually motivate me. I guess that's why I enjoy hanging out with everyone in the Smash community now and enjoy life again. It was because of Smash, some good friends and some luck that brought me here today. That's why I do everything I can for my community. I just want to pay it forward.
So to anyone reading this and who may be struggling: There's always hope. Life can be incredibly ****ty but it also be amazing. Sometimes we are just victims of really unfortunately circumstances. Sometimes, its people, religion or something else. But don't let anyone extinguish your fire for living. There's a whole big world out there and only a finite amount of years you will be on this earth to see it. Seize it while you can. Talk to someone if you need help. Do everything you can to get the most out of life and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. Or that you won't be anything. Or that you're going to hell or that you can't be a Christian or whatever.
Do you.
- Tech_Chase
So I suppose the point of this blog is to share some details about my life that I really never shared before. I guess I am getting some stuff off of my chest by doing this. My past is something that I spent a long time trying to avoid and hide. At the same time, I realize it is those experiences that made me the person I am today. And I'm a pretty good guy if I say so myself. At the same time, this is also for those who may be struggling out there with being gay. It's really not something that's easily dealt with if you have to do this battle by yourself. And many young gay/bi/transgender people attempt suicide. Many go off down the dark path and get into drugs and risky lifestyle choices.
I've done it all. I've witnessed and experienced the "Darker" side of humanity and living. So by making this blog, I hope that I can convince at least one person who may be struggling that is does get better if you want it to. (Note: I don't go too far into detail about specific things just because its Smashboards..lol
)Anyway, I'll try not to make this into a full autobiography but you should know a bit about me. Today I am a 24 year old, gay, proud and out black man. I had always known this but never pieced it together until about 14 or so. At that point, I became really depressed because of how I witnessed the world treated gay people. My parents are very homophobic and old school. My dad refers to gay men as "Sissies" and "Fairies". And my mom is Catholic. When I realized I was gay, I felt like I had been hand selected by God to be ****ed in the *** by life. I felt like it was unfair. And so I went on hiding that fact about me as adamantly as I could. But when I was 17 by parents found out that I had gay porn stashed on my computer. My dad beat the **** out me and would continue to beat the **** out of me for the next 9 months until I was kicked out on my 18th birthday. My mom said "You're going to get AIDS just like my brother" (she has a gay younger brother). It was a beyond terrible experience. I was completely blindsided by it and one of the worst possible outcomes of this scenario has actually played out. But that was really just the beginning.
On my 18th birthday, my present was to get the hell out my parents house. For the next year, I would wander around and bounce between friends places. Being able to stay one place for a few months and moving on to the next. I lived with Jehovah's Witnesses, rednecks, and everything in between. My life was far from stable. I eventually stayed at a friend's place for almost two years. It was the closest thing I ever had to a home at that time. But I was far from stable. I tried going to college but it didn't work out. I had no actual drive for school. So I skipped most of my classes and failed almost all of them. I was developing a drinking habit at this time. I figured, I was finally free from my parents' clutches. Might as well do what the hell I want. I drank, I partied, I did drugs and I had a lot of sex in the next few years. I used sex a as a way to lower myself and at the same time escape my current reality. I wasn't doing it for my own enjoyment. I felt like I was nothing. And so I carried myself as such. And in order to sustain myself I would do odd jobs here and there but I never had a stable job at that time. But it was during this time that I had officially given up any commitment to life. I honestly did not care about what would happen to me at this point. I figured that I was damned from the very start and might as well go out with a bang.
