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The Invincible Suit (Chapter 1 - Revisions in Process)

Jazzy Jinx

♥♪!?
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Jun 22, 2006
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Yes, for the eight-billionth time, I've decided to repost this. I swear there won't be anymore though. I'm just going to revise this mutha until I get it right. I'm still not that great a writer so I could use some tips if you've got the time. I'm going to redo the plane scene so don't fret about that.

HOPEFULLY, you'll read this, and prayfully enjoy it. If it still sucks then whatever... I'm trying at least. So here you go, the whole of chapter 1. By the way, chapter 1 is 19 pages long in 12-point, Times New Roman so you may want to get some popcorn.

---

Color Code:

Red = Glossary Term
Green = Character Biography
Blue = Map Location

These three things will be found in the back of the book in the "Extras" section.

Synopsis: The story is set several thousands of years into the future and the world has become a very different place. New races have formed over the years and magical and technological breakthroughs are at a peak. The continents struggle for world dominance to determine who should control the limited power remaining on a now desolate world.

The bloodiest war is fought between the humans and the mucklings, a new race of alligator hybrids, as they control the only two superpowers on the planet. In an attempt to limit casualties and economic downfall, the government of the Great Lands has issued a project to create a weapon of mass destruction known as the Invincible Suit that would succeed in wiping all the mucklings out in one fell swoop.

Several characters come together and cross their histories here in this story but they all have one thing in common, that suit. Prepare to enjoy a story with several characters each with fleshed out traits, personalities, and histories.

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Chapter 1: Legacy

Sirens broke the silence of whatever peaceful solitude the night held with alarms that engrossed adrenaline and fear. Redwood City became completely active before the veil of darkness could be lifted from the sky. Though it was just a weekly drill, the tension and anxiousness of the general masses forced them to remain awake for the rest of the night calling for a very unpleasant day to follow.

Fear was seldom absent from anyone. Everyone knew that the mucklings were advancing and they were not exempt from their rage. A battle spanning centuries was gradually approaching what some believed was an end. However, things did not look good for the humans. An end to the war was pleasant to all but an end involving their annihilation was a possibility and everyone feared it.

The Council of Kingdoms demoted from history to legend and stories of peace on the continent at one time made people laugh half-heartedly. This pipe dream of an alliance among kingdoms seemed like an unreachable goal in that nobody could really see it come true. So the council was forgotten and the people could only dream of a world at peace. Their sad realization was that peace was only a dream.

Two brothers jumped up at the sound of the loud sirens and fell on each other, stumbling to recollect their balance. The younger of the two, Ski, pronounced Sky, was 16 years old and the other, Brad, who’s nickname was Man since he was so muscular as a child, was 20 years old. They both had short brown hair that was untamed and they both lived on their own since their parents died in a plane explosion. It had been ten years since the anniversary of their parents’ deaths.

“Great, now I’ll never get back to sleep, this is really freaking great,” complained Ski walking into the kitchen to fix a sandwich, “every week it’s the same **** thing. If I ever hear another siren I’m going to put a bullet through my head!”

“Ah, well at least they aren’t ringing it at midnight anymore. Now they’re doing it at four in the morning,” said Man slowly crawling out of bed and grabbing his pants on the chair near him.

“It’s like they want us to wake up early in the morning now. What the hell do they want from us! This isn’t a freaking boot camp!”

“Honestly Ski, you complain too much. If it was a real drill then I would be scared out of my mind. God knows that if they didn’t do these tests we would sleep through the sirens.”

“Yeah, yeah. So are we going to Don’s Gym today?” asked Ski while grabbing a butter knife to spread mayonnaise on his sandwich.

“Probably,” replied Man still trying to get his belt on.

“In that case we need to go do something fun before it opens at six. I don’t want to go through this day doing nothing but working out. Now where is the tuna…?”

“Like what? Wednesdays were never meant to be fun.”

Ski examined the inside of the refrigerator closely until he found an empty jar of tuna. “Man, how are you going to put an empty jar of tuna in the fridge? Come on!”

“It isn’t empty, they still have some in there. Just scrape the sides.”

“Scrape the sides? They don’t have any freaking tuna on the sides! We never have any food around here.”

“Complaining, complaining, that’s all I ever hear from you, Ski…”

“Forget this, let’s go to the Breakfast Buffet and eat there. It’s ridiculous that we never have anything to eat around here.”

“Do you have some Breakfast Buffet money?”

Ski shot Man a cold glance the second he heard this. “So you’re saying we don’t have any money now? Where did all that cash we got yesterday go!?”

“Bills, bills, and more bills. Times are rough. Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“Bills? Which bills?”

“Well let me see, electric, water, air conditioning…”

“Come on man! Are you saying we’re not going to eat this morning? Again!”

“Pft. Those bums on the street waving their hats around for loose change are getting it easier than us,” said Man in a colder voice. He wanted to agree with Ski but tried to remain optimistic at times.

Ski sighed deeply. He was becoming agitated that no matter how hard they worked, they still couldn’t get their meals on time. The world didn’t want young and inexperienced workers like themselves though. It wanted only the best. Everyone else had it rough.

“So what now?” asked Ski depressed and defeated.

“You have a slice of bread with mayonnaise on it. Eat that.”

Ski’s anger receded and he glanced at his slice of bread. He really didn’t want to eat it but he knew he had no choice. “We need some freaking tuna…”

Ski took once last look at his slice of bread and tried to envision the tuna he so desperately craved before taking a large bite out of it. He sighed a little, “Well… at least we have bread.”

While Ski ate his bread in disgrace, Man pulled out a jar of tuna from underneath his bed, “Heh heh, thank God for the secret stash.”

Once the two of them were done with preparations, they left out of their home in a hurry. They had already wasted an hour away so they only had one more hour left of free time before their arduous training regime began.

“Come on… We can at least hang out at the park,” began Ski, “They can’t charge you for sitting around…”

As the two brothers walked through the park on a small path, a man completely concealed in a brown cloak passed them by. He gave off an ominous aura as Ski felt a chill run up his spine in fear. He turned to watch the man walk away slowly.

“That guy…,” Ski choked, “He… He’s insane…”

“What are you talking about, Ski? He’s just some freak in a cloak. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I’m serious… I felt like I just encountered a near death experience or something… He’s… a demon or something.”

Man sighed deeply. “Look, I think you’re just tired. He was just some freak of nature. Who the hell wears a cloak? Come on… Let’s sit down and relax some.”

Ski was still shaking uncontrollably as he tried to steady his body. He sat down but he still couldn’t blink. Meanwhile, the man walked into a nearby bar and took a seat.

“Good morning, sir. May I see some identification? It’s just so I can know if you’re not under aged or anything.”

“I’m seventeen years old,” replied the teen in a cold voice.

The bartender sighed. “Well then… You can’t have anything to drink.” The cloaked teen tossed a card on the counter and the bartender picked it up.

“You… You’re… Ron Avants of the Special Forces!?!” nearly yelled the bartender in shock.

“Yes… Now about that drink,” replied Ron in an ever ominous matter.

“Right away, sir!”

As the bartender ran to get Ron a drink, Ron looked down at his right hand. His eye glittered as if begging for a tear to drop but no matter what he seemed to lack the ability to cry. The air became cold as he sighed in grief.

Ron put his left hand on his forehead and massaged it roughly and seemed to sigh deeply. He got a small headache as a few memories came to him. They were painted vividly and stuck out in his head.

“Ron! Ron! Wake up!” shouted a man shaking Ron.

“Do what…? Oh, my apologies Blade. I dozed off after working out.”

Ron took a quick look at Blade. He wore black pants and a black shirt and his short hair was colored black. At his side was a sheath holding the legendary Phantom Sword. Blade was a member of the Special Forces, an elite division of the army and Ron was vastly envious of him and his talents. He served as Blade’s apprentice.

“That’s fine… You work so much harder than everyone else around here…,” started Blade as he sat down next to Ron, “You know… I’m proud of you, Ron. You’re like a son to me…”

The bartender placed the glass of beer next to Ron which snapped him out of his daze.

“Oh… Thanks.” He grabbed it and took a sip but then continued rubbing his head as he sighed again in grief.

“Why did you do it, Blade? Why? Was everything you ever told me just a lie?”

Ron chugged down the glass of beer and then yelled at the bartender to bring him another. He wanted nothing more than to forget it all. He just wanted to sit there and drown himself in his own sorrows.

“Like a son? Those words ring though my head… and I was fool enough to believe them…,” sighed Ron impatiently waiting for his next glass as he began scratching the countertop.

Ski and Man sat down on a bench in the park and Ski was still shaking from the encounter.

“What’s wrong, Ski? I’ve never seen you like this.”

“I don’t know why but when I saw that man, the only thing I could think of was death. This feeling hurts. It reminds me that we can die whenever and none of us are immortal. Even me and you are going to die one day! I don’t know… It just frightens me,” responded Ski.

“So? That just means we should make the best of life while we’re here. There’s no reason we should fear death,” replied Man.

“I don’t fear my own death it’s just, mom and dad are… dead now. They’ve been dead and I still can’t forget them. You do realize that if God doesn’t exist, then their existences are gone forever. I don’t know how to put this into words but, it’s like they just didn’t matter if that’s the case. It’s like none of us matter. Do we even have a purpose for living?”

“Don’t talk like that, Ski! They did matter and so do we. Our purpose for living is our ties and bonds to others. As long as we remember mom and dad, as long as they’re in our hearts, their existences will never be extinguished.”

“That’s very poetic Man but I just don’t know… I don’t think I ever will either.”

“Well… This really is something you have to come to terms with on your own. Just know that I’ll always be by your side, little bro. You don’t have to feel scared at all.”

Ski’s mood lightened up and he started to laugh. “You? Stick up for me? Ha! When was the last time you did me a favor?” This statement made Man’s mood switch to disgust.

“Hey you little punk! I DO help you out regularly! It’s not like you pay for the bills by yourself!”

“Yeah right! You do that for yourself more than you do it for me! You have to do it!”

“You’re nothing but a dumb jerk, you know that!”

“I’m just following your example, big bro!”

Man stared at Ski with a very serious look on his face but then his anger slowly receded and then he started to laugh. “You know, Ski… We make one heck of a team…”

Ski laughed too. “Yeah, we sure do. Let’s go to the gym.”

