(Warning: People who complain about the length of posts or people who failed first grade might not want to read this as it is very long and potentially boring.)
Are You a Noob?
The term Noob has existed since the advent of competitive gaming itself. Most people use ‘Noob’ as an insult towards people who spam, complain, or are downright idiotic. There is an entire group of people called by the name Noob. This essay will serve to help competitive players observe the Noob in its natural habitat while also checking to make sure that they themselves are not in fact Noobs.
Table of Contents
-What is a Noob? [WN]
-Three Qualities of Homo Noobus [QN]
-The Inability to Adapt [AN]
-The Inability to Progress their Metagame [MN]
a. Inability to Research [RN]
b. Inability to Utilize Techniques [UN]
c. The Inability to Follow Advice [FN]
- The Inability to be Patient [PN]
a. The Inability to Practice [IN]
b. The Need for Quick Rewards [NN]
- Conclusion: Are You a Noob? [CN]
To skip to a specific section use CTRL + F to open the Find application and type in the letters in brackets.
What is A Noob? [WN]
First things first. A Casual player is not a Noob. I just wanted to get this out of the way. There are competitive Noobs and Casual Noobs but neither group is all noobs. It’s like a Noob salad. Competitive and Casuals are the lettuce and Noobs are the other things mixed in. Noobs are only confined by their own mental limitations. In order to more clearly define the differences between each group I have created a species chart.
Homo-Noobus- The lowest level on the evolutionary ladder is the Noobs. Homo-Noobus is held back by not wanting to try new things and expand. They continually try to prove that they are the highest on the chain by showing off their ‘leet skilz’. Are totally clueless to the community and competitive scene around them.
Homo-Casualos- Not any lower on the ladder than the Competitive player but much higher than Homo-Noobus. Homo-Casualos tends to play less often and religiously as the Competitive player. Lots like to play competitively with items on while many just don’t play smash as much. Many are locked in a tribal war with Competitive players.
Homo-Melees- The Competitive player, Homo-Melees is not held back by any of the restrictions keeping Noobus from evolving. Homo-Melees insanely follows every aspect about the smash scene. Melees plays with other often to heighten their skill. Melees will do just about anything to prove that he or she is the best. Is often locked in a tribal war with Homo-Casualos.
That’s the noob in the broad sense of the term. Now I will attempt to delve deeper into the immense jungles of Noobdom to find more specific thing about them. Beware there may be spam or johns within.
Three Qualities of Homo-Noobus [QN]
Like mammals, fish, reptiles, pokemon and Kirby, Noobs have certain qualities that set them apart from the rest of players. Kirby for instance has the ability to hide its gender and make hats out of nowhere while pokemon can say their names in the most annoying way possible. There are three things that make Noobs a distinct group.
First is the Inability to Adapt. Second is the Inability to Progress their Metagame. Third is the Inability to be Patient. More after the short break.
The Inability to Adapt [AN]
Whew! That was a short break.
Adapting is a large part of any highly competitive game like Smash, Pokemon, Street Fighter or My Little Pony. Homo-Noobus lacks the ability to adapt to its opponent. Even if a Noob see the attack coming they are not able to change their play styles and strategies to fit the current state of the match. If a Noob can overcome the mental block then they could be on their way to evolution..
The Inability to Progress their Metagame [MN]
Homo-Noobus cannot progress in any way and this fits largely with the Inability to Adapt. Just like Ganondorf can not progress from one end of the stage to the other a Noob can not learn new techniques. This is because of three things.
The Inability to Research [RN]
The Noob knows no way to acquire new techniques because they lack the ability to research. Research is an important part of progressing. When I first heard the term ISJR used I had no idea what it meant but after I looked for a thread on the subject I brought my knowledge of this technique from zero to complete. A Noob does not have the ability to research unfamiliar terms because they do not have the knowledge of sites like SmashWiki, SmashBoards, BrawlCentral or even Gamefaqs. To add to this they rely on things like the Prima guide to give them info about the game, believing that there is no more to learn.
Inability to Utilize Techniques [UN]
To a Noob a technique that is shown to them is like the ultimate win strategy. If a Noob learns a technique like snakedashing or something like that that will be all that they do. They do this because do to the Inability to Research the Noob lacks the necessary knowledge to utilize a tech effectively. If a Noob figures out how to use a tech correctly then they will most likely want to try to learn other techs, bringing them much closer into evolving into another species.
The Inability to Follow Advice [FN]
Giving advice to a Noob is pointless because it always falls on deaf ears (if they have any). The only words that they hear are compliments. The Noob does not take advice or criticism because they think that they have maxed out the potential of the game and think that they can get no better. A Noob that learns to take advice is on the way to something better.
The Inability to be Patient [PN]
Noobs are inherently compulsive and reckless, jumping headlong into the most obvious attacks. They waste no time learning things or planning ahead they just go and fight. Often with spammy consequences. A few qualities that fall under this category are the Inability to Practice and the Need for Quick Rewards.
