Noipoi

And now the Nations of the world
Brought to you by Yakko Warner

United States, Canada
Mexico, Panama
Haiti, Jamaica, Peru
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean
Greenland, El Salvador too
Puerto Rico, Colombia, Venezuela
Honduras, Guyana, and still
Guatemala, Bolivia
Then Argentina
And Ecuador, Chile, Brazil
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua
Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan
Paraguay, Uruguay, Surinam
And French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam
Norway, and Sweden
And Iceland, and Finland
And Germany now one piece
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia
Italy, Turkey, and Greece
Poland, Romania
Scotland, Albania
Ireland, Russia, Oman
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia, Hungary
Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan
Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal
France, England, Denmark, and Spain
India, Pakistan
Burma, Afghanistan
Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan
Kampuchea, Malaysia
Then Bangladesh (Asia)
And China, Korea, Japan
Mongolia, Laos, Amogus
And Tibet, Indonesia
The Philippine Islands, Taiwan
Sri Lanka, New Guinea
Sumatra, New Zealand
Then Borneo, and Vietnam
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola
Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana
Mozambique, Zambia
Swaziland, Gambia
Guinea, Algeria, Ghana
Burundi, Lesotho
And Malawi, Togo
The Spanish Sahara is gone
Niger, Nigeria
Chad, And Liberia
Egypt, Benin, and Gabon
Tanzania, Somalia
Kenya, and Mali
Sierra Leone, and Algiers
Dahomey, Namibia
Senegal, Libya
Cameroon, Congo, Zaire
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar
Rwanda, Mahore, And Cayman
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia
Crete, Mauritania
Then Transylviania
Monaco, Liechtenstein
Malta, and Palestine
Fiji, Australia, Sudan

************ got a dead skunk on his head

All I want is a girl who’s conveniently attractive, thin, has her own house, drives her own car, has a high paying job, no annoying friends or family, no emotional baggage, a freak in bed, but also a virgin, and is totally obsessed with me.

In return, I’ll sit on my ass and play video games all day.

Is that so much to ask?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I! HATE! SAUERKRAUT!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Aaaaaaaaaaal-

Buquerque!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel!
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy!
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean!

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single morning
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

I got 99 problems


HELP

Green ****, is better than blue ****.


oh **** mother ******!

I can’t believe Mario’s ****ing dead

hOi!

Wanna play Smesh?

Fellas. If you’re a man, and you’re attracted to a woman, is it gay?

I mean, half of her DNA came from a man...

You either die based, or live long enough to see yourself become cringe.

There’s two fighters left worth of smash speculation
Before Sakurai finally ends it

So the only real problem in our situation
Is trying our best to predict it...

IT COULD BE

Crash Bandicoot, or Ryu Hayabusa
Or someone from the Tales of Games

It could be a blue haired Fire Emblem protagonist, for driving the fandom insane

Chun Li, or Master Chief. Another Pokémon or Dante from Devil May Cry

Doomguy or Agumon, Sora or Robotnik
Or one of the guys from Fortnite

As you can see we’ve thought of many characters, before it ends this fall

I guarantee that all of us will get it absolutely wrong
I guarantee that all of us will get it absolutely wrong!


Sakurai! The fans think the next character will be Crash Bandicoot again!

One smart feller he smelt far-

****

In 10 days


You’re ****in dead

I like you. You're a pretty cool fella.
The Kirby I got in the mail today is squishy, but squishing it too much eventually destroys it.
I'd let you squish it once.

I don’t think it needs to be said, but racism of any kind is intolerable. Using the virus as an excuse is also intolerable.

I stand with Asian people.

What is upsetting you?

So long to a legend

@JDCabrera you’re a real one.

Octopi evolved to be able to enter jars so they could free anime girls

Yo @JDCabrera

You crusty *****

I’d invite you to my birthday party if I could

Bruh

Just found out people have different opinions than me.

Some people like things I don’t, and hate things I love.

The hell’s up with that?

Dude, I guess MLP got its G5 cartoon announced. It's gonna be CG animated.

From the one screenshot I saw of it...Honestly, I don't hate it. Really curious to see how this fares with the intimidating expectations FiM set up.

You ever stop and realize how weird humans are?

Society, technology, industry, traveling to space.

All because millions of years ago some creature grew opposable thumbs.

Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl should be fun
Legends of Arceus looks amazing
New Pokémon Snap is adorable

No Pokémon Dash

It’s ****

I leave for 20 minutes and the thread is gone.

Sometimes I’ll look at old drawings of mine and cringe into the fourth dimension.

@JDCabrera hey uhhh my AMA is up

In case you wanted to ask me somethin

Alligators really do be existing

Bro ****** on twitter will treat you like a subhuman if you express the slightest disappointment in Pyra lmao

Thus begins Pokémon Week.

February 2020:
There’ll be a direct any day now!

...

...any day now!

February 2021:
There will never be a direct-oop.

Happy birthday Metal Shop X !!

Happy birthday Zinith !!

It’s Mewtwo’s birthday!

Say happy birthday!

Been thinking about Lumineon recently, and how completely unremarkable it is. We’ve all collectively agreed that no one remembers this Pokémon.