The two brothers walked down the sidewalk and into town. A large dome a few blocks away could be seen in the distance; this place was Don’s Gym and the reason so many warriors get their training in Redwood City. It was the only thing that made Redwood City important at all otherwise it would be a city filled with nothing but poverty and crime.

Don was a man famous for his training of some of the most legendary fighters the world has ever seen. Still young, he has already etched his name in history as a legendary figure and is the pride of the people of Redwood. Something even more interesting is the fact that he has never been hit in a fight or battle.

While walking, Man noticed Ski was listening to an MP3 player. “Hey, where did you get that from?”

Ski jumped a little when he heard the question. He looked a bit worried but he replied, “I bought it. Why?”

“Where did you get the money for it?” Man asked with squinted eyes.

“Chill out, Man! I got it with my savings. It’s not like I stole it or something…”

Man looked at Ski with a look of suspicion on his face. “Really… I didn’t say anything about stealing…”

“I didn’t freaking steal it, Man!”

“Where do you keep your savings? I never saw you saving anything. You always waste your money away on junk food,” replied Man very quickly and seriously.

Ski looked at Man with a serious expression and replied, “In my sock. I hide all of my money in my sock.”

“Your sock? What the…”

“Oh come on, I’ve heard of weirder places to hide money,” replied Ski still slightly nervous. He didn’t want to continue the conversation but Man continued to drag it out.

“In your sock…”

“Yep. In my sock.”

“Oooook. Whatever then,” sighed Man, “so what are you listening to right now, anyway?”

“Ah, I’m listening to smooth jazz. It’s really relaxing and calming. It’s the closest thing I have to relaxation in this horrible city.”

“I didn’t know you were a fan of jazz. I guess you can learn something new about people after all…,” Man replied, actually surprised.

“Yep. It’s pretty good stuff. You should listen to it sometime.”

“I might listen to some of it later,” he replied. They walked for a little while longer, crossing a busy street and avoiding the oncoming traffic as best they could before walking slowly again on the other side of the street. The sun started to rise into the air signaling the day that was coming.

While they walked, Man thought about Ski’s new taste in jazz and started thinking about his parents. Then he remembered something. “Hey Ski, didn’t mom and dad listen to jazz?”

“Yeah they did. When they were still dating, they used to turn off all the lights, light some candles, and listen to jazz. Mom told me that once.”

“Eww… I hope that’s not how they… uh… got in the mood…”

Ski looked at Man with a look of shock on his face as he realized what Man meant by that. “Thanks a lot, Man. Now I’m off of jazz for life…”

Man started laughing. “Come on, Ski. Just because mom and dad used to be into that music in order to get done whatever they needed to get done doesn’t mean it isn’t still relaxing and you should stop listening to it.”

“I really hate you, Man. I severely hate you,” said Ski in a casual voice.

“Aw… You’re going to make your older brother cry…”

“I’ll give you a reason to cry! It involves your face and my fist!”

“Dim’s fighting words…,” stated Man as he got into a fighting stance.

“Grr! I’ll beat you down! The pavement will be jealous of how flat you are!” mocked Ski.

The two slap boxed for a bit before walking into the gym’s front yard. They quickly ran inside as they noticed they only had five minutes left before opening time and ran into the lockers to change into their gym shorts.

“Come on, Man! Let’s play basketball real quick before Don gets here,” yelled Ski as he grabbed one of the balls off the rack and started doing several tricks between his legs, “you’re going to lose so badly today.”

“Keep dreaming, Ski.”

The two brothers played around a bit and laughed as they enjoyed the day that they didn’t want to start at first. As they played, Ron was still at the bar and was starting to become intoxicated as he chugged his tenth beer.

He struggled to raise his hand and shouted, “…Another! Bring me another!”

The bartender looked at the drunk teen and said, “Sir… I think you may have had enough. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Ron got angry at this and grabbed him by the collar. “It’s not enough… I can still remember… These thoughts still keep coming… These memories still persist… Bring me another beer!”

The bartender looked surprised and scared. “I’m sorry, sir. But you’re really starting to get drunk. I don’t want any trouble.”

“If you don’t want any trouble than bring me another! I need another!” yelled Ron and then he punched the counter with his right hand which ripped his sleeve and revealed his metal arm. The hood fell off of his face and showed that his right eye was also mechanical and had a red bionic eye in its place.

When the bartender saw this, he almost went into shock and Ron’s mood quickly receded from anger to embarrassment as the people in the bar stared at his mechanical parts in fear. He tugged at the torn cloth and tried to conceal his mechanical arm once more. He could hear the people around him whisper to themselves and sweat ran down his cheek.

After seemingly freezing, he stumbled out of the chair and ran out the door and quickly into the back alley. There he fell over and landed on his face.

“Why Blade… Why did you do this to me… Why…,” he muttered under his breath, “Why!”

Ron could feel a steady stream of tears come out of his left eye and then he pulled himself up and sat against a wall. He ran his hand through his brown hair and stopped crying almost immediately and then he looked to the morning sky filled with purples and oranges.

“The memories still keep coming… I’ll never forget them no matter how much I want to…,” he sighed under his breath, “Blade… You were like a father to me… So why did you do this to me? Why did you try and kill me that day… I really believed in you…”

Ron’s mind was pierced with an unbelievable pain and his stomach wrenched tightly. He could feel the sweat continue running down his neck and he quickly fell to his knees and began to vomit on the ground from too much alcohol. Then he coughed and rubbed his left eye very hard.

“He cut my arm off and didn’t even change his expression… He didn’t care about me at all… He used me… I’m nothing to him…,” Ron sighed, “Nothing at all… Nothing…”

He leaned back against the wall and stared at his mechanical arm. It glittered as the sunlight began beating down on it and as he moved his fingers, he could hear the joints scrape against one another. Ron’s mind went blank as he stared at his hand and he slowly closed his eyes.

“You’re like a son to me…,” thought Ron. The words rang through his mind constantly like a bad dream. He couldn’t grasp the sentence at all even though it ran through his head several times. He felt like the life he had with Blade was all a dream and that it wasn’t possible that it could have ever been real.

Ron took one last look at the morning sky before closing his eyes and falling half asleep. The sun beat down on his skin and he could feel a pleasant warmth as he basked in the rays. Memories of his past slowly came back to him in a steady stream.

“A son?,” asked Ron confused after Blade made the statement, “why would I be like a son to you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s just, I never really had a child to call my own. The girl of my dreams was… taken from this world all too early… definitely too early…”

Ron sat up and became attentive as Blade began speaking, “Who was she?”

“She was… the perfect girl… perfect in all ways if you can imagine that. She had beauty, smarts, kindness, all of it,” stated Blade. He paused for a moment and seemed to look off into space but then he began speaking again, “Her name was… Maria…”

“We grew up together in Redwood. I think I was seven and she was six when we first met. Yep, we went to school together all the way from elementary to high school and then to college. Heh, I remember this time I asked her out to the high school prom and I ended up making a total fool of myself. I wore this white tuxedo with the little pink flower clip or whatever and there was this punch bowl that everybody got their drinks out of and I ended up tripping and falling head first into the punch bowl. Got my tuxedo all pink and everything. People started laughing and I just froze up but she didn’t laugh and even came up to me and started wiping away some of the punch that had gotten on my face. Oh man… those were better times…”

“Ha ha… Who would have thought that you could be so clumsy. You always seem so balanced,” responded Ron trying to suppress his laughter.

“Nah, I was balanced back then too but I was so nervous because even though we grew up together that was the first time I was able to work up the courage to ask her out and I ended up doing the opposite of what I wanted to do which was to look cool and totally win her over,” responded Blade smiling himself.

“At least you half succeeded. You won her over.”

“I did eventually but I didn’t do it that night. It was sometime in college after we went out for a couple of years when I finally won her over. I had been studying martial arts and I could do all these cool tricks and whatever so I called her out to come by this tree on our campus and I did this front flip out of the tree right into a kneeling position and proposed.”

“Heh, you sure you didn’t stumble?”

“Nope. I was smooth that time and then she said yes and I screamed like a girl because I had finally won the girl of my dreams for life,” responded Blade. His smile quickly vanished though as he said, “or… at least I thought she would be with me for life…”

Ron also turned serious and gulped as he asked, “How did she die?”

Blade sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “You know… there are people in this world that are just plain crazy. They have no goals in life and simply do things to cause everyone else around them sorrow. I guess…,” he paused, “I guess she was just another victim of this kind of person…”

“Do you know who killed her?”

“Renock. General Adam P. Renock of the Fourth Division. The first super soldier…”

Ron snapped out of his dream as a stray dog began licking his face. He nearly jumped up as he felt the cold tongue hit his cheek. He stared at the dog and began petting it lightly on the head with his right hand but the dog bit his hand. It whimpered and then ran off.

“I guess my strokes were too rough… my hand is made of metal now after all…,” sighed Ron.

He forced himself to get up and then struggled to balance himself as he walked out of the alley, stumbling along the way.

“I guess I’ll go home and take a nap or something… No point in staying at this dump all day…”

Man dunked on Ski and started laughing as he said, “Game point!”

“Whatever! That was a foul!” complained Ski.

“No it wasn’t. You just suck, that’s all.”

“I wasn’t trying! If I was then you would have lost so badly! You just got lucky is all!”

“You must never try since I beat you all the time…,” mocked Man in a sarcastic voice.

Just as the brothers were about to continue their squabble, the door flew open and a very muscular man walked in from out of the brightness. He was a black man and wore black pants, a white muscle shirt, and a black due rag. A short metal pole could be seen strapped to his back by a slender cloth that rapped around his chest at a diagonal angle that was shaded a subdued red. The pole itself was a shiny gray and sparkled in the light.

“Oh hey, Don. How have you been?” asked Man.

“I’ve been better… I just found out that my mom is in critical condition back in Silver Town. I’m going to close down the gym for a while to go and see her.”

“What!? Aunt Tina is in critical condition!?” nearly yelled Ski.

“Yeah… I’m worried about her. This is the third time she’s been in critical condition this year. Things aren’t getting any better either…”

“Hmm… We’ll go with you. We should probably head out right now.”

“That’s exactly why I came here. I wanted to get you two and then leave immediately. I already have three plane tickets ready for us.”

“Ah crap… I can’t believe she’s this sick… She looked so healthy last time I saw her… She’s going to be alright, right?”

