Writing Workshop- Enter WWYP X!

[Jam Stunna]

Cool, this is a good idea for people like me who want to become at least a little better at writing. Here's my submission.

The end of another day had fallen. As the sun set once again, I watched the tree standing right in front of me. Shadows seemed to covered its bare branches, giving the tree a bit of a gloomy appearance. The tree seemed to towered over me, and the branches seemed to reached out to the sky above. As a soft wind blew across the darkening land, I could hear thin limbs gently swaying in the breeze. We were both alone, the tree and I; both of us stood ready, waiting for the approaching night.

With this one, I just cut out the unnecessary words. Be forceful and direct with your writing: either the shadows touch the branches, or they don't. Also, watch your tenses. I like how you wrote this, but never use the phrase "seemed to" again. That was the biggest problem I saw in this paragraph.

 

[Crimson King]

Sorry for the lack of participation. A lot of stuff has been going on. I'll catch up by this weekend though.

 

[Zolga Owns]

Sorry for the lack of participation. A lot of stuff has been going on. I'll catch up by this weekend though.

It's ok CK (i almost typed MK XD).

We all have lives ( Well not sure about some of the people on Smashboards...).


Just relax and enjoy life.

Live for the present, plan for the future.

 

[feardragon64]

We all have lives ( Well not sure about some of the people on Smashboards...).

I strongly disagree. I've checked this thread about 8 times a day, every day since I posted. lol

But zolga is right. We don't mind waiting. You're doing us a favor! =] Very much appreciated. Besides, I probably will write a corrected version of my post based on your response and done the same thing again. I don't expect you to be as absolutely bored as me. lol

 

[Jam Stunna]

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion.

Sorry man, I totally missed this post. What you have is good, but we need more. You still have 68 words to use. Use them to flesh out the imagery more. I will say though that it's easier to add to your writing than it is to subtract, so in that sense you're on the right track.

Also, CK and I will be moving into part two for this workshop over the weekend, so anyone who still wants to participate or revise their current submission should do so soon!

 

[Crimson King]

That works wonderfully for me.

Remember, to be considered as participating in Workshop 2 it's integral to have Workshop 1 done or you will be ridiculously behind.

Hopefully, our comments are actually helping.

 

[feardragon64]

Sorry man, I totally missed this post. What you have is good, but we need more. You still have 68 words to use. Use them to flesh out the imagery more. I will say though that it's easier to add to your writing than it is to subtract, so in that sense you're on the right track.

Fair enough. I see what you're saying and I have to admit that I sort of saw that coming...lol

How about this:

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion while the light shades of red and white collided with the deep hues of purple that lay above. The tree stood tall in contrast, yet togetherness with the sky. The tranquility of the passionate colors against the hardened tree left me in awe.

75 words? =b

 

[Jam Stunna]

Fair enough. I see what you're saying and I have to admit that I sort of saw that coming...lol

How about this:

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion. while The light shades of red and white collided with the deep hues of purple that lay above. The tree stood tall in contrast, yet togetherness with the sky. The tranquility of the passionate colors against the hardened tree left me in awe.

75 words? =b

Better, but now you're getting into unnecessary words. It's a very fine line between too much and too little. Basically, look at any writing as if it's an assignment: say what needs to be said, nothing more or less. Initially you didn't describe the scene enough, but with the edits I made, I think this approaches more of a happy medium.

The sentence that I highlighted is a good idea, but let's see if we can find a less clunky way to say it. Also, the last line is just kind of funky. It doesn't really add anything, and seems to be tacked on for the sake of more words. I removed it completely.

 

[feardragon64]

It's kind of creepy when you read my mind on what I was thinking while I typed that stuff.

The reason I was hesitant about starting a new sentence where you crossed out while was because it seems annoyingly repetitive to start three sentences in a row with the word "The." Another thing that I generally get the feeling about what I've written is that it feels somewhat disjointed, almost as though all of the sentences are completely independent of each other and hold little relation without context. I just don't feel the flow. Anyways, I see what you're saying about the clunkyness of what is now the last sentence. How about this:

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion. Light shades of red and white collided with deep hues of purple that lay above. The tree stood tall in both contrast and unity with the sky.

Better?

P.S. Told you I checked this like 8 times a day. =D Also, much thanks for this project. I really do appreciate it.

 

[pokemonmaster01]

The sky was like a canvas of bruised flesh, stretched above the earth. Near the horizon, the violet yielded to a striking red, a gaping wound in the heavens. The shadow of a tree divided the sky. Its trunk was a thick heart and its branches were arteries and veins that grew upward, lacing themselves into the purple. The soil was damp and smelled of rain. The place was forgotten by day and night, sun and moon. It was simply earth.

