WWYP4 Scores and Comments (Rev's and Zaft's posted. Seriously.)

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (5/5) An interesting idea.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (3/5) A fair few dangling modifiers and some typos. Also, you used “your” instead of “you’re,” which is pretty much unforgivable. Your first sentence is a run-on.

• Bluezaft (9/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) Kaden is a decent character, but you fail in one very important respect. He does come off as a jerk, but when I think about what kind of person might go to hell, I don’t usually consider the run-of-the-mill jerk. Kaden is unsympathetic enough that I don’t care about him. On the other hand, he isn’t a bad enough person that I think he goes where he belongs. Cratford is no more than an archetype.

• Bluezaft (8/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) For a story that takes place in Hell, you don’t do nearly enough to establish a creepy atmosphere. I realize that your Hell isn’t the Lake of Fire or anything like that, but you missed a big opportunity by failing to include small, unsettling differences between Hell and the real world. Kaden could have noticed an odd smell on the air or that a layer of dark clouds had covered the sky while he was unconscious. Or any of a thousand other things. Hell is one of the most interesting settings a person can write about, and yet you chose to not differentiate it from everyday life. In spite of this fault, you do have some pretty good passages in this story (Kaden’s view of New York towards the beginning is great, for example).

• Bluezaft (5/10) a higher power forcing the main character to undergo a series of events to make him stop being such a jerk is somewhat overdone
• Rev (7/10) Overall, I like your story, but again, I don’t dig your Hell. Kaden dieing over and over again doesn’t seem like the worst torture imaginable; it’s a rather uncreative depiction of hell. Also, this story becomes kind of funny if you consider the possibility that Smiths is an agent of Satan.

• Bluezaft (2/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) The devil is kind of mean.

• Bluezaft (3/5) [no comment]
• Rev (3/5) Your magical object is a bit marginalized, but I like the implications of what’s coming next.

• Bluezaft (5/5) I only spotted one mistake
• Rev (4/5) A couple bad commas, some typos and missing words. But not too many.

• Bluezaft (6/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) I imagine that it’s tough to give a member of a hive much of an identity. You did well, all things considered. Some of the dialogue seems awkward to me, but it fits in with the odd characters.

• Bluezaft (7/10) [no comment]
• Rev (8/10) This is where your story shines. You managed to create a really interesting feeling of being within a hive. For example, when the hive is invaded, it was a great idea to write it as if Reshmi herself is being *****. I liked the stream of consciousness sections—you used them with just the right frequency. Your description of the Om-cryst is great.

• Bluezaft (7/10) [no comment]
• Rev (7/10) Very quick moving. You manage to write a very interesting story in spite of the entirely alien characters and setting. I love how cyclical it feels—there’s a hint that this could be happening for the thousandth time. This story is one of the few that actually merits a second reading.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev(4/5) Like I said, I’m interested in reading this again to get a better idea of what you were shooting for. This is the kind of subtlety I mention in some of my other critiques—your theme isn’t immediately apparent, but your story doesn’t feel like empty calories.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) The token may be odd, but you establish it as being made by a clever inventor.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) Your sentence structure is grammatically-wonky at times, but you don’t have many typos or other mistakes.

• Bluezaft (10/10) weird characters, but enjoyable! You have a thing for ridiculously cute kids.
• Rev (7/10) A lot of your dialogue tends to sound very unrealistic. There is a lot in your story that I can’t imagine someone actually saying. I like your characters regardless. You manage to develop Sam, Drew, and Manny pretty well even though you switch perspectives fairly often. I don’t always agree with your characters, but that’s not because they seem fake. Sam especially has a personality of her own.

• Bluezaft (9/10) your style always makes me enjoy reading your stories
• Rev (7/10) You have your faults. The changes in tense, some awkward phrasing, some pretty funky word choice. In spite of your problems, there’s something very charming about your story. Reading your story, I occasionally smiled just because of a good sentence. You aren’t working on a professional level yet, but I like your style a lot.

• Bluezaft (8/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) A little long and a little convoluted, but not in a way that makes the story a chore to read. I definitely wouldn’t complain if it moved a little faster, though. The small asides don’t add very much, though, and I think you could express your theme well enough without them.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) You state it too clearly, but that’s really the only problem. With a little more subtlety, you could have forced me to spend more time thinking about your story, which definitely would have been a good thing.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) Good, but not definitively magical. And the key’s a little bit cliché, don’t you think?

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) Some typos and a couple small snafus.