“I don’t know about that… That’s why we’re leaving to go to see her,” replied Don in a low voice, “I don’t know what we can do… I’ve never felt so powerless before… I know everyone dies but…”

“It’s a pain that never goes away,” stated Ski with a sad look on his face, “Uh, sorry about that… It’s just… I just can’t see a way we can make this any better other than spending time with her to maybe make her death more peaceful…”

“Shut up, Ski! You’re such an inconsiderate jerk!” yelled Man.

“Nah… He’s right… She’s on her death bed and we can’t do anything about it,” said Don turning around to face the door, “we should go.”

The brothers felt an awkward silence as they slowly followed Don out the door. In no time, they were all on the plane. During the car drive to the air port, not a single word was muttered. They took their seats in the ever ominous silence.

Ski looked out the windows and watched as the clouds floated slowly through the air as they passed them by. Cars on the ground looked like little toys driving along small roads. He closed his eyes and tried to ease his tension by relaxing. But then his thoughts shifted.

“This is how they died…,” he thought to himself, “in a plane crash.”

Ski soon got a headache and tried easing up once more but to no avail. “My dad was… a super soldier… like Renock. He was the better fighter, right? So why did he die?” he continued thinking. Then memories of that day came rushing back.

“Hey dad! What’s Redwood like? Is it a fun place?” asked a young Ski.

“Of course it is. They have a park and great restaurants and a cool gym too!”

“Ah… A gym?”

“Yep. I’ll be spending most of my time there,” replied the father, who‘s name was also Ski.

“I will too! I’m going to become big and strong just like you, dad! Watch me… I might even become stronger than you!”

“Haha… I won’t doubt it, son.”

“Hey dad… can you tell me how you became a super soldier again?” asked Man.

“Yeah sure. As you know, General Renock betrayed us once he became a super soldier. He was originally intended to be our secret weapon and was going to destroy all the Mucklings in one fell swoop so we wouldn’t lose more lives. Now he’s trying to take over the Great Lands and we have to stop him so I volunteered to become a super soldier.”

“Yeah but… I heard there are differences between your form of super soldier and his.”

“That’s right. Renock is known as a Complete Super Soldier which means he can use Instant Repair, a skill that lets him regenerate parts of his body and vital organs. I am an Incomplete Super Soldier which means I don’t have that trait but I can control my power a lot easier and I don’t have the hormonal imbalance that he does.”

“This is making my head hurt… I don’t get all this sciencey stuff.”

“Basically, if he is hurt then he can be healed instantly but he’s crazy. I can’t heal fast but I’m not crazy.”

“Oh, Ok. I think I sort of get it now…”

“Ah, you really don’t have to know any of this stuff anyway. Just know that you’re father is strong and will always be here to protect you.”

“Of course I know that, dad! You’d never let us down,” replied Ski ever cheerful.

Man rubbed his head in confusion and asked, “But why did Renock turn bad? Wasn’t he a good guy?”

Ski Sr. looked forward as if glaring through the seat in front of him and was lost in thought. After a few seconds of silence he finally said, “He was a good guy…,” started Ski before abruptly pausing again, “but those experiments… the things they did to him during the testing stages… his mind couldn’t handle it and he went unstable…”

Man was nearly struck with fear from hearing this but listened attentively anyway. “He decided that because his power was nearly unrivaled it means that he is a god and should be treated as such. He believes all other beings are beneath him. Sad thing is… he used to be so much better and kinder than he is now… if only we could save him now…”

After hearing this, Man felt kind of nervous to ask anymore questions so he remained quiet. Ski Sr. turned to his son and noticed that the story had depressed him so he stroke his hair and told him, “Ah, don’t worry, Man. These things just happen sometimes but I’ll always be there to protect you and I know that if I fail, you’ll take my place as the protector of our family and I trust that you’ll succeed at anything no matter what you do.”

“But how can I live up to your example?” he wondered.

“Don’t doubt yourself, Man. I know Ski will be strong some day but you…,” he paused, “you have a different power… One that not even I can match. If you just remember who your family is, then we will never have to worry even if I die.”

“A different power? What?”

“Oh nothing… That’s just me trying to be dramatic I guess…”

Man felt kind of awkward after hearing this and the words, “if you just remember who your family is” kept ringing through his head. After a while though, he eased up and forgot about it.

After a short amount of time had passed, the family’s plane experienced heavy turbulence. The captain came on the intercom to try and lighten things up. “This is the captain speaking, we seem to have undergone some turbulence and…,” he was interrupted by a huge explosion, “Dear sweet Jesus, the right engine is on fire!”

“What!?” yelled everyone almost simultaneously. Everyone began panicking but Ski (senior) rose out of his seat real quick and looked out the door. He saw a huge and muscular man ripping away at the right engine as if he was digging through trash.

Seeing this, Ski opened up the door and was about to jump on to the wing until he felt Ski tugging at his pants. “Dad! Don’t do it! Don’t go out there!”

Ski looked his son in the eyes with a look of content and rubbed his head. “I’m sorry Ski, but I have to go. If not, we’ll all end up dead. I’m the only one that can stop him.”

Ski Jr. started crying heavily but his father couldn’t do anything about it so he just hugged him one last time and whispered, “I’m sorry” into his ear.

After that, he jumped unto the plane wing and then walked up to the man without being blown away by the speed of the plane. Since he was a super soldier, he could stand on the wing without feeling the turbulence or being thrown off. The man before him rose and began to speak.

“Haven’t seen you in a while Ski, leader of the Special Forces.”

“Haven’t seen you either Renock, ex-general of the Fourth Division.”

“Heh heh… You know why I’m here. Hand it over.”

“Hand what over?” replied Ski remaining serious.

“Don’t play dumb with me. This isn’t some fairy tale story where the hero makes a dramatic appearance and beats the big bad villain. You know what happened to General Richard after he refused to give me the orb and he was ten times the hero you are. Now give me that **** orb before you really piss me off.”

“I can’t give you the orb…,” started Ski before pausing. He laughed a little to himself before replying, “…it’s in my sock.”

“What? In your sock! Then go get your freaking sock and bring me that orb!”

Ski leapt forward and punched Renock square in the face which sent him back a few feet. “No. You’re not getting the orb and you’re not going to be an issue after this day. I’m killing you, Renock. The world doesn’t need traitorous *******s like you.”

Renock cracked his neck and looked at Ski. He shook his head with his eyes close and then walked forward casually. “You know… You could have made this easy but you just had to screw it all up. Now I’m going to torture you and do stuff to your precious family. You know as well as I do that a mere half-super can’t stand against a full-super.”

“I won’t let you lay a single dirty finger on any of my family members. You’ll be dead before you hit the ground.”

Renock laughed and then swiftly delivered an uppercut that was so hard it sent Ski flying. Ski did a back flip unto the roof of the plane and then stared at Renock who was still laughing. He placed his hand behind his back and started gathering energy in his palm.

“What’s the matter Ski? Are you going to perch up there all day? Are you afraid of heights?” taunted Renock. Ski said nothing. “You know… This entire planet will hail me one day… You know it’s true. My power is a kind that can not be rivaled or matched. It will only grow and grow and grow to the point where even the army will give up and kneel before my greatness. It’ll be the only thing they can do to save themselves from total annihilation. I just have to wait and watch and prepare myself to take my rightful place as ruler of this pathetic rock you call Earth.”

“It’s almost as if you view yourself as a king, Renock…”

“King? How insulting. No… Kings don’t possess the kind of power I have… I’m a god!”

“I think the power has gone to your head. Maybe you had a rough childhood and got picked on a lot or maybe you don’t have any friends and want to be noticed but there is no way in hell that someone like you could ever be a god. You merely wish that were true but even you know that you are nothing but a worm that’s going to be stepped on one day. And you know what, Renock? If I don’t beat you today then the person that takes you out is going to be someone you know. Nobody is going to follow you, they’ll backstab you the second the opportunity is ripe.”

“I have no need for followers… only slaves to worship my image and do my will.”

“Too bad you’ll be too busy rotting in hell, huh?” said Ski before throwing the energy ball he formed in his hand at his chest which sent him flying off the wing. Renock fell fast, twisting and bending along the way.

Ski’s daughter, Sally, looked out the window in shock. She was sitting on her mother, Julia’s, lap at the time. “I’m scared mommy!”

Julia didn’t say anything. She was in pure shock and couldn’t believe what was going on. Ski sat on top of the plane and breathed heavily and held his hand. Gathering that much energy took a lot of him and he didn’t know if he would be able to stay balanced much longer.

“My hand… no, my whole body… is shaking uncontrollably. I don’t think I can get back inside…”

Sally tugged at Julia’s shirt wondering why she wouldn’t respond. “It’s ok, darling. You’re father is going to be just fine. Everything is going to be ok, I promise.”

“But… I’m scared.”

“Don’t be, baby. You’re father would never let us down, right?”

“No…”

“There… It’s ok, sweetheart. Everything is going to be just fine.”

After perching for about five minutes, Ski jumped back down on the wing and stretched. He laid down and tried to ease his muscles back up.

“Freaking psycho. What scares me the most is that he really thinks he’s a god. That’s what happens when you get too much power. You start thinking you’re the most important thing around and start going crazy. How pathetic…”

Man and Ski Jr. looked out the window and saw Ski on the wing. “Yeah! Dad did it!” they cheered, “he beat that creep like he was nothing!”

Sally was still nervous but she did smile a little and Julia felt relieved. The two brothers jumped around wildly as they rejoiced in their father’s victory. This celebration was cut short, however, when the right wing blew completely off.

Renock had flown through the wing and completely blown it off. The plane itself started to go down and fast followed by a trail of smoke. Panic swiftly returned to everyone on-board. Julia jumped up and grabbed her kids and then found them a few parachutes. The entire plane was painted in red as the warning lights went off like crazy.

All three of the children were crying as Julia tried to calm them down. “Look Man. I need you to be strong for me right now. We only have two parachutes and I want you to hold your brother, Ski, and jump. I can’t hold all three of you so I’m going to jump with Sally. Please, darling, I don’t want you to be scared right now.”

Man was frightened about everything that was going on but Julia gave her son a quick kiss on the forehead and then slipped the orb in his pocket without him noticing. “Be brave. Remember, you’re Man. I know you’re the strongest kid I’ve ever seen.”