The Inability to Practice [IN]
Perhaps I should rename this quality to be ‘The Inability to Practice Correctly’ because Noobs ‘practice’ alright. They practice spamming and be hit by predictable attacks. The common Noob often says proudly “jqwhevfr,jhqg,rfg,wrjbf,arjgf,.wkrgqkudygf,majegf,ajfg,jfgqjhgf!!!!!!!!111” Correctly translated this states “I can beat Level 9 CPUs with all Golden Hammer and Smash Balz with 99 stock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111”
First of all we know that anyone can beat a Level 9. We also know that this is not the correct way to practice. The Noob doesn’t practice because he doesn’t know how to. If a Noob learns to practice properly he is much closer to evolution.
The Need for Quick Rewards [NN]
Many have noticed that the Noobs often spam things such as F-Smash or things like that. The reason is because the Noob is addicted to the rush they get when they get a KO. They have to spam powerful moves in order to get that rush many times in quick succession. Their Need for Quick Rewards turns them away from characters like Snake who do not have a spammy F-Smash or characters that require a certain amount of technical skill to play. In stead they tend to like characters like Ike that fit the bill for quick rewards.
One of the few characters that I’ve found that both Noobs and the rest of the Smash players consider is good is Pit. Probably because of his ease of use.
If a Noob can play slower and more patiently he can definitely become a better player.
Conclusion: Are You a Noob? [CN]
Technically this entire essay could have been written out like this.
Need for Quick Rewards
Overly Compulsive
Objective to Progress
Bad at Adapting
N.O.O.B
However then it wouldn’t have served its purpose of try to bore you with its long-windedness. The point of this is to try and define the qualities that make us Noobs and to try and identify the points that we should work on to avoid de-evolution.
If you are a Noob who is reading this then you probably didn’t because of your lack of patience and the Need for Quick Rewards. Of course this would also be progressing your Metagame. Just know that if you follow the steps above and level up after or before noon you will evolve into Homo-Melees or Homo-Casualos respectively.
The Most pressing question at the end of this is definitely one that is hard to answer for some of us. The question stands as thus.
Are You A Noob?
If you or someone you love is suffering from Noob syndrome call 1-800-P.R.O.J.E.C.T-N.O.O.B and they might be accepted for extensive medical research!
If you liked this post your comments, concerns and/or spam. If this is in the wrong section I’m sorry. I thought that this would be the best place to put it.
Only a few Noobs were tortured, cut open or dipped in toxic waste during the making of this post. Thank you!
Are You a Noob?
The term Noob has existed since the advent of competitive gaming itself. Most people use ‘Noob’ as an insult towards people who spam, complain, or are downright idiotic. There is an entire group of people called by the name Noob. This essay will serve to help competitive players observe the Noob in its natural habitat while also checking to make sure that they themselves are not in fact Noobs.
Table of Contents
-What is a Noob? [WN]
-Three Qualities of Homo Noobus [QN]
-The Inability to Adapt [AN]
-The Inability to Progress their Metagame [MN]
a. Inability to Research [RN]
b. Inability to Utilize Techniques [UN]
c. The Inability to Follow Advice [FN]
- The Inability to be Patient [PN]
a. The Inability to Practice [IN]
b. The Need for Quick Rewards [NN]
- Conclusion: Are You a Noob? [CN]
To skip to a specific section use CTRL + F to open the Find application and type in the letters in brackets.
What is A Noob? [WN]
First things first. A Casual player is not a Noob. I just wanted to get this out of the way. There are competitive Noobs and Casual Noobs but neither group is all noobs. It’s like a Noob salad. Competitive and Casuals are the lettuce and Noobs are the other things mixed in. Noobs are only confined by their own mental limitations. In order to more clearly define the differences between each group I have created a species chart.
Homo-Noobus- The lowest level on the evolutionary ladder is the Noobs. Homo-Noobus is held back by not wanting to try new things and expand. They continually try to prove that they are the highest on the chain by showing off their ‘leet skilz’. Are totally clueless to the community and competitive scene around them.
Homo-Casualos- Not any lower on the ladder than the Competitive player but much higher than Homo-Noobus. Homo-Casualos tends to play less often and religiously as the Competitive player. Lots like to play competitively with items on while many just don’t play smash as much. Many are locked in a tribal war with Competitive players.
Homo-Melees- The Competitive player, Homo-Melees is not held back by any of the restrictions keeping Noobus from evolving. Homo-Melees insanely follows every aspect about the smash scene. Melees plays with other often to heighten their skill. Melees will do just about anything to prove that he or she is the best. Is often locked in a tribal war with Homo-Casualos.
That’s the noob in the broad sense of the term. Now I will attempt to delve deeper into the immense jungles of Noobdom to find more specific thing about them. Beware there may be spam or johns within.