• Bluezaft (10/10) wow, I didn’t expect to find such depth in Faradon. At first I thought it was going to be another ol’ detective story, but I was pleasantly surprised.
• Rev (10/10) You handled this especially well considering the short format. You manage to show Faradon’s decline very effectively; he toes the line of insanity and steps back. I loved watching him drift closer to the edge throughout the course of the story. I enjoyed the scene between Faradon and Sam. You had some good dialogue and a good portrayal of their relationship. This may belong in the plot category, but I’m glad Faradon decided to not shoot the Puzzler. The whole “good detective driven to murder” thing is starting to get a little played out.

• Bluezaft (8/10) [no comment]
• Rev (9/10) You’re really getting this noir thing down. Just the right amount of effectively-used metaphors. The imagery of fire you used was a great way to establish Faradon’s character and to foreshadow the reveal at the end. You have a couple twisted sentences and some questionable word choices, though.

• Bluezaft (8/10) [no comment]
• Rev (10/10) You know, at first I was planning on penalizing your score because of the way the Puzzler seems to come out of nowhere at the end. “Oh, so he actually knows this guy?” Looking back, though, I realize that that’s how it had to be: A vague mention of some local college professor would make it too obvious, and anyway, Faradon’s meant to not remember everything about his past. After coming to terms with that, I was left with a quick-moving, tightly-plotted story.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (5/5) Revenge, yeah, but also that question of self-worth. Your story is the sort that makes even civilians wonder “what-if?” A good theme in the tradition of one of your favorite director/writer teams (you know which one).

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (5/5) I like how the key actually comes back into play at the end. Good job.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4.5/5) Very few mistakes.

• Bluezaft (4/10) [no comment]
• Rev (4/10) I know that you were working in a short format, but I didn’t get a good feel for Jake. You tell us that his grades are slipping, that he’s becoming apathetic towards his life, but, well, show, don’t tell (as much as I hate to fall back on that aphorism). It’s hard for me to care very much about Jake when all I know about him is that he’s another depressed teenager. Jake doesn’t grow throughout the story—his development is all implied. Again, that’s mainly a result of the length of the story, but it works better in the story than Jake’s introduction.

• Bluezaft (8/10) you did a great job of creating a suspense, but at times it needs to slow down
• Rev (6/10) This is a tricky area for me to grade. Your symbolism is interesting and obviously thought out. Your (Silent Hill-inspired?) imagery contributes to a very creepy atmospheric vibe. On the other hand, you have sentences like this: “Or maybe...the key!” Ellipses and exclamation points don’t have a place in serious fiction. You have some questionable word choice and your sentences are frequently poorly-structured. Read your story aloud to catch mistakes like this. Overall, your story isn’t all that well-written, but it doesn’t feel like it’s poorly-written, if you know what I mean. I think this is a result of good potential; your writing is already decent. Now you just have to make it great.

• Bluezaft (9/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) Your plot feels a little too dictated by your theme. Nonetheless, the strong sense of atmosphere helps to make the story compelling. I had a couple of problems with the gun Jake finds, though. Problem the first: How did Jake know the gun only had one bullet? Problem the second: It seems implied that Jake is to shoot himself, but why not try to shoot the crawling man? I docked your score a bit because a short story absolutely does not need a prologue.

• Bluezaft (3/5) [no comment]
• Rev (3/5) Keep your chin up! Things could be worse!” Overly reduced, definitely, but not too inaccurate for that. Your theme isn’t very deep, but it’s competently-handled.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) You had a good idea, but it could have been executed a little better. The old man knows about the card—why? Something is missing here.

• Bluezaft (2/5) desperately need proof-reading
• Rev (2/5) Your excessive misuse of commas offends my dainty sensibility. Typos abound. Did you even bother using spell check? Some tense-switching. Watch “it’s” versus “its.” There are even a couple places where you slip into first-person perspective (and no, I don’t mean the sections that are narrated by the bird).

• Bluezaft (6/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) Your protagonist is developed fairly well. I don’t understand why he throws away the card at the end, though. Elias and Aliss feel empty, and your dialogue is hit-and-miss. Some of the conversation between James and Aliss works well, but lots of it seems very awkward. I can’t imagine a person speaking some of those sentences. I think you’ll improve in your characterizations with time and practice.