Man shook his head without saying anything but quickly cried and said, “I love you, mom” before hugging her.

Ski Sr. was thrown pretty far from the sudden explosion but he floated in mid-air and watched as the plane went downward. He freaked and flew as fast as he could underneath the plane and tried lifting it from below.

He lifted it several feet into the air and tried to steady it as best he could. This shook everyone on-board up a little.

“What’s going on!?” they all screamed but Julia knew what was happening.

“Alright, you’re father is lifting the plane right now but I know he isn’t going to be able to for long so I need you to jump now, Man. Please hurry!”

Man was extremely nervous but he shook his head and tugged Ski away from their mother whom he was holding tightly. Being pulled away sent Ski into a rage of tears but they both took one last look and jumped together. The second she saw them parachute, she gave Sally the other parachute and walked with her towards the exit.

Suddenly, Renock sent a massive energy ball in Ski’s direction that blew up on impact. The explosion not only hit Ski but affected the plane too as the ceiling collapsed separating Sally from Julia. She ran to where Julia was and placed her hand through the debris trying to reach her.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

Julia grabbed her hand and rubbed it. “I’m sorry, Sally but I can’t come with you now. Please, use that parachute and jump while you still can!”

“No! Not without you mom, please no! Not without you!”

“Sally! You have to leave now! Don’t worry about me. You’re father will save us all. Please, please go.”

Sally couldn’t stop crying. The blast had weakened Ski’s grip on the plane and it tilted a little but he quickly steadied it again. That energy ball had ripped up his skin and weakened him deeply though and he coughed up some blood.

“I refuse to let my family down. Come on Julia. Get Sally and get the hell off this plane! I already saw Ski and Man jump, now you do it! Please hurry it up!”

Renock laughed as he floated through the air casually and watched Ski struggle to lift the plane. “Maybe you should take some more vitamins, Ski. You look pretty weak right now.”

Five minutes past but it felt like an eternity as Sally took one last tearful look at her mother and jumped with the parachute. She never stopped crying though. Julia remained on-board and curled up into a ball as she felt herself getting colder. Everyone else on the plane had either jumped or were dead or knocked out. She was the only living soul left.

“What!?” screamed Ski in his head, “only Sally? Where’s my wife? Where’s Julia?”

Renock noticed this too and didn’t waste any time in taunting him. “You’re beautiful bride is still on board. Maybe she was knocked unconscious by that blast or can’t get past some debris or something. Wouldn’t it be unfortunate if she died at such a young age? I might even cry myself…”

“You shut the hell up! I won’t let you kill her!”

“You can’t do anything to stop me. Determination will only get you so far. But don’t worry, Ski. I won’t let you die until you see your children burn as well…,” threatened Renock before turning to see Sally parachute, “starting with your precious little girl.”

Renock flew towards Sally which completely shocked Ski. He threw the plane as high as he could into the air and flew after him before he could reach her parachute. Renock didn’t get to her in time before being hit across the side of the face but one of Ski’s powerful kicks.

The plane began falling again and Ski could only watch as it fell. “Sucks doesn’t it? Seeing her die like this…,” mumbled Renock while wiping some blood from his lips. Before Ski could react, Renock grabbed him by the throat and held him up.

He grabbed his neck trying to loosen Renock’s grip but couldn’t break free. In desperation, he pulled out a knife from his back pocket that was coated with a serum capable of melting away a super soldier’s skin and without hesitation, he stabbed it into Renock’s heart and left it impaled there. Renock couldn’t rejuvenate his heart with the knife in the way so he let go of Ski and looked him in the face.

“You little… *******… But I won’t… die… not here… not ever…,” coughed Renock. He spat up some blood and slowly limped in mid-air. Before long he silently fell towards the ground. Ski didn’t have enough time to stab Renock and catch the plane again and he stared at the ground below.

The plane had crashed into the ground and caught fire. Seeing this, Ski freaked out and flew straight for the wreckage, crashing through the roof. Inside the flames he saw his wife under some debris and flew over to her quickly. He tried to lift the rubble but his body was too strained from the encounter with Renock so he fell by her side and looked her in the eyes and didn‘t say anything but the message was understood that he couldn‘t do anything to save them.

Julia rubbed his hair through the debris and whispered, “Are the kids safe?”

“Yeah, baby… Renock is dead and… the kids parachuted safely.”

“Then we’re going to die now?”

Ski clenched his heart and then buried his face in his hand. “I’m sorry but yeah…”

The flames burned even more wildly as the two exchanged final emotions. He wiped some dirt of her face and whispered, “I love you”.

She said “I love you” as well and motioned for him to give her one final kiss. They moved in, staring each other in the eyes and the second their lips touched the plane went up in flames. They’re lives ended in passion surrounded by flames. A sad air could be felt as Ski and Man hit the ground and they understood that they were alone after hearing the plane blow up in the distance. But then Ski (junior) was jerked out of his sleep when Man shook him awake.

“Ski! Ski! The hospital just called Don on his cell and I don’t think it’s good.”

Ski swiftly looked over at Don who was sitting right across from them and was still on the phone.

“Alright… Alright… Ok… No I understand… Thank you.”
Don hung up the phone and buried his face in his hands. The two brothers were nervous to ask him what happened until Man finally choked, “Is Aunt Tina alright?”

Don didn’t respond for a while but then he finally muttered, “She went into critical condition just now and there was nothing they could do for her…,” he whispered, “she’s dead.”

Silence filled the room as the three all felt a hole fill in their guts.
 

Jam Stunna

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I will definitely be reading this (probably Monday), but I can say just from skimming it that the colored words are very distracting.
 

Jazzy Jinx

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They're less distracting on Word.

I'm not sure if I'll keep them in the final version or just use them to make my searching easier when I make the Extras section before getting rid of them.
 

Eor

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If people have to constantly look stuff up, no one is going to care.

And never use multi-colored words, please. It's annoying to read.

I'll actually read all of it soon, because after treating you like a whipping boy, I feel guilty and need to do something nice
 

Jazzy Jinx

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I don't care for your pity.

I don't want you to read it unless you want to read it. Otherwise, I don't care for your opinion. And I'm so sorry if I don't feel like your whipping boy. Perhaps you should try harder? Or maybe you're trying too hard...

I'm not like I used to be. I can care less for anyone's opinion of me anymore. People can change ya'know... Maybe you should try it out yourself.

Edit: I'm sure this story would seem mediocre to you, anyway. Thanks for the time you were going to put in though.
 

Jam Stunna

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Okay, my thoughts:

1) This isn't too bad, but it's not too great either. One of your major problems (this is a fairly common problem on these boards, actually) is your wordiness. I read somewhere that you should try to eliminate at least one adjective from every sentence in your writing, and you could definitely benefit from this. If you can say the same thing in less words, than do it. Paint your reader a picture with effective descriptions, but don't bury them under flowery or unnecessary language.

2) Along these same lines, there are some phrases that you overuse in your writing: "one fell swoop", "ever ominous silence" and "The sun beat down on his skin" all appear in this story more than once. Try to use some variety with your phrasing.

3) Also, your shifts between Ski & Man and Ron are jarring. At least use a page break to let the reader know that you are switching characters and settings. And in a few places you switch between past tense (was) and present tense (is). Be sure to be careful of that.

4) There are some instances in the story that contradict your assertion that this is thousands of years in the future. Would a black guy really be wearing a "due-rag" in thousands of years? Would mp3 players still be around then?

5) NO PARENTHESIS! Never use parenthesis in a story.

6) Also, NEVER give a synopsis of your work. If you can sum it up your story in a few sentences, then why should I read the whole thing?

7) Finally, the colored text is really distracting. Please consider changing it.

All in all, this has potential, but it needs alot of work. I found the scene with the airplane to be the best, and that part was enjoyable. Just do some much-needed editing to this, and you should see a big improvement.
 

Eor

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To add what Jam said (I wasn't doing it out of pity, i was just trying to do something nice), I had trouble with your dialog.

“Haven’t seen you in a while Ski, leader of the Special Forces.”

“Haven’t seen you either Renock, ex-general of the Fourth Division.”
Like that. Is that really believable? Would you greet someone like that? It just seems out of place. Some other parts seem to just be unnatural. It seems too animeish to actually work as a story.

You have made a ton of improvements from your original work, so congrats on that.
 

AceMoney

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Hm.....new moderator? Coolness. Anyways, I guess this is a finished verison eh? I will definitely read through it sooooon. But yeah, skimming through it was pretty crazy. I saw christmas colors and blue balls everywhere. Haha, kidding. I understand what you're trying to do and unlike Eor, I actually approve of your refrence material. Perhaps you can leave out the in story coloring and add an extra post afterwards explaining a little something about each, or even begin a supplementary to your story. I think that would work out in the creative minds section if the mods allow. I don't see any reason why not. Plenty of great stories and works of fiction have supplements to help the reader better understand the message or image the writer is trying to portray, so I honestly see no reason why they should hamper your creativity one little bit.

P.S.: Never use paranthsis in a story? Uhm...don't listen to that.
It should only be used when adding...a bit of history to an item that you mention. It's mostly for reference usage so don't overuse it kay?

Ex: Before arriving at the station, the old train (someone said it was a relic of frontier days) caught fire.
 

Eor

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I have to disagree with Acemoney on (), it does break up the story. I believe it can be used in dialog just fine, but in description it doesn't fit. It's like if you're listening to someone telling a story, and then someone from behind starts talking too at the same time. If you use AceMoney's example, what he just did was a perfect example of "telling, not showing". There are much better ways to describe it, if the train is thematically or important to the setting. If it's not, then it doesn't need to be described as a relic of the frontier days, and if it is, there are much better and more interesting ways to show it.
 

Jam Stunna

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P.S.: Never use paranthsis in a story? Uhm...don't listen to that.
It should only be used when adding...a bit of history to an item that you mention. It's mostly for reference usage so don't overuse it kay?

Ex: Before arriving at the station, the old train (someone said it was a relic of frontier days) caught fire.
You shouldn't be adding extra, useless descriptions to your writing in the first place. Parenthesis have no place in fiction, because it's up to the writer to integrate all necessary information into the actual narrative or dialog. Parenthesis break pacing and flow by throwing in extraneous information in a jarring way. Don't use them.
 

NoSurprises

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I only skimmed it, but dear lord son, Mucklings? Super soldiers? If you can create, as you say, "several characters each with fleshed out traits, personalities, and histories", as well as this entire magic world, then surely you can create better names then that.