Three Qualities of Homo-Noobus [QN]
Like mammals, fish, reptiles, pokemon and Kirby, Noobs have certain qualities that set them apart from the rest of players. Kirby for instance has the ability to hide its gender and make hats out of nowhere while pokemon can say their names in the most annoying way possible. There are three things that make Noobs a distinct group.
First is the Inability to Adapt. Second is the Inability to Progress their Metagame. Third is the Inability to be Patient. More after the short break.
The Inability to Adapt [AN]
Whew! That was a short break.
Adapting is a large part of any highly competitive game like Smash, Pokemon, Street Fighter or My Little Pony. Homo-Noobus lacks the ability to adapt to its opponent. Even if a Noob see the attack coming they are not able to change their play styles and strategies to fit the current state of the match. If a Noob can overcome the mental block then they could be on their way to evolution..
The Inability to Progress their Metagame [MN]
Homo-Noobus cannot progress in any way and this fits largely with the Inability to Adapt. Just like Ganondorf can not progress from one end of the stage to the other a Noob can not learn new techniques. This is because of three things.
The Inability to Research [RN]
The Noob knows no way to acquire new techniques because they lack the ability to research. Research is an important part of progressing. When I first heard the term ISJR used I had no idea what it meant but after I looked for a thread on the subject I brought my knowledge of this technique from zero to complete. A Noob does not have the ability to research unfamiliar terms because they do not have the knowledge of sites like SmashWiki, SmashBoards, BrawlCentral or even Gamefaqs. To add to this they rely on things like the Prima guide to give them info about the game, believing that there is no more to learn.
Inability to Utilize Techniques [UN]
To a Noob a technique that is shown to them is like the ultimate win strategy. If a Noob learns a technique like snakedashing or something like that that will be all that they do. They do this because do to the Inability to Research the Noob lacks the necessary knowledge to utilize a tech effectively. If a Noob figures out how to use a tech correctly then they will most likely want to try to learn other techs, bringing them much closer into evolving into another species.
The Inability to Follow Advice [FN]
Giving advice to a Noob is pointless because it always falls on deaf ears (if they have any). The only words that they hear are compliments. The Noob does not take advice or criticism because they think that they have maxed out the potential of the game and think that they can get no better. A Noob that learns to take advice is on the way to something better.
The Inability to be Patient [PN]
Noobs are inherently compulsive and reckless, jumping headlong into the most obvious attacks. They waste no time learning things or planning ahead they just go and fight. Often with spammy consequences. A few qualities that fall under this category are the Inability to Practice and the Need for Quick Rewards.
The Inability to Practice [IN]
Perhaps I should rename this quality to be ‘The Inability to Practice Correctly’ because Noobs ‘practice’ alright. They practice spamming and be hit by predictable attacks. The common Noob often says proudly “jqwhevfr,jhqg,rfg,wrjbf,arjgf,.wkrgqkudygf,majegf,ajfg,jfgqjhgf!!!!!!!!111” Correctly translated this states “I can beat Level 9 CPUs with all Golden Hammer and Smash Balz with 99 stock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111”
First of all we know that anyone can beat a Level 9. We also know that this is not the correct way to practice. The Noob doesn’t practice because he doesn’t know how to. If a Noob learns to practice properly he is much closer to evolution.
The Need for Quick Rewards [NN]
Many have noticed that the Noobs often spam things such as F-Smash or things like that. The reason is because the Noob is addicted to the rush they get when they get a KO. They have to spam powerful moves in order to get that rush many times in quick succession. Their Need for Quick Rewards turns them away from characters like Snake who do not have a spammy F-Smash or characters that require a certain amount of technical skill to play. In stead they tend to like characters like Ike that fit the bill for quick rewards.
One of the few characters that I’ve found that both Noobs and the rest of the Smash players consider is good is Pit. Probably because of his ease of use.
If a Noob can play slower and more patiently he can definitely become a better player.
Conclusion: Are You a Noob? [CN]
Technically this entire essay could have been written out like this.
Need for Quick Rewards
Overly Compulsive
Objective to Progress
Bad at Adapting
N.O.O.B
However then it wouldn’t have served its purpose of try to bore you with its long-windedness. The point of this is to try and define the qualities that make us Noobs and to try and identify the points that we should work on to avoid de-evolution.
If you are a Noob who is reading this then you probably didn’t because of your lack of patience and the Need for Quick Rewards. Of course this would also be progressing your Metagame. Just know that if you follow the steps above and level up after or before noon you will evolve into Homo-Melees or Homo-Casualos respectively.
The Most pressing question at the end of this is definitely one that is hard to answer for some of us. The question stands as thus.
Are You A Noob?
If you or someone you love is suffering from Noob syndrome call 1-800-P.R.O.J.E.C.T-N.O.O.B and they might be accepted for extensive medical research!
If you liked this post your comments, concerns and/or spam. If this is in the wrong section I’m sorry. I thought that this would be the best place to put it.
Only a few Noobs were tortured, cut open or dipped in toxic waste during the making of this post. Thank you!
