Nelo Vergil
Smash Master
Link to original post: [drupal=2799]The sins of the father...[/drupal]
Hello everyone who will take the time to read this, Im writing this mostly due to my insane amounts of insonmia which caused me to reflect back to some of the bad things I have done during my time on this board, a sorta look back journal, I was first just gonna write something in Word to calm my nerves, but I figured that alot of what Im going to talk about happened here, and a blog in a sense is just a journal, so I thought I may as well vent and share my thoughts at the same time.
Now, Im sure a few people know that about a year ago, I had confessed to lying about some terrible things that I am not proud of, I confessed on the good advice of a special friend and words my family told me, because the friends I had made a year further back from this confession deserved to know the truth of the matter. After my confession, unsurprisingly there was a nasty amount of a blowout between them and myself, of course at the time I was feeling great feelings of rage, great deals of confusion, and an even greater feeling of wanting, so rather than stick to my apology, I tried to strike back on my friends, I tried to manipulate them back into acting like it had not happened (which Im certainly not proud of, especially after doing the "right" thing), most, if not all was done for attention, attention I at the time thought I needed because my life was going through a bad rough patch.
Now flash forward a year, time has passed, things have changed, I havent really ever spoken to any of them really, once or twice, but mostly out of courtesy of just saying "Hey, we used to talk alot so Im seeing how you are". Ive moved on to new friends, and finally have been taking smash more seriously, trying to be an active part of a community, going to tournaments and such (though I still have a much bigger impact I plan to show). Recently I got mad at a friend though, because after a few days of tension, we had a conversation that to me, ended in him saying "Well its not like our friendship really matters". I'm pretty sure I know thats not true, but it still bugged me, and made me think of all things Ive been through since joining this site, a site I joined just so I could make a name for myself. It made me think of how, at 17 years of age, when my family life had gone to great to hell in a matter of 3 months, that when I found a somewhat special group of people, I began to cling to them, and told myself "As long as they like me, the me that I show them, thats all that matters, and nothing else", like if someone has an unhealthy obsession with there online guild or something. I was not any better for most of my 18th year, I was quite honestly worse, clinging far to tightly, on a bunch of emotions that I'm unsure really exsisted. Then of course the fall out happened around the time of my 19th birthday, and I became more bitter, more sick. But that fall out, the day I lost that sorta freaky online obsession truly helped me, and Im thankful for that, it took me a few months to get it, but I do finally get it. That for starters, no friendship can ever be built upon a sin (in this case, lies), and that you should try your best to be a good person wherever you go, whether thats to school, to your job, even on the interweb (unless your on a troll website, than by all means, troll XD). That fallout also helped me move on with my life, focus on my education, focus on getting a healthy relationship (which I finally got), focus on working hard on what you enjoy (for example, Smashing) and to just try your hardest at what you do, while still having the best attitude possible to everyone around you. sure fights and fallouts will happen, but as long as your honest, I think any friendship can survive anything.
2 years ago, I was sick, depressed, maniacal, cunning, scheming, twisted ego-maniac, that really only cared about himself, yes I did care about the friends I made, but the end result wasnt about them, it was about me. But now, Im a much better person, Im a lot more honest, I tend to do my best to try and help people out whenever they need it, Im considerate to others, Im hard working, I mean I still have my faults (still can get pretty depressed about things, and I have a pretty bad temper at times, but those as well have improved greatly), but just looking back on it all, its amazing that your able to say to yourself that "Yes, I am a far better person, and that everything matters", it honestly makes me thankful (My thanksgiving tie on....even if mine happened a month ago =p) to this site and many of the people on it, that everyone, whether they wanted to or not, directly or indirectly, helped me become a far happier guy and a generally good person, rather than what I was. So that's my little journal, it's nothing special, not really worth looking at probably, but it was relaxing to reflect on it and write everything infront of my eyes. So to anyone Ive ever made contact with on this site and had any interaction with, Im sorry for anything I may have done, and thank you for helping me see the light. Though I need a more relative title now that I think about it.....eh...good enough XD
Hello everyone who will take the time to read this, Im writing this mostly due to my insane amounts of insonmia which caused me to reflect back to some of the bad things I have done during my time on this board, a sorta look back journal, I was first just gonna write something in Word to calm my nerves, but I figured that alot of what Im going to talk about happened here, and a blog in a sense is just a journal, so I thought I may as well vent and share my thoughts at the same time.