 

[cheap_josh]

Before we move, any more comments for mine?

 

[Jam Stunna]

It's kind of creepy when you read my mind on what I was thinking while I typed that stuff.

The reason I was hesitant about starting a new sentence where you crossed out while was because it seems annoyingly repetitive to start three sentences in a row with the word "The." Another thing that I generally get the feeling about what I've written is that it feels somewhat disjointed, almost as though all of the sentences are completely independent of each other and hold little relation without context. I just don't feel the flow. Anyways, I see what you're saying about the clunkyness of what is now the last sentence. How about this:

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion. Light shades of red and white collided with deep hues of purple that lay above. The tree stood tall in both contrast and unity with the sky.

Better?

P.S. Told you I checked this like 8 times a day. =D Also, much thanks for this project. I really do appreciate it.

I think this is pretty good. CK may want to add something, but I'm satisfied with this paragraph.

Also, it's good that you recognize the mistakes that you're making as you make them. Now just stop making them!

The sky was like a canvas of bruised flesh, stretched above the earth. Near the horizon, the violet yielded to a striking red, a gaping wound in the heavens. The shadow of a tree divided the sky. Its trunk was a thick heart and its branches were arteries and veins that grew upward, lacing themselves into the purple. The soil was damp and smelled of rain. The place was forgotten by day and night, sun and moon. It was simply earth.

You chose some incredibly interesting imagery here, and I really enjoyed it. Great job.

Before we move, any more comments for mine?

I think El Nino did fine with yours, so I don't have anything to add.

 

[Anonymous.]

I'm highly interested in learning how to become a better writer. I shall enter my submission later today.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I'm highly interested in learning how to become a better writer. I shall enter my submission later today.

Be sure to do so, the next stage will start very soon.

 

[Alphicans]

[Remo ved]

 

[Crimson King]

A calming sunset crept through the sky, appreciated only by a lone tree that gazed in silence. The warm colors settled beneath the branches peacefully, as if resting upon its unusual companion. Light shades of red and white collided with deep hues of purple that lay above. The tree stood tall in both contrast and unity with the sky.

All right, now all the extra stuff is out, let's take a look at word choice.

The words I underlined are words I'd like you to look at again, not so much that you have to change them, but look at them to be sure they hold your desired meaning, connotation, etc. For example the first sentence, there seems to be something off. "A calming sunset crept." Being the horror-genre enthusiast, I feel crept could have a more darkly meaning than you may intend; however, it may not depending on how you read it. For me, I see it as a verb to denote weakness and underhandedness. Also, the word appreciated is next underlined. Evaluate whether or not this is your desired word, and consult a thesaurus and or dictionary for alternatives. If this is the strongest word, go with it, if not, evaluate the strongest word for the same emotion you want, then evaluate the degree of emotion you want to show.

 

[cheap_josh]

I took out the repetitive part. It doesn't seem to flow as well, but I don't know.

The tree is bare, stripped of leaves and standing alone on a lifeless autumn evening. Its branches are grey, jagged and gnarled, growing unevenly in all directions. Not a sound is made, as there is only the tree and it wishes not to be heard.

 

[Crimson King]

The tree is bare, stripped of leaves and standing alone on a lifeless autumn evening. Its branches are grey, jagged and gnarled, growing unevenly in all directions. Not a sound is made, as there is only the tree and it wishes not to be heard.

Point-blank: I don't like it.

This thing is just so septic for me that I can't enjoy it. Since we are moving on, I'll give you a quick assignment, rewrite this from the point of view of the tree, not of an observer. What would the tree what us to know?

That last line could also be more powerful as "it wishes not to be UNheard."

 

[Jam Stunna]

Allright, sorry for the delay guys, but we've gotten some really good work done out of the first phase. It's now time to move on to step two!

Add a character to your scene, and have your character interact with the tree in some way. Do not exceed 300 words in your scene.

Pretty simple, right? Don't be fooled. The first part of this workshop was carefully scripted and focused to introduce you to some of the elements of creative writing in a non-threatening way. Now, you have to be creative. We're not going to tell you what to write about, or how you should write it.

The ultimate goal is to slowly have you construct a short story. This is a critical step in that process, as this character will determine the direction that your story is going to take now. So take risks, think creatively, and most importantly, have fun!

 

[Zolga Owns]

Ohhh sounds fun.

I'll start after i finish my HW.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Haha, I suck. I misspelled "step".

