IWontGetOverTheDam
Smash Lord
John: n. a widely accepted term for excuses the loser will often use as to why they lost. Typically these range from reasonable to the absurd.
Winner: "Good match. That was a close one."
Loser: "I didn't have breakfast this morning, that's probably why I lost. And my controller sucked. Oh, and I would have merked you if it wasn't for my hands getting sweaty towards the end."
What is a John? A John is an excuse as to why one lost a match, typically used in the Super Smash Brothers community. Why does one John? Mostly because there is not reason not to! If you lost a match, would you want to be a dignified little wuss about it? If you John, then your opponent will know you had a true reason to lose. Maybe your buttons were sticky, maybe you did a whole bunch of heroin before the match, it doesn't matter. What matters is that if you had truly wanted to beat them, you could have.
You may be thinking, "Hey, IWontGetOvertheDam, isn't Johning just a way to make excuses and cover up for the fact that you just aren't good at the game?" No, stupid reader! If anything, Johning makes you seem better than your opponent! If you John, then the other person thinks, "Woah, if they wanted to, they could have beaten me! And hard!" In fact, did you know that even Jesus himself Johned? To quote Mark 16:3, "Thou art merely a scrub, for thou only chooseth Marth. Had my controller not laggethed, I would surely have been victorious."
Now you're probably thinking, "Well, now that I know what Johning is, how do I John?" Well, Johning is a relatively simple process. It is comprised of a few simple steps.
Step 1: Lose. No John can begin with a victory. If you won the match, what reason would you have to John?
Step 2: Find a reason. This is the easy part, mostly because it can be just about anything, ranging from the reasonable to the ridiculous.
Step 3: John. John like you've never Johned before.
Step 4: React. When you John, your opponent may bring out the old "No Johns" retort. Don't be fooled. Johning is perfectly acceptable, and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, you must react accordingly. Such reactions include swearing, pointing, yelling, unplugging your controller, pressing reset, or storming out in anger.
Congratulations. You now officially know how to John like a pro. Of course, there are many types of Johns. Here are the basics:
Controller Johns
-This isn't my controller
-I was getting lag
-I'm using the sideways Wiimote
-I'm using the Wiimote/Nunchuck
-My buttons are sticky
-My Wavebird was 1/312 second behind
-My controller came unplugged
- My Wavebird has no batteries
Character Johns
-You chose Marth/Meta-Knight/Wolf/Other high-tier character
-I was using Ike/Jigglypuff/Ganondorf/Other low-tier character
-You were spamming moves
-That character is so broken
-I wasn't using my main
-I chose random
- I couldn't hit Captain Falcon's knee
Stage Johns
-I got gimped by the stage
-I didn't grab the ledge
-This stage is cheap
-This stage is too random
-Random gave us the worst stage
-You built the stage, so you had an advantage
Player Johns
-It's your Wii
-It's your house
-It's your disc
-I'm hungry
-I'm tired
-I'm drunk
-I'm high
-You cheated
-I haven't played for a few days
-My shoes are untied
-The sun is in my eyes
-My (*insert body part here*) hurts because I play so intense
Misc. Johns
-Items are cheap
-Heavy/Light/Fast/Slow/Other Brawl is cheap
-You got a lucky Pokeball/Assist Trophy
-I got a crappy Pokeball/Assist Trophy
-Your Final Smash is cheap
-My Final Smash sucks
Wi-Fi Johns
-Too much lag
-My connections sucks
-Your connection sucks
-We're in your Wi-Fi room
-We're using your rules
-I couldn't see you so I couldn't use mind games
List to be updated. Got any Johns I didn't mention? Post them in the thread!
Congratulations! You are now a professional Johnner! Next time you lose a match, make sure your opponent knows that, had you been able to, you would have whooped their ***!
Winner: "Good match. That was a close one."
Loser: "I didn't have breakfast this morning, that's probably why I lost. And my controller sucked. Oh, and I would have merked you if it wasn't for my hands getting sweaty towards the end."
What is a John? A John is an excuse as to why one lost a match, typically used in the Super Smash Brothers community. Why does one John? Mostly because there is not reason not to! If you lost a match, would you want to be a dignified little wuss about it? If you John, then your opponent will know you had a true reason to lose. Maybe your buttons were sticky, maybe you did a whole bunch of heroin before the match, it doesn't matter. What matters is that if you had truly wanted to beat them, you could have.
You may be thinking, "Hey, IWontGetOvertheDam, isn't Johning just a way to make excuses and cover up for the fact that you just aren't good at the game?" No, stupid reader! If anything, Johning makes you seem better than your opponent! If you John, then the other person thinks, "Woah, if they wanted to, they could have beaten me! And hard!" In fact, did you know that even Jesus himself Johned? To quote Mark 16:3, "Thou art merely a scrub, for thou only chooseth Marth. Had my controller not laggethed, I would surely have been victorious."
Now you're probably thinking, "Well, now that I know what Johning is, how do I John?" Well, Johning is a relatively simple process. It is comprised of a few simple steps.
Step 1: Lose. No John can begin with a victory. If you won the match, what reason would you have to John?
Step 2: Find a reason. This is the easy part, mostly because it can be just about anything, ranging from the reasonable to the ridiculous.
Step 3: John. John like you've never Johned before.
Step 4: React. When you John, your opponent may bring out the old "No Johns" retort. Don't be fooled. Johning is perfectly acceptable, and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, you must react accordingly. Such reactions include swearing, pointing, yelling, unplugging your controller, pressing reset, or storming out in anger.
Congratulations. You now officially know how to John like a pro. Of course, there are many types of Johns. Here are the basics:
Controller Johns
-This isn't my controller
-I was getting lag
-I'm using the sideways Wiimote
-I'm using the Wiimote/Nunchuck
-My buttons are sticky
-My Wavebird was 1/312 second behind
-My controller came unplugged
- My Wavebird has no batteries
Character Johns
-You chose Marth/Meta-Knight/Wolf/Other high-tier character
-I was using Ike/Jigglypuff/Ganondorf/Other low-tier character
-You were spamming moves
-That character is so broken
-I wasn't using my main
-I chose random
- I couldn't hit Captain Falcon's knee
Stage Johns
-I got gimped by the stage
-I didn't grab the ledge
-This stage is cheap
-This stage is too random
-Random gave us the worst stage
-You built the stage, so you had an advantage
Player Johns
-It's your Wii
-It's your house
-It's your disc
-I'm hungry
-I'm tired
-I'm drunk
-I'm high
-You cheated
-I haven't played for a few days
-My shoes are untied
-The sun is in my eyes
-My (*insert body part here*) hurts because I play so intense
Misc. Johns
-Items are cheap
-Heavy/Light/Fast/Slow/Other Brawl is cheap
-You got a lucky Pokeball/Assist Trophy
-I got a crappy Pokeball/Assist Trophy
-Your Final Smash is cheap
-My Final Smash sucks
Wi-Fi Johns
-Too much lag
-My connections sucks
-Your connection sucks
-We're in your Wi-Fi room
-We're using your rules
-I couldn't see you so I couldn't use mind games
List to be updated. Got any Johns I didn't mention? Post them in the thread!
Congratulations! You are now a professional Johnner! Next time you lose a match, make sure your opponent knows that, had you been able to, you would have whooped their ***!