• Bluezaft (5/10) again, a lack of proof-reading makes gaping holes in the style as well. Often I couldn’t even decipher what you meant.
• Rev (4/10) The switch between third-person and first-person narration doesn’t work at all. Your transitions are awkward and unclear; it took me a while to realize that you were actually changing viewpoints instead of just forgetting to revise your pronouns. It doesn’t help that you change POV at the worst possible times, either. I want to be in James’s head when he meets the old man or when he throws away the card. The switch badly hurts the momentum and flow your story builds up. Aside from this, you have some promising tendencies. I like a lot of what you do, and with some revision, I think this could be a decent piece.

• Bluezaft (5/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) Pretty interesting, but your story would benefit from a greater sense of mystery. James accepts the card as a normal part of life pretty quickly, and I think the story would be more interesting if James was more motivated to find out who sent it and why to him. The scene where he meets Aliss seems to slow down the plot, instead of expanding on the theme (this might be because it relies so heavily on dialogue).

• Bluezaft (2/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) I might know what you’re shooting for, but it’s very tenuous and I’m afraid to even say because I’m probably wrong. I think you could have developed the theme better if you stayed with James at the end instead of switching tense.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (3/5) Your story don’t follow the prompt exactly, but you do have an imaginative approach.

• Bluezaft (4/5) petals, not peddles
• Rev (4.5/5) Started this one off in the first person, eh?

• Bluezaft (10/10) [no comment]
• Rev (9/10) Some of your dialogue toes the line of witty banter, but for the most part it is realistic and fits your characters. It’s fun to read even though it is a tad “hey look how charming this guy is.” I love the shift you make at the end of the story; we follow the guy, but when the artist wakes up, you realize how focused on her the story is. The beginning is a view of the artist through the writer’s eyes, and the dream takes us inside her head.

• Bluezaft (9/10) [no comment]
• Rev (9.5/10) I hesitate to call this perfect because there were just a few rough sentences that took me out of the story. But still, what a wonderful world you’ve created. I easily imagined almost every aspect of the story: The girl and her caricature, her painting of the blue flower, the writer’s dream. Oh, the dream especially. You’ve written an excellent story, and I’m glad it’s a little less obtuse than some of your other recent works I’ve read.

• Bluezaft (9/10) [no comment]
• Rev (8/10) So, a writer guy travels to a foreign country to meet up with an artist girl whom he has communicated with exclusively via the internet. She decides that they can never be together. How’d you come up with that one? (I kid, I kid.)

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (5/5) Your story may be about relationships, but it’s definitely worth thinking about. The evocation of “Ode on a Grecian Urn” doesn’t hurt, either.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) Well, I guess. But how did the orb even have an effect on the Prince? He basically got one guilt-free night out of it, and then everything went back to normal.

• Bluezaft (4/5) He was very affectionate for her grew; for though by the power of the Orb he had no recollection of the memory of the ****, her beauty remained, and his love for her rekindled.
• Rev (4/5) You have a little bit of trouble with how to use punctuation in your more complicated sentences, but overall your story is fairly free of mistakes.

• Bluezaft (6/10) [no comment]
• Rev (3/10) The Prince is a guy who does stuff. We don’t really know anything else about him. It seems like he chooses between two major philosophies twice in your story, but you never give the reader any idea of why he does so. The only thing that makes the Prince anything more than an extra in a movie is his guilt (which disappears for part of the story anyway). When I first started reading, I thought, “Oh, God, is this Prince of Persia fanfiction?” I guess it’s not, but you didn’t do anything to distinguish your Prince from the famous one. Your other characters are just accessories.

• Bluezaft (3/10) add a formal tone to reflect the setting, but sometimes (really) awkward
• Rev (5/10) You don’t write down anything beyond what the characters do. No metaphor, barely any description, no atmosphere. Your sentences get a bit unwieldy at times, but you do an okay job of writing different types of sentences to hold interest. And about that poem at the beginning: Let’s just say you’re no Pope.

• Bluezaft (8/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) Your plot isn’t unoriginal or boring; it is, however, poorly paced. Why do we need to spend so much time with the Prince and the Merchant? You ought to take those words, tear them down, and use those old letters to add something interesting to the Gypsy encounter. Stuff happens, but you don’t give much reason to care what happens next.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) You take your theme directly from a Bible passage, have one of your characters state it, and then make a footnote of the passage. There’s something to be said for subtlety, you know.

• Bluezaft (3/5) I…guess. Some bullet is magical and protects him? Not enough about it is explained.
• Rev (3/5) The bullet doesn’t seem all that magical to me. The girl might be magical, but the bullet’s just lucky.