Also, what are you talking about with "power"? You're acting like it's a mineral found in the ground. To be fair, yes, I skimmed, so if "power" means something else in your story then this point is void, but at the moment it doesn't seem to make any sense.
 

Jazzy Jinx

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1. Thanks for not being an a**, Eor. I apologize for assuming you would be one and thanks for the commentary and help.

2. Trying to make this story seem non-animeish is one of the hardest things I've ever done. There are certain things that just scream "ANIME!" in here and I'm trying to find the best way to avoid that. It'll take a little practice before I can fully get rid of that feel.

3. @NoSurprises: I started writing this story when I was 6 years old and I refuse to change the names up. They've been that way for 10 years, so they're not going to change. They may not be the most realistic names or whatever but this is a Sci-Fi Fantasy so if you're looking for realism, you're looking in the wrong spot.

4. @NoSurprises: "Power" isn't the name of anything in my story. Skimming is bad...
 

Eor

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I didn't comment on what NoSurprises did, but I kind of have to agree that it dilutes the realism by saying "super soldier". Mucklings I just took for a slang term, which I figured would be popular since state-wide racism would be in place against them. Sci-Fi Fantasy has to have realism in it, but if you don't want to change the names, I'd personally suggest you just make them slang terms. Super soldier can be used for (technological term here), while Mucklings can be for whatever. If you've read Ender's Game (another Sci-Fi book), Earth was at war with an alien race called the Formics, but everyone just called them Buggers (they looked like bugs). You have to think realistically, wouldn't scientists have a different name for Mucklings?

Though that is your story designs, and so those are personal points.
 

Decoy Octopus

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Although I could be biased, I have to back Gabe (NoSu). You seem to've misunderstood his point on power. My power. The power... it feels good. I want all the power. All that kind of stuff, like he said, you're treating it like it's a mineral you can can ship out in drums. You didn't invent the term "power", unlike Mucklings, so you have no excuse not to change it -- that's just laziness. Think long and hard about how they have this power, and then think of a logical way for the INDIVIDUAL CHARACTERS to refer to it. The Zodiac killer, if he had power, would refer to using it as "doing my thing", while Winston Churchill would call it something clever like "duty-free duty". Or whatever. Instead you're taking a page from RPG & Fantasy Writing 101, and worse, having all your characters use it.

Fun Fact: When all characters in a piece observe things the same way (and if you say anything with "good and evil" in it I will freaking printscreen and drive down there to staple it to your fingers) they are NOT fleshed out.

And in case you don't think we're on about Power...

Chapter 1: Legacy

Sirens broke the silence of whatever peaceful solitude the night held with alarms that engrossed adrenaline and fear. Redwood City became completely active before the veil of darkness could be lifted from the sky. Though it was just a weekly drill, the tension and anxiousness of the general masses forced them to remain awake for the rest of the night calling for a very unpleasant day to follow.

Fear was seldom absent from anyone. Everyone knew that the mucklings were advancing and they were not exempt from their rage. A battle spanning centuries was gradually approaching what some believed was an end. However, things did not look good for the humans. An end to the war was pleasant to all but an end involving their annihilation was a possibility and everyone feared it.

The Council of Kingdoms demoted from history to legend and stories of peace on the continent at one time made people laugh half-heartedly. This pipe dream of an alliance among kingdoms seemed like an unreachable goal in that nobody could really see it come true. So the council was forgotten and the people could only dream of a world at peace. Their sad realization was that peace was only a dream.

Two brothers jumped up at the sound of the loud sirens and fell on each other, stumbling to recollect their balance. The younger of the two, Ski, pronounced Sky, was 16 years old and the other, Brad, who’s nickname was Man since he was so muscular as a child, was 20 years old. They both had short brown hair that was untamed and they both lived on their own since their parents died in a plane explosion. It had been ten years since the anniversary of their parents’ deaths.

“Great, now I’ll never get back to sleep, this is really freaking great,” complained Ski walking into the kitchen to fix a sandwich, “every week it’s the same **** thing. If I ever hear another siren I’m going to put a bullet through my head!”

“Ah, well at least they aren’t ringing it at midnight anymore. Now they’re doing it at four in the morning,” said Man slowly crawling out of bed and grabbing his pants on the chair near him.

“It’s like they want us to wake up early in the morning now. What the hell do they want from us! This isn’t a freaking boot camp!”

“Honestly Ski, you complain too much. If it was a real drill then I would be scared out of my mind. God knows that if they didn’t do these tests we would sleep through the sirens.”

“Yeah, yeah. So are we going to Don’s Gym today?” asked Ski while grabbing a butter knife to spread mayonnaise on his sandwich.

“Probably,” replied Man still trying to get his belt on.

“In that case we need to go do something fun before it opens at six. I don’t want to go through this day doing nothing but working out. Now where is the tuna…?”

“Like what? Wednesdays were never meant to be fun.”

Ski examined the inside of the refrigerator closely until he found an empty jar of tuna. “Man, how are you going to put an empty jar of tuna in the fridge? Come on!”

“It isn’t empty, they still have some in there. Just scrape the sides.”

“Scrape the sides? They don’t have any freaking tuna on the sides! We never have any food around here.”

“Complaining, complaining, that’s all I ever hear from you, Ski…”

“Forget this, let’s go to the Breakfast Buffet and eat there. It’s ridiculous that we never have anything to eat around here.”

“Do you have some Breakfast Buffet money?”

Ski shot Man a cold glance the second he heard this. “So you’re saying we don’t have any money now? Where did all that cash we got yesterday go!?”

“Bills, bills, and more bills. Times are rough. Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“Bills? Which bills?”

“Well let me see, electric, water, air conditioning…”

“Come on man! Are you saying we’re not going to eat this morning? Again!”

“Pft. Those bums on the street waving their hats around for loose change are getting it easier than us,” said Man in a colder voice. He wanted to agree with Ski but tried to remain optimistic at times.

Ski sighed deeply. He was becoming agitated that no matter how hard they worked, they still couldn’t get their meals on time. The world didn’t want young and inexperienced workers like themselves though. It wanted only the best. Everyone else had it rough.

“So what now?” asked Ski depressed and defeated.

“You have a slice of bread with mayonnaise on it. Eat that.”

Ski’s anger receded and he glanced at his slice of bread. He really didn’t want to eat it but he knew he had no choice. “We need some freaking tuna…”

Ski took once last look at his slice of bread and tried to envision the tuna he so desperately craved before taking a large bite out of it. He sighed a little, “Well… at least we have bread.”

While Ski ate his bread in disgrace, Man pulled out a jar of tuna from underneath his bed, “Heh heh, thank God for the secret stash.”

Once the two of them were done with preparations, they left out of their home in a hurry. They had already wasted an hour away so they only had one more hour left of free time before their arduous training regime began.

“Come on… We can at least hang out at the park,” began Ski, “They can’t charge you for sitting around…”

As the two brothers walked through the park on a small path, a man completely concealed in a brown cloak passed them by. He gave off an ominous aura as Ski felt a chill run up his spine in fear. He turned to watch the man walk away slowly.

“That guy…,” Ski choked, “He… He’s insane…”

“What are you talking about, Ski? He’s just some freak in a cloak. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I’m serious… I felt like I just encountered a near death experience or something… He’s… a demon or something.”

Man sighed deeply. “Look, I think you’re just tired. He was just some freak of nature. Who the hell wears a cloak? Come on… Let’s sit down and relax some.”

Ski was still shaking uncontrollably as he tried to steady his body. He sat down but he still couldn’t blink. Meanwhile, the man walked into a nearby bar and took a seat.

“Good morning, sir. May I see some identification? It’s just so I can know if you’re not under aged or anything.”

“I’m seventeen years old,” replied the teen in a cold voice.

The bartender sighed. “Well then… You can’t have anything to drink.” The cloaked teen tossed a card on the counter and the bartender picked it up.

“You… You’re… Ron Avants of the Special Forces!?!” nearly yelled the bartender in shock.

“Yes… Now about that drink,” replied Ron in an ever ominous matter.

“Right away, sir!”

As the bartender ran to get Ron a drink, Ron looked down at his right hand. His eye glittered as if begging for a tear to drop but no matter what he seemed to lack the ability to cry. The air became cold as he sighed in grief.

Ron put his left hand on his forehead and massaged it roughly and seemed to sigh deeply. He got a small headache as a few memories came to him. They were painted vividly and stuck out in his head.

“Ron! Ron! Wake up!” shouted a man shaking Ron.

“Do what…? Oh, my apologies Blade. I dozed off after working out.”

Ron took a quick look at Blade. He wore black pants and a black shirt and his short hair was colored black. At his side was a sheath holding the legendary Phantom Sword. Blade was a member of the Special Forces, an elite division of the army and Ron was vastly envious of him and his talents. He served as Blade’s apprentice.

“That’s fine… You work so much harder than everyone else around here…,” started Blade as he sat down next to Ron, “You know… I’m proud of you, Ron. You’re like a son to me…”

The bartender placed the glass of beer next to Ron which snapped him out of his daze.

“Oh… Thanks.” He grabbed it and took a sip but then continued rubbing his head as he sighed again in grief.

“Why did you do it, Blade? Why? Was everything you ever told me just a lie?”

Ron chugged down the glass of beer and then yelled at the bartender to bring him another. He wanted nothing more than to forget it all. He just wanted to sit there and drown himself in his own sorrows.

“Like a son? Those words ring though my head… and I was fool enough to believe them…,” sighed Ron impatiently waiting for his next glass as he began scratching the countertop.

Ski and Man sat down on a bench in the park and Ski was still shaking from the encounter.

“What’s wrong, Ski? I’ve never seen you like this.”

“I don’t know why but when I saw that man, the only thing I could think of was death. This feeling hurts. It reminds me that we can die whenever and none of us are immortal. Even me and you are going to die one day! I don’t know… It just frightens me,” responded Ski.

“So? That just means we should make the best of life while we’re here. There’s no reason we should fear death,” replied Man.

“I don’t fear my own death it’s just, mom and dad are… dead now. They’ve been dead and I still can’t forget them. You do realize that if God doesn’t exist, then their existences are gone forever. I don’t know how to put this into words but, it’s like they just didn’t matter if that’s the case. It’s like none of us matter. Do we even have a purpose for living?”