Anyway during all of this, I was still hanging out with my best friends growing up. I had known almost all of them since middle school. Some earlier than that. They had no clue about me being gay. I made sure of it. But after a a year or so or just partying, smoking weed, and drinking we decided to get a house together in the hood of Detroit. It was incredibly cheap and we had enough money between 6 of us to get rent. (It was a hugggggge house, historical home). Once this finally went down, it was as if my life was just getting more out of control. I had no car and no real way to get back into the suburbs. It was as if I were trapped. None of us had a job except for one person. All we did was do drugs, drink and play video games. This was back in late 2008 into 2009. I was playing Brawl a lot and really enjoying it. I remember wanting to get into the competitive scene at this time. But that was really just my existence. And as time went on, the magical party house we had became a nightmare. It was always filthy, smelled like drugs (and as time went on I tried more and more) all the time and everyone was always complaining about how there was no food. But we spent all of our money on drugs and alcohol. It was a house full of addiction. And to survive, I did what I had to do. I did some things that I am not proud of in order to sustain my existence. I sold drugs, I sold more than drugs. I stole. I did a lot things just to exist. I couldn't help but think why I was still clinging on to life ever so barely. I think I knew that I could do better than what I was doing. I had a really good friend I had met during this time, who gave me some hope. He was once in the same condition and state of life that I was living in at that time. And he seemed happy. I wanted that.
But one day in that house, we had all done mushrooms. And I experienced a revelation during them. I had realized that sexuality just did not matter. I realized that it was absolutely stupid to just beat myself up over something that I have no control over and that a bunch of idiots decided was wrong. In that same night, I came out to everyone. All of my friends. I was done with hiding. And I just wanted more out of life.
Soon after a friend of mine, left that house and started our lives over again. I got a ****ty but stable job. I was working and supporting myself. I was doing better than I was before. I moved into a nice neighborhood and I was proud. I had a boyfriend and things were looking good. I was also playing competitive Smash again as well. I was going to try to make some of my dreams happen. But on Valentine's Day of 2010, I was arrested for something I didn't do. Selling drugs to an undercover police officer. I remember sitting in jail like it was yesterday. When you sit in a cell, you have nothing but time. Just you and your thoughts. I did a lot of thinking about how I ****ed up my life in the past. Freedom....is something that you can't really appreciate until you've had it taken away from you honestly. But I really hope that none of you experience that. But it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity but I had to take a plea deal because I would have had to testify against 4 racist police officers. If I lost the trial...I would have had two felonies on my record and my life was officially over. So I took a hit and went on probation and two misdemanors. If I completed my probation, then it would be off my record. .And my life went back to square one. After months of twice a week drug testing, I developed a pill addiction. It was the only thing keeping me alive at that point. I really hated life at this point. I really just wanted everything to stop. It seemed like once I had finally made progress, life just came back to remind me that I am nothing and that I can't have anything.
But once I moved in with my current roommate things got better. He helped get me back on the path I need to be. He saw something in me and put a lot of time and money into helping me achieve my goals. Even my goals for Smash bros. He recognized that Smash was perhaps the only thing that I actually enjoyed. So be bought me a Wii, Brawl , paid for some of my trips out of state and told me to chase me dreams. He's older, gay and been through a lot of the same things I had. And now he makes 150,000 bucks a year. Yes, that's a lot of money. 6 years ago, he was worse off than I was. And he too, brought his life around. And it's thanks to him that I am where I am today. I'm in school now, and doing everything I've wanted because of him. I live in a good neighborhood, make decent money, destroying my classes at school and have a reason to live because of him. I am doing better than I ever had before period. I feel good about life finally. I have a purpose and I have drive. And one day, I would like to help a young gay man the way I've been helped. Because honestly, I never saw myself living to 24. I was convinced I would be dead by now. But here I am.
So any of you who might know me in person are probably shocked by a few of the things you just read in this blog. Well, that's me. That's my past. But I use that terrible experience of the past 7 years or so to actually motivate me. I guess that's why I enjoy hanging out with everyone in the Smash community now and enjoy life again. It was because of Smash, some good friends and some luck that brought me here today. That's why I do everything I can for my community. I just want to pay it forward.
So to anyone reading this and who may be struggling: There's always hope. Life can be incredibly ****ty but it also be amazing. Sometimes we are just victims of really unfortunately circumstances. Sometimes, its people, religion or something else. But don't let anyone extinguish your fire for living. There's a whole big world out there and only a finite amount of years you will be on this earth to see it. Seize it while you can. Talk to someone if you need help. Do everything you can to get the most out of life and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. Or that you won't be anything. Or that you're going to hell or that you can't be a Christian or whatever.
Do you.
- Tech_Chase