 

[¯\_S.(ツ).L.I.D._/¯]

I'm not very good at writing, I'm 13 and my vocabulary isn't fully developed.

The tree towers over the landscape beneath it enveloping the ground with the shadows of the foliage. The sun sets behind, setting the scene for the night to come soon. This tree is the pinnacle of the clearing, filling it with it's grace and silent beauty. Nothing disturbs it's restful peace here, it sleeps alone, and without a partner it lives on, forever, casting it's shadow over all it's subordinates below.


I know this is bad, don't be too harsh please.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I'm not very good at writing, I'm 13 and my vocabulary isn't fully developed.

The tree towers over the landscape beneath it, enveloping the ground with the shadows of the foliage. The sun falls behind, setting the scene for the night to come soon. This tree is the pinnacle of the clearing, filling it with it's grace and silent beauty. Nothing disturbs it's restful peace here. It sleeps alone, and without a partner it lives on, forever, casting it's shadow over all it's subordinates below.


I know this is bad, don't be too harsh please.

It's not that bad, you just have to be careful with your word choice. Using "set" and "setting" so close to each other is clunky, so I changed it. True, this paragraph isn't particularly compelling, but it does a good job of getting across your description. Try to add some more imagery to it (without piling on adjectives!), as that will help to form a clearer and more powerful picture in the reader's mind.

From this point forward, we will not be accepting any more submissions for part I. ALL SUBMISSIONS FROM THIS POINT FORWARD MUST BE IN RESPONSE TO PART II. All other submissions will be ignored.

 

[Skler]

The tree stood, its branches as bare as the plains around it. A perfect climbing tree, thought John, who had stopped to appreciate the scene in front of him. Wooden footholds jutted from the formidable trunk, a series of forking branches that begged to be climbed. In the background purple faded to red as the sun fell beneath the Earth. He began to move closer, his boots leaving a trail in the dirt. A draft of wind caught him, bringing the scent of maple to his nose as his coat flapped behind him. The cold air stung his face and urged him to hurry.

As he grew closer to the tree he saw the sun drop behind the plains, revealing a full moon among the clouds. Carefully, he set down the paper bag full of groceries he had gotten in town and laid a hand on the rough bark of the tree. I'm already going to be home late, might as well have some fun. A piece of bark fell from the trunk as he positioned himself to begin his climb. He lifted himself slowly, making sure to avoid any scrapes the aging tree might try to give him.

Approaching the highest branch he judged could support him, John felt the night air grow colder. I haven't been stopped too long, have I? Sitting atop the tree he watched the clouds float by the moon, each cloud turning a deep blue before disappearing into the blackness of the night sky. The tree cradled the man who had taken such a liking to it, standing as a silent companion enjoying the night with a friend. After a few minutes of quiet appreciation John began his descent, feeling a tingling of regret that he was leaving the tree so soon.

With a hop he landed on the ground. A soft thud broke the perfect night and John felt a tug on his back. He turned and saw that his coat had gotten caught on a particularly jagged piece of bark. After lifting his coat from the tree, keeping the bark that had delayed him intact, John picked up the brown paper bag of bread, milk and cheese and returned to the road that would lead him home. The tree stood alone again, watching the man move in silence as he cast one last glance at the age old sentry of the plains.



Whew, I feel like I could have done a little better at some parts and I still can't quite get punctuation down.

Edit: I like how it doesn't let me make normal paragraphs. Awesome.

 

[cheap_josh]

I do plan on participating, just giving a heads-up. I might not post until the weekend if that's okay.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Gah, I didn't know there was a cutoff. Will you be doing this again? I would've liked to have written something.

 

[A_man13]

I would've entered, but writing, amongst other things (Music, drawing, art, sports, etc.) I just feel nervious doing.

 

[Skler]

I imagine everyone feels nervous writing, it's a really personal thing.

Just wondering when my submission will be critiqued, I know I screwed things up.

 

[Crimson King]

Yeah, it's coming. I won't be able to get to it for a while - school. Jam might soon, but if not definitely within the week, I'll hit that story.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Yeah, I've been working on a story, so I haven't had the time to really go through your entry yet. But I'll get to it sometime in the next two days.

 

[OmegaXXII]

Ah, and here I wanted to write my entry just now, but since you don't have the time...

nah, I will come back and edit this tomorrow.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Didn't Jam say no new entries allowed?

 

[Jam Stunna]

No new entries for Part I. If you want to jump in for Part II, feel free, but the focus of the editing will be on characterization, not the things that we covered in Part I.

