I constantly feel like I'm useless, worthless, unintelligent trash.
I am bluntly pessimistic, cynical, and sociopathic to my core.
I've never had anything more than situational acquaintances and probably never will.
All I've ever known since severe depression in the 4th grade is pain, sorrow and hatred. I've never had a job and don't think I'll ever be capable of being hired.
I'm seriously considering suicide and almost tried it yesterday.
If I had the means or resources to make my death absolutely certain, I would've killed myself years ago.
I don't know what one could possibly say to any and all of what you've said, although I suppose it's the mere saying that is most important. First off, I think anyone who says they are useless, worthless, and unintelligent are to some degree if not wholly coming from a place of ignorance. People are bunches of qualities and no quality can be described without detailing what it can do in order to be itself, its potential. The thing about that though is it is an impossible feat to really know what your mind and body is capable of. You can think all you like that you've a pretty good idea, but you'd only be using the knowledge and experience you've gained to be making judgments about a large array of "yous" that have more to them than you're capable of grasping by virtue of not being those potentials. If you see yourself as weak, those are observations of qualities you have. Even those can be of use as they are without alteration, all weakness implies strength and vise versa because each quality or even the lack of a quality allows for possibilities that wouldn't exist if the seemingly more preferable status existed.
To know thyself is the most difficult and important task of one's life and even when you die you'll have failed but it is something everyone still must do if they wish to avoid despair.
You believe you're useless? To what ends? Do those ends matter? And is something capable of not being useless not truly useless by definition? And what of unintelligence? Does THAT really matter? And doesn't things like memory retention and aptitude to being intuitive to a degree depend on changeable factors like interest, stimulation, and effort?
At any rate, I can sympathize with the acquaintance and unintelligent aspects, in fact they kind of go hand in hand for me. During my salad days I'd cycle through various best friends and such things, but at this point in time I cannot for the life of me hold any or almost zero remembrance of my interactions with them. Surely they existed, right? And if they did, were they so hollow and insignificant that my brain did not bother to take a tight grip to keep hold of through the passages of time? The result is no attachment to reconnect, if there was ever any connection, and any attempts comes up with disappointment when it becomes apparent that the things they enjoyed or cared about in our supposed conversations are completely lost on me, totally forgotten. At this point in time, I spend nearly 100% of my days inside and I go weeks or months not reaching out or being reached out to, not that I'm consciously lamenting over such a fact, it simply is. My apathy is the source and it's self-perpetuating, unless I find someway to make myself care, to be useful, to not be cynical, sociopathic, unintelligent, I'll continue to lose interest in ever changing and even become worse at the transition as I lose touch more and more which in turns furthers my disinterest in helping myself. I know the "trick" to fixing my problems, and yet I'm so spoiled/sheltered I cannot be bothered.
Nor could I ever be arsed to end my life, but you, you consider it because you have a distinct and known desire to become better. Trying to commit suicide is a declaration that one cares or wishes to care, otherwise such an attempt wouldn't have ever come into being through any sort of energy. I've never had a job either and my future is so uncertain and bleak in that respect that I can only bear consciousness if I can find some way of turning a blind eye and any mention of it by others makes me sick and any mention of it by myself reveals that right beneath my skin there's a bubbling mess of emotions waiting to swallow my voice and any of its utterances. I don't know who you are and I'm sure you've suffered much more than I ever have, but it is for that very reason I think you can do it. I cannot lie, this is not coming from a person in your position nor the position that you wish to go, so I can't give you any answers or echos, so I can only hope that whatever blocks of text I just typed out holds any sort of meaning to you at all.
You can do it TSO. ^_^ You just don't know it yet.
Little kids are fun when they're sleeping/not breaking things.