• Bluezaft (4/5) bad commas, tense shifts, nothing major
• Rev (3/5) Watch your punctuation. Also, don’t forget that you need to use the plural form of a verb if you’re going to use the pronoun “they.”

• Bluezaft (4/10) we’re filled in with information only
• Rev (5/10) I wouldn’t describe your protagonist as an archetype, really, but he lacks personality. He doesn’t show any sort of emotion until he realizes his revenge was a mistake. You did handle his obsessive hatred fairly well, though.

• Bluezaft (7/10) a standoffish style that works at times, but you zoom in on the emotion of the situation far too rarely
• Rev (7/10) Allow me to quote a passage: “The car skidded, hopelessly begging me not to hit a tree. Hopelessly is right.” There are issues with this, but let’s ignore that “is.” The second sentence is funny. You get an almost-noir feel, partially due to sentences like that and partially your metaphors. Not perfect by any means, but pretty good.

• Bluezaft (7/10) interesting. A little more explanation is needed, especially at the end. Also, it’s hard to believe that Bretz would feel homicidal rage toward the woman. He displays more anger toward his door that won’t open.
• Rev (8/10) I like it. You have good pacing here, which makes for a fun story to read. However, the protagonist doesn’t act at all like he has a broken arm. There are ways you could have written around it; you could have easily had him pistol whip the girl instead of keeping the gun trained and punching her, for example. I also thought the ending was a little too vague. I had to go back and reread it—at first I didn’t realize that it wasn’t a continuation of the supernatural.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) A revenge story! I like the blessing in disguise angle. It adds something that makes the story more thematically complicated than it would have been otherwise (in a good way).

• Bluezaft (1/5) [no comment]
• Rev (0.5/5) It seems like you think the saltshaker is magical just because of the way you described it. Sadly, a paragraph of description does not a magical object make. I’m giving you half a point because it seems like you might have simply neglected to write the most important sentence in the story. And then forgot to post the latter nine-tenths of the piece.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4.5/5) Pretty close, but in a story this short you have no excuse for any mistakes.

• Bluezaft (3/10) yeah, not a whole lot you can do in this area with such a small story
• Rev (2/10) I can barely even put my finger on your protagonist. Is he a harmless trickster? An experienced con artist? All I know is that he lied to the driver and stole some food. The cabbie is even less developed. He starts off very placid but almost immediately gets into a fistfight halfway through the story. Your driver is scenery, not a character.

• Bluezaft (7/10) though short, it still had a distinct characteristic to it that I liked
• Rev (5/10) Some things happen, and I suppose you describe them well enough. Your story has a couple big problems, though. The first is that the reader doesn’t get anything beyond what happens—the story simply moves from one action to the next. The second is that your story just feels amateur. I think it comes down to word choice. Crimson moonlight? He devours salty goodness? That’s the sort of thing you would put in a story to mess with a creative writing teacher, but I can’t imagine what would compel you to use that phrase in this competition. I’m also a bit confused about your italicized sentence in the middle of the story. Is that supposed to be one of Fein’s thoughts? Why is it in that tense?

• Bluezaft (3/10) again, too short for a great plot
• Rev (1/10) I think it would have been easier for Fein to escape if he had just jumped through one of your plot holes. “A cacophony of car horns” in the middle of the night? A fistfight starting between two people within seconds? Why didn’t the driver behind the cab just show that he didn’t actually throw anything? Why is there a fancy salt shaker in a bag of fast food? What’s up with the salt shaker and the guy coming around the corner at the end? It seems like the incident with the cabbie is just a way to give Fein the saltshaker and put him in the alley when the Tuxedo Man comes around so the story can really start. Your entry is a set-up for a story that never happens.

• Bluezaft (2/5) [no comment]
• Rev (0/5) I’m not getting anything out of this. Unless your story is meant to be a warning to the other WWYPers to start writing earlier than the night before the deadline, of course.

• Bluezaft (1/5) I have no clue what the box actually does
• Rev (3/5) The problem here is that the story ends as soon as the protagonist finds the music box. It would have been better if we were told more about how finding it actually affected her.

• Bluezaft (1/5) -2 for bad comma usage, another -2 for simply not proofreading
• Rev (4.5/5) Just a few typos.

• Bluezaft (4/10) [no comment]
• Rev (7/10) You actually have a fairly complete person here. You develop her to a great extent, and then, nothing. She finds the music box and has an experience that seems like it should have had a pretty large effect on her, but she barely even recalls it at the beginning. The story would definitely be more interesting if you hadn’t stopped so early.

