The Ultimate Comprehensive Guide to Johns: What are Johns, How to John, and more!

[Ace55]

-Dude, I was trying to finish my beer.

-I'm sure I was shielding (get's used on me way to many times).

-I'm sure I attacked first (another overused classic).

-My controller didn't respond (mainly from the Melee era, his controller seems to respond nowadays).

 

[J0RDY]

**** Brawl, with it's stupid controller priority! (Then get out of there before your opponent realises you were in port 1 anyway XD)

 

[JiangWei23]

"-You built the stage, so you had an advantage"

Funnily enough, among our friends we've noticed this trend with created stages: the person who created the stage never comes in first place.

 

[Monshou_no_Nazo]

FFA John
- *L + R + A + Start* Will you <explicit word>s stop it!? All you do is gang up! That's it! We're doing timed matches from now on so it will be fair!

Stage John
- Final Destination/Lylat Cruise screwed up my recovery! That's the only reason you won.

WiFi John
- Your taunts really hurt my feelings, because they kept telling me that I sucked and are a n00b.

Forum John
- Hmph. Your join date is February 2008. I have no business with the likes of you!

Sakurai John
- SAAAAKURAIIIIII!!!

 

[robosteven]

"The barrel roll button wasn't working."

SOMEBODY SAID THIS ONCE AT A TOURNEY.

AND, THERE YOU GO.

BOTH R AND Z WERE BROKEN.

 

[robosteven]

Stupidest John ever:

"I would've won if I didn't lose"

Best John ever. Whut are YOU talking about?

 

[NinjaFoxX]

FFA John
- *L + R + A + Start* Will you <explicit word>s stop it!? All you do is gang up! That's it! We're doing timed matches from now on so it will be fair!

Stage John
- Final Destination/Lylat Cruise screwed up my recovery! That's the only reason you won.

WiFi John
- Your taunts really hurt my feelings, because they kept telling me that I sucked and are a n00b.

Forum John
- Hmph. Your join date is February 2008. I have no business with the likes of you!

Sakurai John
- SAAAAKURAIIIIII!!!

I lol'd at the last 2

"The barrel roll button wasn't working."

SOMEBODY SAID THIS ONCE AT A TOURNEY.

AND, THERE YOU GO.

BOTH R AND Z WERE BROKEN.

I ROFL'd AT THAT ONE

"do a barrel roll" i cant my controllers broken

 

[UltiMario]

-Your connection sucks

What if their connection DOES suck?
Because one of my friends connections sucks, he says I have Green to him, but he has red to me....
:O

 

[Monshou_no_Nazo]

-Your connection sucks

What if their connection DOES suck?
Because one of my friends connections sucks, he says I have Green to him, but he has red to me....
:O

Then pretend that you were just using a higher tier character than him.

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

My friend just used this one: "I had something in my eye so I couldn't see."

 

[fkacyan]

FFA John
- *L + R + A + Start* Will you <explicit word>s stop it!? All you do is gang up! That's it! We're doing timed matches from now on so it will be fair!

I john'd like this back in the Melee days, but I didn't reset the match because I won. I still john'd, though.

 

[Monshou_no_Nazo]

I john'd like this back in the Melee days, but I didn't reset the match because I won. I still john'd, though.

This guy first reset (this was over WiFi, and we were in an IRC room) because we had managed to get the 3rd person to one stock, and he and I were still at 3 stock.

The 2nd time was when I ended up killing him twice over the other guy. That's when he johnned about the lack of sportsmanship the 2nd time. Nevermind the fact that I juggled him off of Bridge of Edlin with a Blaster, with the Pit watching from the skies above.

While it is not a traditional john in the sense that he was making excuses about losing, he was johnning about my FFA strategy. >_>

 

[orintemple]

I had never heard someone use the "my hands are cold" john before, and then a friend of mine used it last night, the same day I read it here, I lol'd.

 

[Spital]

I was toying with you the whole fight

- Very common amongst some of my friends

 

[acv]

its your tv.

 

[Melee1]

I only John when I lose to scrubs (Wobbles) Lol

 

[WuTangDude]

You forgot the new classic John:

"If this was Melee, I would've won"

Or

"I couldn't L-cancel"
"I couldn't Wavedash"

 

[Devil7]

"Well if you wern't so good maybe I would win all of the time"

 

[The Executive]

Sad that I've heard the majority of these.

Controller Johns
-This isn't my controller (so?)
-I was getting lag (lies)
-I'm using the Wiimote/Nunchuck (Your fault.)
-My buttons are sticky (DON'T EAT DONUTS BEFORE PLAYING)
-My Wavebird was 1/312 second behind (Frames are 1/60. It wouldn't matter)
-My controller came unplugged (Well who was holding it, genius?)