“Don’t talk like that, Ski! They did matter and so do we. Our purpose for living is our ties and bonds to others. As long as we remember mom and dad, as long as they’re in our hearts, their existences will never be extinguished.”

“That’s very poetic Man but I just don’t know… I don’t think I ever will either.”

“Well… This really is something you have to come to terms with on your own. Just know that I’ll always be by your side, little bro. You don’t have to feel scared at all.”

Ski’s mood lightened up and he started to laugh. “You? Stick up for me? Ha! When was the last time you did me a favor?” This statement made Man’s mood switch to disgust.

“Hey you little punk! I DO help you out regularly! It’s not like you pay for the bills by yourself!”

“Yeah right! You do that for yourself more than you do it for me! You have to do it!”

“You’re nothing but a dumb jerk, you know that!”

“I’m just following your example, big bro!”

Man stared at Ski with a very serious look on his face but then his anger slowly receded and then he started to laugh. “You know, Ski… We make one heck of a team…”

Ski laughed too. “Yeah, we sure do. Let’s go to the gym.”

The two brothers walked down the sidewalk and into town. A large dome a few blocks away could be seen in the distance; this place was Don’s Gym and the reason so many warriors get their training in Redwood City. It was the only thing that made Redwood City important at all otherwise it would be a city filled with nothing but poverty and crime.

Don was a man famous for his training of some of the most legendary fighters the world has ever seen. Still young, he has already etched his name in history as a legendary figure and is the pride of the people of Redwood. Something even more interesting is the fact that he has never been hit in a fight or battle.

While walking, Man noticed Ski was listening to an MP3 player. “Hey, where did you get that from?”

Ski jumped a little when he heard the question. He looked a bit worried but he replied, “I bought it. Why?”

“Where did you get the money for it?” Man asked with squinted eyes.

“Chill out, Man! I got it with my savings. It’s not like I stole it or something…”

Man looked at Ski with a look of suspicion on his face. “Really… I didn’t say anything about stealing…”

“I didn’t freaking steal it, Man!”

“Where do you keep your savings? I never saw you saving anything. You always waste your money away on junk food,” replied Man very quickly and seriously.

Ski looked at Man with a serious expression and replied, “In my sock. I hide all of my money in my sock.”

“Your sock? What the…”

“Oh come on, I’ve heard of weirder places to hide money,” replied Ski still slightly nervous. He didn’t want to continue the conversation but Man continued to drag it out.

“In your sock…”

“Yep. In my sock.”

“Oooook. Whatever then,” sighed Man, “so what are you listening to right now, anyway?”

“Ah, I’m listening to smooth jazz. It’s really relaxing and calming. It’s the closest thing I have to relaxation in this horrible city.”

“I didn’t know you were a fan of jazz. I guess you can learn something new about people after all…,” Man replied, actually surprised.

“Yep. It’s pretty good stuff. You should listen to it sometime.”

“I might listen to some of it later,” he replied. They walked for a little while longer, crossing a busy street and avoiding the oncoming traffic as best they could before walking slowly again on the other side of the street. The sun started to rise into the air signaling the day that was coming.

While they walked, Man thought about Ski’s new taste in jazz and started thinking about his parents. Then he remembered something. “Hey Ski, didn’t mom and dad listen to jazz?”

“Yeah they did. When they were still dating, they used to turn off all the lights, light some candles, and listen to jazz. Mom told me that once.”

“Eww… I hope that’s not how they… uh… got in the mood…”

Ski looked at Man with a look of shock on his face as he realized what Man meant by that. “Thanks a lot, Man. Now I’m off of jazz for life…”

Man started laughing. “Come on, Ski. Just because mom and dad used to be into that music in order to get done whatever they needed to get done doesn’t mean it isn’t still relaxing and you should stop listening to it.”

“I really hate you, Man. I severely hate you,” said Ski in a casual voice.

“Aw… You’re going to make your older brother cry…”

“I’ll give you a reason to cry! It involves your face and my fist!”

“Dim’s fighting words…,” stated Man as he got into a fighting stance.

“Grr! I’ll beat you down! The pavement will be jealous of how flat you are!” mocked Ski.

The two slap boxed for a bit before walking into the gym’s front yard. They quickly ran inside as they noticed they only had five minutes left before opening time and ran into the lockers to change into their gym shorts.

“Come on, Man! Let’s play basketball real quick before Don gets here,” yelled Ski as he grabbed one of the balls off the rack and started doing several tricks between his legs, “you’re going to lose so badly today.”

“Keep dreaming, Ski.”

The two brothers played around a bit and laughed as they enjoyed the day that they didn’t want to start at first. As they played, Ron was still at the bar and was starting to become intoxicated as he chugged his tenth beer.

He struggled to raise his hand and shouted, “…Another! Bring me another!”

The bartender looked at the drunk teen and said, “Sir… I think you may have had enough. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Ron got angry at this and grabbed him by the collar. “It’s not enough… I can still remember… These thoughts still keep coming… These memories still persist… Bring me another beer!”

The bartender looked surprised and scared. “I’m sorry, sir. But you’re really starting to get drunk. I don’t want any trouble.”

“If you don’t want any trouble than bring me another! I need another!” yelled Ron and then he punched the counter with his right hand which ripped his sleeve and revealed his metal arm. The hood fell off of his face and showed that his right eye was also mechanical and had a red bionic eye in its place.

When the bartender saw this, he almost went into shock and Ron’s mood quickly receded from anger to embarrassment as the people in the bar stared at his mechanical parts in fear. He tugged at the torn cloth and tried to conceal his mechanical arm once more. He could hear the people around him whisper to themselves and sweat ran down his cheek.

After seemingly freezing, he stumbled out of the chair and ran out the door and quickly into the back alley. There he fell over and landed on his face.

“Why Blade… Why did you do this to me… Why…,” he muttered under his breath, “Why!”

Ron could feel a steady stream of tears come out of his left eye and then he pulled himself up and sat against a wall. He ran his hand through his brown hair and stopped crying almost immediately and then he looked to the morning sky filled with purples and oranges.

“The memories still keep coming… I’ll never forget them no matter how much I want to…,” he sighed under his breath, “Blade… You were like a father to me… So why did you do this to me? Why did you try and kill me that day… I really believed in you…”

Ron’s mind was pierced with an unbelievable pain and his stomach wrenched tightly. He could feel the sweat continue running down his neck and he quickly fell to his knees and began to vomit on the ground from too much alcohol. Then he coughed and rubbed his left eye very hard.

“He cut my arm off and didn’t even change his expression… He didn’t care about me at all… He used me… I’m nothing to him…,” Ron sighed, “Nothing at all… Nothing…”

He leaned back against the wall and stared at his mechanical arm. It glittered as the sunlight began beating down on it and as he moved his fingers, he could hear the joints scrape against one another. Ron’s mind went blank as he stared at his hand and he slowly closed his eyes.

“You’re like a son to me…,” thought Ron. The words rang through his mind constantly like a bad dream. He couldn’t grasp the sentence at all even though it ran through his head several times. He felt like the life he had with Blade was all a dream and that it wasn’t possible that it could have ever been real.

Ron took one last look at the morning sky before closing his eyes and falling half asleep. The sun beat down on his skin and he could feel a pleasant warmth as he basked in the rays. Memories of his past slowly came back to him in a steady stream.

“A son?,” asked Ron confused after Blade made the statement, “why would I be like a son to you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s just, I never really had a child to call my own. The girl of my dreams was… taken from this world all too early… definitely too early…”

Ron sat up and became attentive as Blade began speaking, “Who was she?”

“She was… the perfect girl… perfect in all ways if you can imagine that. She had beauty, smarts, kindness, all of it,” stated Blade. He paused for a moment and seemed to look off into space but then he began speaking again, “Her name was… Maria…”

“We grew up together in Redwood. I think I was seven and she was six when we first met. Yep, we went to school together all the way from elementary to high school and then to college. Heh, I remember this time I asked her out to the high school prom and I ended up making a total fool of myself. I wore this white tuxedo with the little pink flower clip or whatever and there was this punch bowl that everybody got their drinks out of and I ended up tripping and falling head first into the punch bowl. Got my tuxedo all pink and everything. People started laughing and I just froze up but she didn’t laugh and even came up to me and started wiping away some of the punch that had gotten on my face. Oh man… those were better times…”

“Ha ha… Who would have thought that you could be so clumsy. You always seem so balanced,” responded Ron trying to suppress his laughter.

“Nah, I was balanced back then too but I was so nervous because even though we grew up together that was the first time I was able to work up the courage to ask her out and I ended up doing the opposite of what I wanted to do which was to look cool and totally win her over,” responded Blade smiling himself.

“At least you half succeeded. You won her over.”

“I did eventually but I didn’t do it that night. It was sometime in college after we went out for a couple of years when I finally won her over. I had been studying martial arts and I could do all these cool tricks and whatever so I called her out to come by this tree on our campus and I did this front flip out of the tree right into a kneeling position and proposed.”

“Heh, you sure you didn’t stumble?”

“Nope. I was smooth that time and then she said yes and I screamed like a girl because I had finally won the girl of my dreams for life,” responded Blade. His smile quickly vanished though as he said, “or… at least I thought she would be with me for life…”

Ron also turned serious and gulped as he asked, “How did she die?”

Blade sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “You know… there are people in this world that are just plain crazy. They have no goals in life and simply do things to cause everyone else around them sorrow. I guess…,” he paused, “I guess she was just another victim of this kind of person…”

“Do you know who killed her?”

“Renock. General Adam P. Renock of the Fourth Division. The first super soldier…”

Ron snapped out of his dream as a stray dog began licking his face. He nearly jumped up as he felt the cold tongue hit his cheek. He stared at the dog and began petting it lightly on the head with his right hand but the dog bit his hand. It whimpered and then ran off.

“I guess my strokes were too rough… my hand is made of metal now after all…,” sighed Ron.

He forced himself to get up and then struggled to balance himself as he walked out of the alley, stumbling along the way.

“I guess I’ll go home and take a nap or something… No point in staying at this dump all day…”

Man dunked on Ski and started laughing as he said, “Game point!”

“Whatever! That was a foul!” complained Ski.

“No it wasn’t. You just suck, that’s all.”

“I wasn’t trying! If I was then you would have lost so badly! You just got lucky is all!”