• Bluezaft (3/10) story had a lot of potential, but the narrative was stuck in this mode of explicitly relating everything. I had no opportunity to infer anything and it all seemed emotionless.
• Rev (5/10) You have the basics down. Now you have to learn how to add color to your writing. At this point, you’re just describing what happens. How does it happen? How about some metaphor to make things more interesting? Your story seems at points like you were shooting for an almost conversational style. It would read better if you committed more strongly to that.

• Bluezaft (3/10) I like the idea, but it simply needs to be expanded on. I hope you’ll continue to work on it after the contest is over.
• Rev (4/10) My reaction to your story was, “Well? Now what?” So she finds the box. Shouldn’t something happen then? What’s the significance of the box? Why did her grandmother have it? How’d the protagonist react to finding it? It’s possible to leave a few lingering questions for the reader, but that’s not what you did. You just submitted an incomplete story. All the character development badly throws off the pacing—your story definitely reads like you expected it to turn out longer.

• Bluezaft (3/5) [no comment]
• Rev (1/5) Did you have one? I’m not sure.

• Bluezaft (2/5) it seemed like the item was only an excuse to use this story; it had no real significance to the plot
• Rev (4/5) I think I know where you were going with this, but something’s missing. What exactly is the significance of the necklace?

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) You have a number of typos, but in a story this length it’s not really surprising. Take some time away from a story before proofreading next time.

• Bluezaft (9/10) very good for the main characters, though I would have liked a bit more about David—I just didn’t hate him as much as I should
• Rev (7/10) Pretty good. Most of the dialogue is pretty good (although I didn’t much like David’s). I would have liked to get more into Gren’s head during Talia’s revelation, though. You could have fleshed out Talia better—she seems to have a very specific role in her world, and I would like to know what it is. Maybe you were trying to create a sense of mystery by not telling us what David did, but by not revealing his crime, you made Gren seem kind of evil, which I don’t think you intended.

• Bluezaft (7/10) [no comment]
• Rev (8/10) I like it. It’s pretty refined. Your humor works well. I think you could streamline some of your sentences and your word choice isn’t always great. Overall, the story read easily without being too simple.

• Bluezaft (9/10) [no comment]
• Rev (8/10) Good pacing. This was one of the few stories that really carried me along to the end and had me excited to find out what would happen. I was a bit confused about why Gren decided to have David killed, but I addressed that issue in characterization.

• Bluezaft (5/5) [no comment]
• Rev (5/5) It’s an interesting question—Gren seems like a nice guy. He’s honest and good to his family. And yet, he’s still motivated to try to have David killed. There’s an underlying question about the difference between justice and revenge (and, thanks to the grim ending, it’s not just something that Batman Begins already did better).

• Bluezaft (5/5) yup yup, magical door
• Rev (3.5/5) Good, but it doesn’t seem especially original to me.

• Bluezaft (4/5) solid, accept for one real problem:
  “Who’s there!” he yelled, eyeing the room suspiciously.
  this is ok
  “May I, come in?” his guard lowered slightly at the sound of a female voice.
  this one is two separate sentences. Should be:
  “May I, come in?” His guard lowered slightly at the sound of a female voice.
• Rev (2.5/5) Misused commas lead to some run-on sentences. Also, you have a missing period in the first sentence. You say you revised the story several times. How could you possibly have missed that?

• Bluezaft (4/10) Um…he’s tired of repetition, he likes to help people, and he doesn’t fancy 14-year-olds. Some more would be good.
• Rev (7/10) This is the strongest aspect of your story. I buy Clifford as a character (it helps that I almost immediately associated him with a professor of mine). I like how reflect the gradual changes of his mood and personality as he travels between realities. Your dialogue is weak, though.

• Bluezaft (6/10) [no comment]
• Rev (6/10) You have some pretty awkward sentences here and there. Your description is decent, but it never quite reaches a clear level of imagery. You barely do anything by way of metaphor. Also, I believe that Matt mentions the word “upon” in his general advice; you have the same problem with “whilst.” I rolled my eyes every time I saw it in your story.

• Bluezaft (3/10) It’s probably a bad thing if I know exactly what’s going to happen because there are so many movies/stories just like it.
• Rev (5/10) Pretty good, although a bit too driven by the theme for my taste. Theme is all well and good, but if you’re going to write fiction, you need to concentrate on writing a good story above everything else. It’s not very exciting to read, “Clifford goes here and learns a related lesson. Clifford goes somewhere else, learns a different lesson.” I wasn’t really compelled to keep writing by merit of the plot, but you did a good job whilst (see?) avoiding any major plot holes.