 

[Jam Stunna]

The tree stood, its branches as bare as the plains around it. A perfect climbing tree, thought John, who had stopped to appreciate the scene in front of him. Wooden footholds jutted from the formidable trunk, a series of forking branches that begged to be climbed. In the background purple faded to red as the sun fell beneath the Earth. He began to move closer, his boots leaving a trail in the dirt. A draft of wind caught him, bringing the scent of maple to his nose as his coat flapped behind him. The cold air stung his face and urged him to hurry.

As he grew closer to the tree he saw the sun drop behind the plains, revealing a full moon among the clouds. Carefully, he set down the paper bag full of groceries he had gotten in town and laid a hand on the rough bark of the tree. I'm already going to be home late, might as well have some fun. A piece of bark fell from the trunk as he positioned himself to begin his climb. He lifted himself slowly, making sure to avoid any scrapes the aging tree might try to give him.

Approaching the highest branch he judged could support him, John felt the night air grow colder. I haven't been stopped too long, have I? Sitting atop the tree he watched the clouds float by the moon, each cloud turning a deep blue before disappearing into the blackness of the night sky. The tree cradled the man who had taken such a liking to it, standing as a silent companion enjoying the night with a friend. After a few minutes of quiet appreciation John began his descent, feeling a tingling of regret that he was leaving the tree so soon.

With a hop he landed on the ground. A soft thud broke the perfect night and John felt a tug on his back. He turned and saw that his coat had gotten caught on a particularly jagged piece of bark. After lifting his coat from the tree, keeping the bark that had delayed him intact, John picked up the brown paper bag of bread, milk and cheese and returned to the road that would lead him home. The tree stood alone again, watching the man move in silence as he cast one last glance at the age old sentry of the plains.

I really like what you've done here, and you've crafted the interaction between John and the tree well. What I've highlighted are some areas where I feel your prose can be tightened up. These aren't bad sentences or ideas, so I left them in. Specifically, I want you to focus on a way to communicate the same things that the offending sentences do, but in a more direct way. For example, saying "Keeping the bark that delayed him intact" is a long-winded way of saying that he didn't damage the tree. How can you rewrite that sentence (and the others) so that your point is more direct?

 

[Skler]

The tree stood, its branches as bare as the plains around it. A perfect climbing tree, thought John, who had stopped to appreciate the scene in front of him. Wooden footholds jutted from the formidable trunk, a series of forking branches that begged to be climbed. In the background purple faded to red as the sun fell beneath the Earth. He began to move closer, his boots leaving a trail in the dirt. A draft of wind caught him, bringing the scent of maple to his nose as his coat flapped behind him. The cold air stung his face and urged him to hurry.

Drawing closer to the tree he saw the sun drop behind the plains, revealing a full moon among the clouds. Carefully, he set down the paper bag full of groceries he had gotten in town and laid a hand on the rough bark of the tree. I'm already going to be home late, might as well have some fun. A piece of bark fell from the trunk as he positioned himself to begin his climb. He lifted himself slowly to avoid any scrapes or signs of his detour.

When he reached the highest branch that could support him, John felt the night air grow colder. I haven't been stopped too long, have I? Sitting atop the tree he watched the clouds float by the moon, each cloud turning a deep blue before disappearing into the blackness of the night sky. The tree cradled the man who had taken such a liking to it, standing as a silent companion enjoying the night with a friend. After a few minutes of quiet appreciation John began his descent, feeling a tingling of regret that he was leaving the tree so soon.

With a hop he landed on the ground. A soft thud broke the perfect night and John felt a tug on his back. He turned and saw that his coat had gotten caught on a particularly jagged piece of bark. After lifting his coat from the tree without causing any further damage John picked up the brown paper bag of bread, milk, and cheese and returned to the road that would lead him home. The tree stood alone again, watching the man move in silence as he cast one last glance at the age old sentry of the plains.




Hope that's better, it's hard to write in a more precise way while keeping the same basic feeling.

If I need to edit it again I'll stick to editing this post.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Okay, you've made improvements to the offending lines, but let's see if we can get things down to an even more basic level.

Drawing closer to the tree he saw the sun drop behind the plains,

Approaching the tree, he saw the sun drop behind the plains,

If there's a synonym for what you're trying to say that will save space, use it.

He lifted himself slowly to avoid any scrapes or signs of his detour.

He lifted himself carefully up the tree.

Here again, I just switched out five words for one reasonable synonym, and I cut out the last part of the sentence as unnecessary.

When he reached the highest branch that could support him, John felt the night air grow colder.