Now, Im sure a few people know that about a year ago, I had confessed to lying about some terrible things that I am not proud of, I confessed on the good advice of a special friend and words my family told me, because the friends I had made a year further back from this confession deserved to know the truth of the matter. After my confession, unsurprisingly there was a nasty amount of a blowout between them and myself, of course at the time I was feeling great feelings of rage, great deals of confusion, and an even greater feeling of wanting, so rather than stick to my apology, I tried to strike back on my friends, I tried to manipulate them back into acting like it had not happened (which Im certainly not proud of, especially after doing the "right" thing), most, if not all was done for attention, attention I at the time thought I needed because my life was going through a bad rough patch.
Now flash forward a year, time has passed, things have changed, I havent really ever spoken to any of them really, once or twice, but mostly out of courtesy of just saying "Hey, we used to talk alot so Im seeing how you are". Ive moved on to new friends, and finally have been taking smash more seriously, trying to be an active part of a community, going to tournaments and such (though I still have a much bigger impact I plan to show). Recently I got mad at a friend though, because after a few days of tension, we had a conversation that to me, ended in him saying "Well its not like our friendship really matters". I'm pretty sure I know thats not true, but it still bugged me, and made me think of all things Ive been through since joining this site, a site I joined just so I could make a name for myself. It made me think of how, at 17 years of age, when my family life had gone to great to hell in a matter of 3 months, that when I found a somewhat special group of people, I began to cling to them, and told myself "As long as they like me, the me that I show them, thats all that matters, and nothing else", like if someone has an unhealthy obsession with there online guild or something. I was not any better for most of my 18th year, I was quite honestly worse, clinging far to tightly, on a bunch of emotions that I'm unsure really exsisted. Then of course the fall out happened around the time of my 19th birthday, and I became more bitter, more sick. But that fall out, the day I lost that sorta freaky online obsession truly helped me, and Im thankful for that, it took me a few months to get it, but I do finally get it. That for starters, no friendship can ever be built upon a sin (in this case, lies), and that you should try your best to be a good person wherever you go, whether thats to school, to your job, even on the interweb (unless your on a troll website, than by all means, troll XD). That fallout also helped me move on with my life, focus on my education, focus on getting a healthy relationship (which I finally got), focus on working hard on what you enjoy (for example, Smashing) and to just try your hardest at what you do, while still having the best attitude possible to everyone around you. sure fights and fallouts will happen, but as long as your honest, I think any friendship can survive anything.
2 years ago, I was sick, depressed, maniacal, cunning, scheming, twisted ego-maniac, that really only cared about himself, yes I did care about the friends I made, but the end result wasnt about them, it was about me. But now, Im a much better person, Im a lot more honest, I tend to do my best to try and help people out whenever they need it, Im considerate to others, Im hard working, I mean I still have my faults (still can get pretty depressed about things, and I have a pretty bad temper at times, but those as well have improved greatly), but just looking back on it all, its amazing that your able to say to yourself that "Yes, I am a far better person, and that everything matters", it honestly makes me thankful (My thanksgiving tie on....even if mine happened a month ago =p) to this site and many of the people on it, that everyone, whether they wanted to or not, directly or indirectly, helped me become a far happier guy and a generally good person, rather than what I was. So that's my little journal, it's nothing special, not really worth looking at probably, but it was relaxing to reflect on it and write everything infront of my eyes. So to anyone Ive ever made contact with on this site and had any interaction with, Im sorry for anything I may have done, and thank you for helping me see the light. Though I need a more relative title now that I think about it.....eh...good enough XD