“You must never try since I beat you all the time…,” mocked Man in a sarcastic voice.

Just as the brothers were about to continue their squabble, the door flew open and a very muscular man walked in from out of the brightness. He was a black man and wore black pants, a white muscle shirt, and a black due rag. A short metal pole could be seen strapped to his back by a slender cloth that rapped around his chest at a diagonal angle that was shaded a subdued red. The pole itself was a shiny gray and sparkled in the light.

“Oh hey, Don. How have you been?” asked Man.

“I’ve been better… I just found out that my mom is in critical condition back in Silver Town. I’m going to close down the gym for a while to go and see her.”

“What!? Aunt Tina is in critical condition!?” nearly yelled Ski.

“Yeah… I’m worried about her. This is the third time she’s been in critical condition this year. Things aren’t getting any better either…”

“Hmm… We’ll go with you. We should probably head out right now.”

“That’s exactly why I came here. I wanted to get you two and then leave immediately. I already have three plane tickets ready for us.”

“Ah crap… I can’t believe she’s this sick… She looked so healthy last time I saw her… She’s going to be alright, right?”

“I don’t know about that… That’s why we’re leaving to go to see her,” replied Don in a low voice, “I don’t know what we can do… I’ve never felt so powerless before… I know everyone dies but…”

“It’s a pain that never goes away,” stated Ski with a sad look on his face, “Uh, sorry about that… It’s just… I just can’t see a way we can make this any better other than spending time with her to maybe make her death more peaceful…”

“Shut up, Ski! You’re such an inconsiderate jerk!” yelled Man.

“Nah… He’s right… She’s on her death bed and we can’t do anything about it,” said Don turning around to face the door, “we should go.”

The brothers felt an awkward silence as they slowly followed Don out the door. In no time, they were all on the plane. During the car drive to the air port, not a single word was muttered. They took their seats in the ever ominous silence.

Ski looked out the windows and watched as the clouds floated slowly through the air as they passed them by. Cars on the ground looked like little toys driving along small roads. He closed his eyes and tried to ease his tension by relaxing. But then his thoughts shifted.

“This is how they died…,” he thought to himself, “in a plane crash.”

Ski soon got a headache and tried easing up once more but to no avail. “My dad was… a super soldier… like Renock. He was the better fighter, right? So why did he die?” he continued thinking. Then memories of that day came rushing back.

“Hey dad! What’s Redwood like? Is it a fun place?” asked a young Ski.

“Of course it is. They have a park and great restaurants and a cool gym too!”

“Ah… A gym?”

“Yep. I’ll be spending most of my time there,” replied the father, who‘s name was also Ski.

“I will too! I’m going to become big and strong just like you, dad! Watch me… I might even become stronger than you!”

“Haha… I won’t doubt it, son.”

“Hey dad… can you tell me how you became a super soldier again?” asked Man.

“Yeah sure. As you know, General Renock betrayed us once he became a super soldier. He was originally intended to be our secret weapon and was going to destroy all the Mucklings in one fell swoop so we wouldn’t lose more lives. Now he’s trying to take over the Great Lands and we have to stop him so I volunteered to become a super soldier.”

“Yeah but… I heard there are differences between your form of super soldier and his.”

“That’s right. Renock is known as a Complete Super Soldier which means he can use Instant Repair, a skill that lets him regenerate parts of his body and vital organs. I am an Incomplete Super Soldier which means I don’t have that trait but I can control my power a lot easier and I don’t have the hormonal imbalance that he does.”

“This is making my head hurt… I don’t get all this sciencey stuff.”

“Basically, if he is hurt then he can be healed instantly but he’s crazy. I can’t heal fast but I’m not crazy.”

“Oh, Ok. I think I sort of get it now…”

“Ah, you really don’t have to know any of this stuff anyway. Just know that you’re father is strong and will always be here to protect you.”

“Of course I know that, dad! You’d never let us down,” replied Ski ever cheerful.

Man rubbed his head in confusion and asked, “But why did Renock turn bad? Wasn’t he a good guy?”

Ski Sr. looked forward as if glaring through the seat in front of him and was lost in thought. After a few seconds of silence he finally said, “He was a good guy…,” started Ski before abruptly pausing again, “but those experiments… the things they did to him during the testing stages… his mind couldn’t handle it and he went unstable…”

Man was nearly struck with fear from hearing this but listened attentively anyway. “He decided that because his power was nearly unrivaled it means that he is a god and should be treated as such. He believes all other beings are beneath him. Sad thing is… he used to be so much better and kinder than he is now… if only we could save him now…”

After hearing this, Man felt kind of nervous to ask anymore questions so he remained quiet. Ski Sr. turned to his son and noticed that the story had depressed him so he stroke his hair and told him, “Ah, don’t worry, Man. These things just happen sometimes but I’ll always be there to protect you and I know that if I fail, you’ll take my place as the protector of our family and I trust that you’ll succeed at anything no matter what you do.”

“But how can I live up to your example?” he wondered.

“Don’t doubt yourself, Man. I know Ski will be strong some day but you…,” he paused, “you have a different power… One that not even I can match. If you just remember who your family is, then we will never have to worry even if I die.”

“A different power? What?”

“Oh nothing… That’s just me trying to be dramatic I guess…”

Man felt kind of awkward after hearing this and the words, “if you just remember who your family is” kept ringing through his head. After a while though, he eased up and forgot about it.

After a short amount of time had passed, the family’s plane experienced heavy turbulence. The captain came on the intercom to try and lighten things up. “This is the captain speaking, we seem to have undergone some turbulence and…,” he was interrupted by a huge explosion, “Dear sweet Jesus, the right engine is on fire!”

“What!?” yelled everyone almost simultaneously. Everyone began panicking but Ski (senior) rose out of his seat real quick and looked out the door. He saw a huge and muscular man ripping away at the right engine as if he was digging through trash.

Seeing this, Ski opened up the door and was about to jump on to the wing until he felt Ski tugging at his pants. “Dad! Don’t do it! Don’t go out there!”

Ski looked his son in the eyes with a look of content and rubbed his head. “I’m sorry Ski, but I have to go. If not, we’ll all end up dead. I’m the only one that can stop him.”

Ski Jr. started crying heavily but his father couldn’t do anything about it so he just hugged him one last time and whispered, “I’m sorry” into his ear.

After that, he jumped unto the plane wing and then walked up to the man without being blown away by the speed of the plane. Since he was a super soldier, he could stand on the wing without feeling the turbulence or being thrown off. The man before him rose and began to speak.

“Haven’t seen you in a while Ski, leader of the Special Forces.”

“Haven’t seen you either Renock, ex-general of the Fourth Division.”

“Heh heh… You know why I’m here. Hand it over.”

“Hand what over?” replied Ski remaining serious.

“Don’t play dumb with me. This isn’t some fairy tale story where the hero makes a dramatic appearance and beats the big bad villain. You know what happened to General Richard after he refused to give me the orb and he was ten times the hero you are. Now give me that **** orb before you really piss me off.”

“I can’t give you the orb…,” started Ski before pausing. He laughed a little to himself before replying, “…it’s in my sock.”

“What? In your sock! Then go get your freaking sock and bring me that orb!”

Ski leapt forward and punched Renock square in the face which sent him back a few feet. “No. You’re not getting the orb and you’re not going to be an issue after this day. I’m killing you, Renock. The world doesn’t need traitorous *******s like you.”

Renock cracked his neck and looked at Ski. He shook his head with his eyes close and then walked forward casually. “You know… You could have made this easy but you just had to screw it all up. Now I’m going to torture you and do stuff to your precious family. You know as well as I do that a mere half-super can’t stand against a full-super.”

“I won’t let you lay a single dirty finger on any of my family members. You’ll be dead before you hit the ground.”

Renock laughed and then swiftly delivered an uppercut that was so hard it sent Ski flying. Ski did a back flip unto the roof of the plane and then stared at Renock who was still laughing. He placed his hand behind his back and started gathering energy in his palm.

“What’s the matter Ski? Are you going to perch up there all day? Are you afraid of heights?” taunted Renock. Ski said nothing. “You know… This entire planet will hail me one day… You know it’s true. My power is a kind that can not be rivaled or matched. It will only grow and grow and grow to the point where even the army will give up and kneel before my greatness. It’ll be the only thing they can do to save themselves from total annihilation. I just have to wait and watch and prepare myself to take my rightful place as ruler of this pathetic rock you call Earth.”

“It’s almost as if you view yourself as a king, Renock…”

“King? How insulting. No… Kings don’t possess the kind of power I have… I’m a god!”

“I think the power has gone to your head. Maybe you had a rough childhood and got picked on a lot or maybe you don’t have any friends and want to be noticed but there is no way in hell that someone like you could ever be a god. You merely wish that were true but even you know that you are nothing but a worm that’s going to be stepped on one day. And you know what, Renock? If I don’t beat you today then the person that takes you out is going to be someone you know. Nobody is going to follow you, they’ll backstab you the second the opportunity is ripe.”

“I have no need for followers… only slaves to worship my image and do my will.”

“Too bad you’ll be too busy rotting in hell, huh?” said Ski before throwing the energy ball he formed in his hand at his chest which sent him flying off the wing. Renock fell fast, twisting and bending along the way.

Ski’s daughter, Sally, looked out the window in shock. She was sitting on her mother, Julia’s, lap at the time. “I’m scared mommy!”

Julia didn’t say anything. She was in pure shock and couldn’t believe what was going on. Ski sat on top of the plane and breathed heavily and held his hand. Gathering that much energy took a lot of him and he didn’t know if he would be able to stay balanced much longer.

“My hand… no, my whole body… is shaking uncontrollably. I don’t think I can get back inside…”

Sally tugged at Julia’s shirt wondering why she wouldn’t respond. “It’s ok, darling. You’re father is going to be just fine. Everything is going to be ok, I promise.”

“But… I’m scared.”

“Don’t be, baby. You’re father would never let us down, right?”

“No…”

“There… It’s ok, sweetheart. Everything is going to be just fine.”

After perching for about five minutes, Ski jumped back down on the wing and stretched. He laid down and tried to ease his muscles back up.

“Freaking psycho. What scares me the most is that he really thinks he’s a god. That’s what happens when you get too much power. You start thinking you’re the most important thing around and start going crazy. How pathetic…”

Man and Ski Jr. looked out the window and saw Ski on the wing. “Yeah! Dad did it!” they cheered, “he beat that creep like he was nothing!”