At the top of the tree, John felt the night air grow colder.

In this case, you want to write from a functional perspective. What I mean by that is that in your story, the highest branch that can support him is the top of the tree, practically speaking. Unless there's some significance to him not being able to get to the literal top of the tree, you might as well call it such. Especially if, once again, it will save you space.

After lifting his coat from the tree without causing any further damage John picked up the brown paper bag of bread, milk, and cheese and returned to the road that would lead him home.

This sentence is fine, but I want to draw your attention to the structural aspect of writing. Not only can descriptions become boring, but form can as well. Many of your sentences start with the verb first, and then that verb is applied to the subject. This creates a very specific sound and rhythm in a written piece, as this can lead to longer sentences. Writing that way is fine, but you want to mix in varied sentence structure and length to keep your reader on his or her toes. Think of every punctuation mark as a stop sign. If you're in a car, and all the stop signs are the same distance apart, it would quickly become a boring ride.

In the same way, you want to vary the pauses and breaks in your writing to prevent the ride from becoming boring. Consider the difference between these two sentences:

After lifting [<=verb] his coat from the tree without causing any further damage John [<=noun]

John [<=noun]lifted [<=verb]his coat off the tree, careful to avoid damaging it.

The technical term for what I'm describing here is Subject and Predicate. The subject in your sentence is always the noun (in this case, it's John), and the predicate is always the verb that describes the noun (in this case, it's the verb "lifting").

In most of your sentence structures, the predicate precedes the subject. This isn't wrong, but when done enough times, it forms a pattern in your writing that can become boring to the reader. Try to avoid that habit in the future by mixing up your sentence structure.

 

[Skler]

Thanks for the advice, that's the sort of stuff I have a hard time picking up on.

I've been writing too many boring academic papers lately so this is great. /writing johns.

 

[Crimson King]

Don't discredit academic writing. With my tech writing classes, I have learned how to write concise sentences instead of long, pointless, drawling ones that go nowhere.

Since Jam got you, I'll take the next one to post.

 

[feardragon64]

Alright I've postponed this for long enough trying to think of something good....


A young man wavered as he crossed the savanna. Finally, the sun was at rest and the man stumbled his way to the tree in relief. At last, the heat would no longer add to the mess of burdens on his mind. With a thud, he landed beside the tree and rested his back upon the branches and closed his eyes. He muttered to himself, "Corwin, how the hell did you get yourself into this mess?" as he gazed into the sky. Despite wandering for hours, it occurred to him that not once had he took in the beauty of the area. What originally only seemed to be a desolate wasteland with no life save a tree every half a mile now released a calm aura that one simply could not appreciate back home. Tired as he was from walking, the tranquility of the area had relaxed his body and his mind felt refreshed.

Corwin went over his position in his head. He hadn't the slightest clue where he was or how he got here. He had half a canteen of water, no food, the clothes on his back and Sliver wrapped around his right arm, fast asleep. Despite being a loyal companion and guardian, Sliver was as helpless as Corwin in this situation. She silently slept until he called upon her for assistance. Until then, she was merely a multi-colored bracelet. He needed to find a way to survive on his own until he could find a way out of this mess.


I probably have a bunch of work to do on it but thinking about it to myself is only so helpful at some point.

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Here's mine!

________________________

The man stood still against the scene before him. The man glanced at the sky above, a veil of purple that reached down and stretched across the sky, before turning back to the horizon. As the sun went down, dying in a blaze of red and orange, a tree stood amidst its majesty, its colors drained by the fading sun, and its branches frayed and rigid at its top.

Feeling a surge of warmth flow through his heart, the man walked forward and smiled. As he crossed the distance, he leaned his head forward, and let himself slide down the tree trunk and drop onto a pile of leaves.

“Don’t worry, ya wittle oaky, those ****ed tree mongers won’t lay a claw on you now that I’m here. Aye ya…got theez little contracts ere” he reached into a rucksack on his back and produce a stack of papers. “Sez ya can’t be chopped, nor a single ‘air on yer ‘ead be touched” he grinned. He ran a hand over the trees base, his face lit up and his eyes glittering a kindly blue.

“YES!” he suddenly rose up and pumped his arm in a fist. “And soon, nobody from ‘ere ta Oregon will be able ta touch theeis good land around us. By golly, I’ll have every tree cutter, wood chopper, lumber makin fool round ‘ere packin their bags and skipping, OR ME NAMES NOT LEVIN!!”

Levin ran into the distance, in celebration of life and its joys that he would now forever save, leaving an audible blaze of energy in his wake...