• Bluezaft (2/5) The ol’ be content with what you have theme. I’m not counting the “life is fleeting” stuff because that wasn’t demonstrated by the story at all and only comes into play through explicit dialogue and a written note.
• Rev (2/5) Like I wrote earlier: Your story is far too concentrated on theme. Another of Matt’s general comments is about subtlety in theme; yours is anything but subtle. It doesn’t help that you seem to depreciate the value of dissatisfaction with the day-in-day-out professional world.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (2/5) Well, Bruce does find a magical object, but what’s it matter? It could have just as easily been a regular gun.

• Bluezaft (4/5) [no comment]
• Rev (4/5) Relatively few mistakes.

• Bluezaft (5/10) [no comment]
• Rev (4/10) You have the same problem as a few of the other writers. Bruce and the gang don’t have much personality to them. The story reads as if you’re just vicariously living out your street justice fantasies. There isn’t much dialogue, but what is there is by turns flavorless or clichéd.

• Bluezaft (5/10) it seems insignificant, but the main character’s ridiculously corny name jarred me from the story a lot
• Rev (5/10) It’s not bad, especially if this really is your first. Since you haven’t been writing long, I don’t feel bad telling you that you need to do more showing and less telling. You don’t do much to make your writing interesting.

• Bluezaft (4/10) [no comment]
• Rev (5/10) Nor did you do much to make your plot interesting. You don’t build up any steam. The reader should be interested to see what happens next in an action-packed story like this, but your lacking pacing drains the story of excitement. That epilogue was totally unnecessary, by the way.

• Bluezaft (3/5) there was a good message about brotherhood there at the end. If you had focused a little more on it, you would have earned yourself a few more points in both theme and characterization.
• Rev (1/5) I didn’t learn anything.

Zephyr said:

You guys DO realize that you've incited rebellion all throughout WWYP, right? And that the next time a WWYP winner gets to pick a prompt it's going to be about who can come up with the longest, most creative and most vivid way of killing Scav and/or whoever edited the topic title?

Ooh, that would be fun.

Click to expand...

Eorlingas said:

Don't believe the topic title

Click to expand...

Zephyr said:

You've got 40 minutes, Scav.

EDIT: I will continue to edit this post until the minute count reaches zero, at which point if the scores are not posted I will pull the trigger of the .45 calibur pistol I am holding to my head.

Click to expand...

Zephyr said:

You've got 43 minutes, Scav.

EDIT: I will continue to edit this post until the minute count reaches zero, at which point if the scores are not posted I will pull the trigger of the .45 calibur pistol I am holding to my head.

Click to expand...

Zephyr said:

*checks*

Well, guys, I guess this is goodbye. It's been great fun, except for Scav and his suckiness. Before I go, I'd just like to say two things...

Kais...I have something to confess...

...your signature is godly. I just wanted you to know that before I died.

The second thing...

Scav sucks.

BANG.

Click to expand...

Zephyr said:

*checks*

Well, guys, I guess this is goodbye. It's been great fun, except for Scav and his suckiness. Before I go, I'd just like to say two things...

Kais...I have something to confess...

...your signature is godly. I just wanted you to know that before I died.

The second thing...

Scav sucks.

BANG.

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Revolutions said:

Okay, guys, I know you're all sick of waiting, so I'm going to post my critiques. Well, one of them. Without the name of the writer, and with all the specific details that might give away the story edited out. Good luck guessing!

Adherence to Prompt- 2/5 Not a very original idea.
Spelling and Grammar- 2/5 Did you even proofread this? Seriously. You can't even keep "there" and its brethren straight.
Characterization- 1/10 Congratulations! Your protagonist is so well-developed that he could very well be from a Uwe Boll film. And regarding your dialogue, allow me to quote Harrison Ford: "You can write this **** but you can't say it."
Style- 2/10 This reads like it was written by a fourth grader. Are you sure that you're old enough to be entering this contest? Just because you don't take it seriously doesn't mean you have to embarrass yourself.
Plot- 1/10 This is almost as good as an episode of Dragonball Z!!!!
Theme- 0/5 Please don't insult me with this pedantic high school bull****.

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Sniff, I thought it was pretty good

Kais said:

Oh no...I just realized how short my story is compared to everyone else's. O.O;

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vyse said:

Maybe if we threaten them with mass suicide...

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