Sally was still nervous but she did smile a little and Julia felt relieved. The two brothers jumped around wildly as they rejoiced in their father’s victory. This celebration was cut short, however, when the right wing blew completely off.

Renock had flown through the wing and completely blown it off. The plane itself started to go down and fast followed by a trail of smoke. Panic swiftly returned to everyone on-board. Julia jumped up and grabbed her kids and then found them a few parachutes. The entire plane was painted in red as the warning lights went off like crazy.

All three of the children were crying as Julia tried to calm them down. “Look Man. I need you to be strong for me right now. We only have two parachutes and I want you to hold your brother, Ski, and jump. I can’t hold all three of you so I’m going to jump with Sally. Please, darling, I don’t want you to be scared right now.”

Man was frightened about everything that was going on but Julia gave her son a quick kiss on the forehead and then slipped the orb in his pocket without him noticing. “Be brave. Remember, you’re Man. I know you’re the strongest kid I’ve ever seen.”

Man shook his head without saying anything but quickly cried and said, “I love you, mom” before hugging her.

Ski Sr. was thrown pretty far from the sudden explosion but he floated in mid-air and watched as the plane went downward. He freaked and flew as fast as he could underneath the plane and tried lifting it from below.

He lifted it several feet into the air and tried to steady it as best he could. This shook everyone on-board up a little.

“What’s going on!?” they all screamed but Julia knew what was happening.

“Alright, you’re father is lifting the plane right now but I know he isn’t going to be able to for long so I need you to jump now, Man. Please hurry!”

Man was extremely nervous but he shook his head and tugged Ski away from their mother whom he was holding tightly. Being pulled away sent Ski into a rage of tears but they both took one last look and jumped together. The second she saw them parachute, she gave Sally the other parachute and walked with her towards the exit.

Suddenly, Renock sent a massive energy ball in Ski’s direction that blew up on impact. The explosion not only hit Ski but affected the plane too as the ceiling collapsed separating Sally from Julia. She ran to where Julia was and placed her hand through the debris trying to reach her.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

Julia grabbed her hand and rubbed it. “I’m sorry, Sally but I can’t come with you now. Please, use that parachute and jump while you still can!”

“No! Not without you mom, please no! Not without you!”

“Sally! You have to leave now! Don’t worry about me. You’re father will save us all. Please, please go.”

Sally couldn’t stop crying. The blast had weakened Ski’s grip on the plane and it tilted a little but he quickly steadied it again. That energy ball had ripped up his skin and weakened him deeply though and he coughed up some blood.

“I refuse to let my family down. Come on Julia. Get Sally and get the hell off this plane! I already saw Ski and Man jump, now you do it! Please hurry it up!”

Renock laughed as he floated through the air casually and watched Ski struggle to lift the plane. “Maybe you should take some more vitamins, Ski. You look pretty weak right now.”

Five minutes past but it felt like an eternity as Sally took one last tearful look at her mother and jumped with the parachute. She never stopped crying though. Julia remained on-board and curled up into a ball as she felt herself getting colder. Everyone else on the plane had either jumped or were dead or knocked out. She was the only living soul left.

“What!?” screamed Ski in his head, “only Sally? Where’s my wife? Where’s Julia?”

Renock noticed this too and didn’t waste any time in taunting him. “You’re beautiful bride is still on board. Maybe she was knocked unconscious by that blast or can’t get past some debris or something. Wouldn’t it be unfortunate if she died at such a young age? I might even cry myself…”

“You shut the hell up! I won’t let you kill her!”

“You can’t do anything to stop me. Determination will only get you so far. But don’t worry, Ski. I won’t let you die until you see your children burn as well…,” threatened Renock before turning to see Sally parachute, “starting with your precious little girl.”

Renock flew towards Sally which completely shocked Ski. He threw the plane as high as he could into the air and flew after him before he could reach her parachute. Renock didn’t get to her in time before being hit across the side of the face but one of Ski’s powerful kicks.

The plane began falling again and Ski could only watch as it fell. “Sucks doesn’t it? Seeing her die like this…,” mumbled Renock while wiping some blood from his lips. Before Ski could react, Renock grabbed him by the throat and held him up.

He grabbed his neck trying to loosen Renock’s grip but couldn’t break free. In desperation, he pulled out a knife from his back pocket that was coated with a serum capable of melting away a super soldier’s skin and without hesitation, he stabbed it into Renock’s heart and left it impaled there. Renock couldn’t rejuvenate his heart with the knife in the way so he let go of Ski and looked him in the face.

“You little… *******… But I won’t… die… not here… not ever…,” coughed Renock. He spat up some blood and slowly limped in mid-air. Before long he silently fell towards the ground. Ski didn’t have enough time to stab Renock and catch the plane again and he stared at the ground below.

The plane had crashed into the ground and caught fire. Seeing this, Ski freaked out and flew straight for the wreckage, crashing through the roof. Inside the flames he saw his wife under some debris and flew over to her quickly. He tried to lift the rubble but his body was too strained from the encounter with Renock so he fell by her side and looked her in the eyes and didn‘t say anything but the message was understood that he couldn‘t do anything to save them.

Julia rubbed his hair through the debris and whispered, “Are the kids safe?”

“Yeah, baby… Renock is dead and… the kids parachuted safely.”

“Then we’re going to die now?”

Ski clenched his heart and then buried his face in his hand. “I’m sorry but yeah…”

The flames burned even more wildly as the two exchanged final emotions. He wiped some dirt of her face and whispered, “I love you”.

She said “I love you” as well and motioned for him to give her one final kiss. They moved in, staring each other in the eyes and the second their lips touched the plane went up in flames. They’re lives ended in passion surrounded by flames. A sad air could be felt as Ski and Man hit the ground and they understood that they were alone after hearing the plane blow up in the distance. But then Ski (junior) was jerked out of his sleep when Man shook him awake.

“Ski! Ski! The hospital just called Don on his cell and I don’t think it’s good.”

Ski swiftly looked over at Don who was sitting right across from them and was still on the phone.

“Alright… Alright… Ok… No I understand… Thank you.”
Don hung up the phone and buried his face in his hands. The two brothers were nervous to ask him what happened until Man finally choked, “Is Aunt Tina alright?”

Don didn’t respond for a while but then he finally muttered, “She went into critical condition just now and there was nothing they could do for her…,” he whispered, “she’s dead.”

Silence filled the room as the three all felt a hole fill in their guts.

A few other general tips:

-Stop naming skills. If you want a video game adaptation, download RPGMaker, because that's the only possible reason to have things like Instant Repair. Everyone over the age of ten that reads the book will roll their eyes when you do that. Especially since you are forced to say "...which allows him to" or something similar, which breaks up the flow and such.

-This bonus stuff... look, if you're making up a universe, that's cool. But rather than adding all this Extra and Bonus and Encyclopedia and color-coding (distracting), which to be quite honest nobody cares about if you aren't a beloved literary treasure like Ernest Hemingway or Philip K. **** or William Faulkner, keep a bible. Lots of writers do that. A binder full of organized notes on every little thing... every nation, every important character, continent and country names, conflicts, economy of the world, and so on and so forth. If you hit it big Dan Brown style, go nuts. Otherwise, you just look pretentious.
 

Jazzy Jinx

♥♪!?
Joined
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You see, this is one of the reasons I decided to leave SWF. Though I do appreciate your commentary and suggestions, you don't have to be a **** about it. I never claimed to be the best writer on here. Hell, I admited that I'm probably a mediocre writer at best.

So congratulations, I now believe you're an a**hole.
 

Decoy Octopus

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Oct 15, 2007
Messages
86
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If that's how you see it, that's how you see it. But I love science fiction, so when I see stuff that could be improved I like to try to help out.
 

AceMoney

Smash Apprentice
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Jul 26, 2005
Messages
131
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Everywhere and nowhere
Eor, I completely agree with you. I was just relaying the fact that it is not grammatically incorrect to use parenthesis in a novel or fictional work. However, I do think that describing things with them is pure insanity. So yeah, sorry for not really voicing my stance on that.

Kenny! Wtf? We've been through this already. You're a fantastic writer! Your ideas are top notch, the transfer to this forum seems to be the problem. Instead of offering reference notes in the story, why not wait till a reader asks a question and then you can address it without colored font taking away from the story? But yeah, don't lose faith in your ability.

Oh, and decoy octopus....quoting the whole **** story was pretty mean.
 

tmw_redcell

ULTRA GORGEOUS
BRoomer
Joined
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Messages
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HANDSOMEVILLE
You see, this is one of the reasons I decided to leave SWF. Though I do appreciate your commentary and suggestions, you don't have to be a **** about it. I never claimed to be the best writer on here. Hell, I admited that I'm probably a mediocre writer at best.

So congratulations, I now believe you're an a**hole.
Do not worry about people being mean with critiques. Yes, it annoying, but many people can't resist the temptation to be a condescending **** when they're pointing out something wrong with someone else's work. Just ignore it, consider their advice, and when you post the next chapter you'll get another critique with insults thrown in. If you argue about it you'll just put them off.
 

Jazzy Jinx

♥♪!?
Joined
Jun 22, 2006
Messages
4,035
Location
Location, Location
Heh... Thanks. You have no idea what that means to me, really...

I was going to continue posting and working on this anyway but it helps to know that you guys care. It brings a d*** tear to this manly face's cheek...

Anyway, I'm going to get rid of the color code since it's so "distracting" and the synopsis (which didn't summarize ANYTHING at all; my story is going to be a lot more detailed than that). Also, I'll be rewriting this to a degree to try and exempt that d*** anime feel.

After reading around a bit, I think I have an idea of how to write this. Don't expect me to revise this any time soon, though. My computer is broken so I'm forced to use my aunt's lap top.
 

cam`

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Sep 19, 2007
Messages
167
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dow joons
parenthesis can work fine in fiction if you can work them seamlessly into your voice.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
BRoomer
Joined
Jan 14, 2002
Messages
28,982
Wow!

I apologize for being so late, but please continue posting.

Decoy and Surprises are just ******* newbies who want to bring you down and I didn't see too much posted by them. Critics are usually people who can't do what they criticize.

Uncle Kenny, post the rest. We are intrigued.
 
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