Character Johns
-You chose Marth/Meta-Knight/Wolf/Other high-tier character (And you didn't...why?)
-I was using Ike/Jigglypuff/Ganondorf/Other low-tier character (Your fault.)
-You were spamming moves (So spam your shield, moron)
-That character is so broken (This is only legitimate when facing Meta/Snake/G&W)
-I wasn't using my main (Your fault.)
-I chose random (Your fault.)
- I couldn't hit Captain Falcon's knee (That indicates failure on your part to setup properly)

Stage Johns
-I got gimped by the stage (EVERYONE gets gimped by FD. Get over it.)
-I didn't grab the ledge (Your fault.)
-This stage is cheap (Adapt.)
-This stage is too random (see above)
-Random gave us the worst stage (REALLY?!?!?!)
-You built the stage, so you had an advantage (Then don't suck as much.)

Player Johns
-It's your Wii (no, it's not)
-It's your disc (No, it's not.)
-I'm hungry (Your fault.)
-I'm tired (Your fault.)
-You cheated (YOU CAN'T CHEAT WITHOUT A CHEAT DEVICE.)
-I haven't played for a few days (Your fault.)

Misc. Johns
-Items are cheap (Then just let me use them and you play without 'em.)
-Your Final Smash is cheap (Thats why it's a Final Smash.)
-My Final Smash sucks (Your fault.)

Wi-Fi Johns
-Too much lag (Adapt.)
-My connections sucks (Your fault.)
-Your connection sucks (No, P2P connection sucks for everyone)
-We're in your Wi-Fi room (Your fault for joining.)
-We're using your rules (I was unaware I was credited with introducing 4 stock.)
-I couldn't see you so I couldn't use mind games (What?)

 

[GreenKirby]

I usually play as Mewtwo, Roy, Pichu, or Dr. Mario and that's why I lost.

OH WAIT

 

[WuTangDude]

This johns gonna be huge, I can already tell:

"I tripped!"

 

[Super Drybones]

I usually just fall to the ground and scream "I got shot!"

 

[fkacyan]

This johns gonna be huge, I can already tell:

"I tripped!"

Legitimate excuse though.

I could be the best Smash player in the world and lose because of tripping.

 

[Cat Fight]

Cat Johns

"Your cat was in front of the TV"
"Your cat unplugged the Wii"
"Your cat jumped on my lap and I was forced to pet it due to its unrelenting cuteness *fist shake*"

 

[Bobo_The_Monkey]

"You only won 'cause i was blind-folded."
" You only won 'cause i was using the wii mote w/out the nunchuk."

 

[Kratos_Aurion]

"I lost because you spawned on top of the Smash Ball" Live with it.
"I lost because I got the weak Golden Hammer" -That's the chance you take when you pick it up

 

[Big Bob]

In an actual fight, I had gotten Falco from the Random button and my opponent was Jigglypuff. I didn't really know how to use Falco, so I tended to just spam some of his more effective attacks (like his reflector). At one point during the match, I threw the reflector and Jigglypuff kicked it back at me, hurting me. This surprised the crap out of me. I ended up losing the match, and though during the match I had accidentally Side+B'd off the side of the stage, I johned creatively.

"I would have won had you not reflected my reflector."

Good times.

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

Sakurai tripped me.

 

[metaXzero]

I've been johning incorrectly? Thank you.

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

Woah. This is a relic....


.....allinforathreadrevivalsayI. I.

 

[Talazala]

This ancient artifact has reappeared because a thread was made and was called "What is this "no johns" remark?". This activated my trap card which summoned this thread. The trap cards effect also includes locking the thread that asked this question, which is why it is now locked. XD

 

[IWontGetOverTheDam]

Yu-Gi-Oh references FTW.

.....That wasn't really a plan, was it.

 

[-Linko-]

"You just won because i wanted to John, and I can't john without losing!"

 

[Sosuke]

"My c-stick malfunctioned"
This actually happened to my friend in a tournement once. >_>

 

[Johnthegalactic]

Just so you guys know, I am a John...heh...

 

[Talazala]

Yu-Gi-Oh references FTW.

.....That wasn't really a plan, was it.

I'm pretty sure it's coincidential. I just took advantage of the fact that another John thread was locked and a old one came back. I just made all that cr@p up about me locking the thread with a trap card and summoning this one. lol

 

[AlphaWeapon]

- *spaf* mosquitoes

 

[dancingfrogman]

This game is rigged for me to lose

The R button doesn't work properly

Thats unfair, you cheated

You obviously used action replay to win me.

 

[Eldrake]

"I and my mother were screaming at each other while I were playing, completely ruining my concentration"

"I only lost because you used Warioware Wario. Warioware Wario fills me with so much rage that I screams up into the skies, punches the walls, kicks my computer down, and screams so high that I completely forgot that I were playing. By the time I remembered that I were playing, you just won the match"

"Sakurai took away Wavedashing from me! That's why I lost with Fox against your Ganondorf!"

"I lost because I saw my favorite idol out on the street, and as such I ran over to get his autograph!"

"My Wiimote ran out of batteries! I had to get new batteries while you began comboing me!"

 

[NinjaFoxX]

"Sakurai took away Wavedashing from me! That's why I lost with Fox against your Ganondorf!"

i swear i was just about to post somthing like this>.>