Tarv
Smash Journeyman
With so many people wanting to improve their game and with Apex 2015 right around the corner I thought I'd share my secrets to being a true champion.
First and foremost, you must remove the entirely false idea that you need a controller to play. A true champion stares at his opponent at an uncomfortably close distance until they are forced to admit defeat. Some will insist that you need a controller to play, ignore these people. A true champion has no time for negativity.
Secondly, you must money match everyone. Let me repeat for those of you who do not understand: Money match everyone. EVERYONE. Let's take a look at two interactions, one from a regular player and one from a true champion:
- Regular Player is visiting his family during the holidays.
Grandpa: Merry Christmas Regular Player
Regular Player: Merry Christmas Grandpa
This was a missed opportunity to improve their skill, shame on you Regular Player, shame on you. Let's see how a true champion handles the situation:
Grandpa: Merry Christmas True Champion
True Champion: Shut up and Money Match Me Scrub! *throws down a stack of money*
Now THAT's what I call a true champion. Even if the person has never played smash, doesn't know what a video game is or doesn't want anything to do with you, you must money match them. Even if they are a cat, you must money match them. No johns.
Now that you've started to think like a champion you must prepare your mental state before the match. The best way to do this is to rock back and forth in your chair, front to back or side to side while screaming at the the top of your lungs "MY BODY IS READY!! MY BODY IS READY!!" Over and over again. A T.O. may ask you to calm down or face disqualification but remember a true champion has no time for negativity; money match them.
Once you are in the proper mental state it is time to start the match. Selecting a character isn't important and you can select any character you want just so long as the character is Gengar. Next will be the tradition of stage selection. In order to pick the best stage you must sprinkle ashes from a goat sacrifice in a circle and toss the bones of a man from an unmarked grave. Study how the bones fall, listen to them while mumbling the mantra "this is what I wanted from Apex, this is what I wanted from apex" They will tell you the correct stage to strike to. If your opponent tries to tell you that the stage you picked isn't tournament legal or doesn't exist in the game tell them that you watched the documentary and that Isai was the best. They'll probably ask you what that has to do with anything. Tell them to check their privilege and that you are a true champion who doesn't have time for negativity.
Finally, turn towards your opponent. It's not enough merely to move your head but you must turn your entire chair towards them and stare. Be unrelenting in your stare tactics. Try to stare a hole right through their skull. They will give up and immediately respect you as the better player.
If you do these things you'll be a true champion in no time.
First and foremost, you must remove the entirely false idea that you need a controller to play. A true champion stares at his opponent at an uncomfortably close distance until they are forced to admit defeat. Some will insist that you need a controller to play, ignore these people. A true champion has no time for negativity.
Secondly, you must money match everyone. Let me repeat for those of you who do not understand: Money match everyone. EVERYONE. Let's take a look at two interactions, one from a regular player and one from a true champion:
- Regular Player is visiting his family during the holidays.
Grandpa: Merry Christmas Regular Player
Regular Player: Merry Christmas Grandpa
This was a missed opportunity to improve their skill, shame on you Regular Player, shame on you. Let's see how a true champion handles the situation:
Grandpa: Merry Christmas True Champion
True Champion: Shut up and Money Match Me Scrub! *throws down a stack of money*
Now THAT's what I call a true champion. Even if the person has never played smash, doesn't know what a video game is or doesn't want anything to do with you, you must money match them. Even if they are a cat, you must money match them. No johns.
Now that you've started to think like a champion you must prepare your mental state before the match. The best way to do this is to rock back and forth in your chair, front to back or side to side while screaming at the the top of your lungs "MY BODY IS READY!! MY BODY IS READY!!" Over and over again. A T.O. may ask you to calm down or face disqualification but remember a true champion has no time for negativity; money match them.
Once you are in the proper mental state it is time to start the match. Selecting a character isn't important and you can select any character you want just so long as the character is Gengar. Next will be the tradition of stage selection. In order to pick the best stage you must sprinkle ashes from a goat sacrifice in a circle and toss the bones of a man from an unmarked grave. Study how the bones fall, listen to them while mumbling the mantra "this is what I wanted from Apex, this is what I wanted from apex" They will tell you the correct stage to strike to. If your opponent tries to tell you that the stage you picked isn't tournament legal or doesn't exist in the game tell them that you watched the documentary and that Isai was the best. They'll probably ask you what that has to do with anything. Tell them to check their privilege and that you are a true champion who doesn't have time for negativity.
Finally, turn towards your opponent. It's not enough merely to move your head but you must turn your entire chair towards them and stare. Be unrelenting in your stare tactics. Try to stare a hole right through their skull. They will give up and immediately respect you as the better player.
If you do these things you'll be a true champion in no time.
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